Chasing Gold, Finding?Sand.

About 2 weeks ago, in a desperate need for inspiration (or was it just the impulsive shopper in me?), I convinced myself but not before enabling a handful of my equally restless colleagues?—?that buying a MacBook at an offer too good to be true was the golden ticket to feeling important and productive once again. We rallied around this bargain like it was the secret key to creativity, as if the sleek aluminum design could magically transform us into the next generation of innovators. Who were we kidding?!

Today, it’s only making its second appearance out of the box, but I’m determined to make it count this time! No, I’m not intending to browse at Cartier wallets while listening to Adele’s Skyfall and feeling like I could be James Bond. Neither am I buying flight tickets on Skyscanner nor planning to create the next workout plan so that I could try to get into the best shape of my life for the 89th time. This purchase, as ludicrous as it sounds now, wasn’t just about having the latest gadget. It was about trying to kickstart something?—?a way to push past the mundane and feel, even for a fleeting moment, that I was on the brink of doing something remarkable.?

And so, I shall start writing again, to share my perspectives on the many uncomfortable thoughts that is currently occupying most of my headspace and at times, impeding my cognitive abilities.

The Struggle for Meaning.

There come moments in life?—?usually in between the many existential crisis I’ve had?—?like when I’m feeling like a peasant standing amongst the rush hour crowd in a full train on my way to work or staring blankly into space waiting for the next customer to complain about their first world problem, I ask myself something unnerving:?

“Wait… is this it? After all these years of work and this is what it has come to?”

It’s not that things are bad. In fact, by most standards, I’m doing fine. I’ve worked hard, learned the rules, played the game relatively well. I’ve been competent, reliable, maybe even impressive in some circles.

That said, let me tell you an annoying fact about being amazing or impressive. It’s bloody intoxicating! Because who doesn’t love being great at something? But here’s the thing: if you are great at something you don’t actually care about, you don’t feel like a winner. You just feel…?tired.

Tired of this nagging feeling of moving, but not necessarily going anywhere. Like I’m building toward something, but I’m not entirely sure what.

It’s a weird limbo?—?not failure, not regret, just… uncertainty.? The very unceratinty that whispers to me:? “Wait. What if I don’t actually care about any of this?”

Was This Ever My Choice?

Growing up, the next steps were always obvious: do well in school, get a job, climb that ladder and achieve ultimate success. Logical, right? Until one day, the road ahead stops being obvious, and you realize… you’re not actually sure where this is all leading.

My best example would be how I spent a total of 13 years at my first job – brought me everywhere but still made me feel like I got nowhere.

And so, you try the usual solutions:

?? “Maybe I just need a new challenge.” (Ah yes, because doing more of the same thing but harder will fix it.)

?? “Maybe I should set new goals.” (But wait… who set the last ones?)

?? “Maybe I should just be grateful and stop overthinking.” (Classic avoidance tactic, what I’d like to call ‘Living a life of gratitude through consolation’)

And like it or not, this cycle will keeps you busy,?, and busyness feels like progress – even if deep down you're questioning the very game you're playing. It’s a dreadful loop.

Stuck on Auto-Pilot and the Truth We Pretend Not to See.

Here’s the awkward truth: it’s entirely possible to be driven, hardworking, and ambitious… while also being completely directionless. Many of us mistake movement for progress?—?we’re constantly chasing improvement, but we never stop to ask: “Improve toward what, exactly?”

A lot of people stay in loops not because they don’t know that they’re in one?—?but because escaping it feels inconvenient. It means acknowledging uncertainty, which is deeply uncomfortable. It means re-examining choices, which is not exactly clear most times. And worst of all, it might mean admitting we don’t actually know what we want.

Reinvention sounds exhausting. Change feels like starting from scratch. And let’s be real, questioning the system after you’ve invested and indeed achieved some from it makes you feel like an ungrateful idiot.

So what do we do? We double down on what we’ve been doing. Because at least it’s familiar. And we revisit this checkpoint three weeks or even six months later and ask ourselves the same questions all over again. Until one day, when it has eaten you up fully that it becomes a full-blown existential crisis.

(Which is usually when people quit their jobs, post self consoling, positive, cringeworthy quotes on LinkedIn, and start a home-based baking business. No judgment, but I’ll definitely need a smoother exit strategy!)

Okay, So What Now? For F*ck Sake, I don’t have an answer too!

This is not one of those “Quit your job and follow your heart!” speeches. Relax. I’m not telling you to abandon your responsibilities, sell your prized government subsidized home and move to Bali to sell feet pics or start an OnlyFans account…(can’t lie, but I’ve thought about it myself)

This is just a moment to pause.

Instead of asking, “What’s next?”, try asking:

? “Am I still moving with intention, or just out of convenience?”

? “If I wasn’t worried about the optics of societal expectations, what would I actually do differently?”

? “Am I climbing because I want to?—?or because stopping feels scarier?”

This series is for the people who aren’t lost, exactly… but who aren’t entirely sure they’re found either.

If that sounds like you, stick around. There’s more to unpack.

#selfdiscovery #careercrisis #personalgrowth #worklifebalance #productivitytrap #existentialcrisis #lessonsfromlife

Disclaimer: Please note that the opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of their employer or any other organisations. The information provided is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice. Scenarios and examples seemingly related to actual events are purely coincidental. While the author makes every effort to ensure the accuracy of the information, readers should use their own discretion before relying on it.