Chasing Purpose

"Who am I to tell him he can do anything if I cannot lead by example?"

These are words I spoke to my wife after putting our son to

bed after his third birthday. At the time I had been working in talent

enablement and development within the cyber security industry, fulfilling a

dream of mine as well as feeling like I was making the world a better place.

"Daddy helps fight bad guys!" I would tell my son. Sure, it was a

stretch, but to me it meant something.

My parents were the type to take a job and stick it out,

regardless of growth or happiness. There's no fault in this, but simply an old

operating system as I see it. They never seemed to question, or at least openly

with me, their work or purpose in it. Looking back I can't help but see hamsters

on a wheel.

Contrary to this, I was raised to question and be curious. My

mother would always explain the meaning behind things as best she could, and my

father always encouraged my curiosity. These are two traits that serve me well

today, ones I want to continue to carry though to full fruition within my own

son.

Two years later and still in the same line of work, I was

then at another hyper-growth start up, grinding away and chasing the elusive

public offering of the shares I helped grow in value. These jobs served me

well. They put bread on my family’s table, allowed me to send my son to the

best private care, and to finally afford a home of our own. They allowed me to

let my wife quit her job and find purpose elsewhere. For all intent and purpose

my life was pretty grand. Almost perfect.

So, why am I so unhappy? Why do I not feel fulfilled? Why do

I constantly look outside my office window feeling trapped?

The last two years I struggled with these feelings. I found

so much purpose in my family, building men’s groups with friends who have

become family, and creating beautiful art with my hobby of woodworking. Many

parts of my life were running on all cylinders, and yet I would "punch

into work" and feel unfulfilled and unmotivated. This was nothing new. I

had been battling with versions of this all my life. Always feeling destined

for more.

I had become a father and led men through their own emotional

work and here I was, stuck just the same as those who come to me for this very

advice. Was I not taking my own? If so, why? What was holding me back?

For ten years I took the obligatory paid time off. Two weeks

here, a four day weekend there, but like so many of you, I was never fully

unplugged. Until one day I started to feel courageous. We had saved up enough

that I started to dream about taking time off, trying my own hand at consulting

full-time, or even opening a woodworking shop.

But how will we make our mortgage? What about insurance? How long could I make it if I'm not successful right away? How do we know when to buckle down or throw in the towel?

What if I fail? What if I fail.

There it was, as clear as day. Fear. I was afraid. My fear

had finally shown itself in full light of the day. It had walked up to me like

a bully, stood eye to eye with me and didn't flinch. My years of therapy,

coaching, and fatherhood all kicked in. Training myself for this moment, I

didn't flinch either. Sure I was a panicked inside, but I knew how important

this moment was. If I didn't conquer my fear, here and now it, would continue

to rule me. Continue to make decisions for me, and inevitably teach my son

those same lessons. No, it was time to put all I had learned to good use.

I needed to take a minute to collect myself. For ten years I

had been moving one career to the next. Climbing a ladder. My last two career

moves I didn't even take time off in-between. Friday I was at one job and

Monday I would be at the next.

I needed purpose. I needed to find something that touched my soul, and if it meant being patient until the right one came to me, then so be it. Most of all, I needed to show my son that chasing something of substance was worth it. That taking a chance was better than never trying at all.

I write this today from an airplane window at dusk,

overlooking what our pilot explains is Memphis, with my 5 year old son sitting

next to me, my wife across the aisle. My son has his favorite show on and

snacks that the flight attendant brought special just for him. He's rocking his

head back and forth in happiness as he munches away. What more could he want

right now.

I am on week three since leaving my job and we're flying home

from a family trip. Week one consisted of my brother visiting for a week. We

built cabinets and a new fence. We worked hard got sweaty in the garage, and

never once did I need to rush away for another meeting or to reply to an email.

This last week was a trip to New York to cheer on my wife as she checked the

New York City Marathon off of her bucket list. While she raced I took my son to

the Museum of Natural History where we learned so much and explored together.

All day my son was at my side, just the two of us with nothing but an app

tracking my wife's progress and our presence and awe in each moment.

True time off is rare. Being able to unplug fully, and

connect with life again is magical. We went upstate where my wife was raised to

see the fall colors, family, and relax on 120 acres of woods, waterfalls, and

streams right outside our cabin door. I showed my son how to spot tree frogs

and chipmunks in the brush. We followed animal tracks and made walking sticks.

We collected leaves and books and most importantly, memories.

This time is precious, and until I actually took this time,

hadn't fully realized just how distracting life can be. Especially in the time

of Covid. Everything is blurred together with lost meaning.

Taking time off. Truly disconnecting. Without worrying about

the deadlines that slip while you're away, or the work you come back to, is

precious. The gift I get today is one we don't often have an opportunity to

experience. Most of us don't even think about its power or what it could mean.

I surely didn't.

My advice to you is to find your purpose and reconnect to it.

Ground in the present and when given an opportunity to unplug, do it. Truly do

it. Those meetings will be there, the deadlines and all the stress to come

along with it. You have a choice to set it aside. To turn off your

notifications, and really experience life. My relationship with my son will

forever be stronger because of the choice I made to rest and recharge. And

maybe, just maybe, that will make all the difference.

Finding purpose in my work and career starts with

reconnecting with my own life and what that purpose fulfills. 14 years into my

career and the skills I have amassed need to be pointed towards something that

makes the world better. I can now look forward to that journey when the time is

right.

But, I’ll save?that part for a little later. Right after I continue to be unplugged and present for a while.