Chasing Failure - Failure as Fuel

In my?last update, I continued to share my commitment to journaling my road to Ironman (IM) Arizona. This post follows through on that pledge. Sharing these stories feels vulnerable, as I'm opening up about a personal goal that might end in failure, but it's also ripe with growth moments. My hope is that my story aids others in their growth journey.

What If

My wife and two daughters (8 & 10) accompanied me to Tempe Arizona in November.? We arrived on Thursday and began to prepare for what would be my first full Ironman on Sunday.? By Friday night my girls could tell that dad was scared and nervous.? They also witnessed me training for 2 years but now it was becoming clear why.? I didn’t shy away from this because I wanted my girls to see me scared.? I wanted them to see me put in the work to try and do something hard that could end in failure.? I wanted them to know that sometimes dad gets scared too. I wanted them to see mom and dad work together to support each other for the duration of this long journey.? A journey that was near completion and there was no turning back.

I made the commitment to attempt my first full Ironman 2+ years ago because I wanted to grow.? The goal scared me, and I knew it would cause me to fail.? Not just fail but fail often.? Why would anyone do this?? Why put yourself through the physical and mental toll Ironman training demands on your body and mind?? Why commit to something that will take time away from your career and family?? Growing up I had a fear of water.? Why face that fear 3-4 times per week?? I didn’t want to go to sleep 20 years from now and wonder to myself “what if”.?

Failure Loops

Before 2019 I spent most of my career working for mid-market and large enterprise companies.? That changed in 2019 when I decided to join a startup that was pre-revenue with a product idea in its infancy. I made the move because I wanted to experience the difficulty of startup life firsthand, learn and get uncomfortable.? Joining a startup put me completely out of my element doing things I had never done before.? Sure, I had a good amount of product management experience, but experience is relative. ?Long story short I made a lot of mistakes and in retrospect didn’t have the right mindset to work through some of those mistakes properly.? It forced me to deal with a lot of difficult situations and failure in a short amount of time.? I call these situations “failure loops”.? When I left the startup and returned to big company life I knew the opportunity to fail and grow would slow down and I wanted to do something about it.?

In a large company failure loops exist but they are less frequent.? In large organizations things (typically) move slowly, and you don’t get an opportunity to fail very often and learn hard lessons. I consider failure loops to be learning loops.? As a result, your growth slows down because you’re failing less often. You’re not getting feedback that’s hard to hear.? You’re not having to own up to mistakes and quickly make improvements to survive.? ?Each failure loop allows you to learn something which makes you stronger.

I’m not saying larger companies are easier to work for, what I am saying is the pressure to perform and deliver is amplified in a startup 10x than what most any product manager will feel in a large matrixed environment on an established product.? As a result, you get less failure loops, and less opportunities to grow. Put another way growth in a large company takes longer.? It’s not impossible to grow but unless you get opportunities to work on the most difficult high frequency problems, the failure loops materialize less often.? This is based on my experience.? Others may have a different opinion based on their experience.? Everyone’s path is different so take my comments with a grain of salt.?

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I signed up for an Ironman to establish 5 things.

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1.???? More Failure Loops: Training would force me to build new skills that I didn’t have and would require a lot of trial and error.

2.???? Accountability:? I hired a professional Ironman coach Ben Bigglestone

3.???? Coaching: Coaching and accountability go hand in hand.? Being accountable to a coach is different than being accountable to yourself.? A coach formalizes the commitment and stretches you beyond your comfort zone.

4.???? Time Management:? Training 7-14 hours per week means you must be good at organizing and prioritizing your time.?

5.???? Discipline: ?Doing the first 4 things on this list requires a high degree of discipline.? ?

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Failure Colors

An example of the culmination of these areas can be found in the results of my training plan. ?My coach and I use software called Training Peaks to plan and track my workout sessions 2-weeks in advance.? What you see below is a week of training from August 2023. ??

This week had 15.25 hours’ worth of sessions to complete along with a full-time work schedule (Time Management).? This required me to be diligent about planning my days and weeks.? A lot of forethought is required to be prepared for the various training sessions in a given week and resulting logistics.

Anything green means I completed at least 80% of the session.? Anything Yellow means I completed 50-79% and anything red means I didn’t do it. ?Failure can happen in any color.? Not fully completing or missing a workout is an obvious form of failure but it can also happen in a green session.? Perhaps I didn’t execute the session the way my coach wanted me to.? Or perhaps I couldn’t hold the pace our output that was required.? As you can see, I could have a lot of failures in a single week (More Failure loops).

After each workout I provide my coach feedback on the session.? I communicate how the session went and how I felt.? It’s an important part of the process because my coach can see if I am completing the sessions (accountability) and get feedback from me on how it went.? This is also an opportunity for him to guide and course correct me where needed (coaching).? Doing all these things consistently requires a high level of discipline.? When it comes to growth, consistently is the key, not output. The more consistent you are, the more you will improve over time.?

This is what a week in September looked like when I got sick and couldn’t workout.? Lots of red!? Injury and sickness are part of the process.? It happens to everyone but can be quite difficult to deal with.?

?Fear and Stress

Leading up to Ironman Arizona I was struck with two major setbacks.? First, I got walking pneumonia in September which put a huge dent in my training progress.? Second, I severally strained my rotator cuff requiring PT a few days a week.? I wasn’t even sure If I would be able to race in November as a result.? Going into race weekend I had a laundry list of things causing me stress.

1. Trying to fully recover from sickness and an injury.
2. Making sure my tri-bike got to Arizona safely (I sent it through a bike shop in Seattle)
3. Making sure my family knew how to track and find me during the race.
4. My race bags.? Making sure I had everything packed correctly for each transition in the race.
5. The swim.? I was extremely nervous about the 2.4-mile swim in a very cold lake.
6. The fear of not being able to finish. ???

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The night before the race I had some difficulty staying asleep.? I woke up 3-4 times before my alarm.? When my alarm went off at 4:30 AM I knew the day would be different than any other day in my life up to that point.? Once I got to the race start area, I started to feel less nervous. I had a huge cup of coffee and my family. What else did I need?!?! I tried to lean into curiosity as to what the day would bring vs worrying about what could go wrong.

The Race

Right before I got in the water the sun slowly began to rise and removed the darkness that had surrounded everyone up to that point.? I told myself that no matter what happened, I wasn’t going to quit and keep going no matter what. Here is a quick recap of the race.

The Swim:

• I got a huge calf cramp 1.2 miles into the swim and had to hold on to a kayak for a few minutes to let it subside.
• The sun was glaring and made sighting the buoys very difficult.
• When I started to feel my heartrate rise, I focused on slowing down my stroke rate.
• When I got close to the exit dock, I couldn’t believe I was going to finish the swim.?

The Bike (3 loops)

• Going out was nice with a tailwind but coming back was brutal.
• The headwinds made it hard to keep control of the bike. I audibly yelled at the wind a few times.? True story.
• I saw a few injured riders and it kept me very conservative on the backside of the course.

The Run:

• I was happy to get off my bike after 110 miles of difficult riding.
• I had a hard time holding my pace especially after mile 14.
• A cup of warm chicken broth after racing for 12+ straight hours is heaven on earth.

The Boost

On mile 17 of the run I was struggling and not sure if I would be able to finish. Thankfully that's when I saw my family and my wife gave me the boost I needed to keep going.

My goal was simply to finish. After 16 hours and 40 minutes of racing I was able to cross the finish line.? It wasn't pretty but I got it done.

I immediately went over to my family to say, “We did it!!!”.? After hugging my wife and sister I looked at the girls and said, “You can do hard things!!”? It was a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.? I’ve already signed up for Ironman Oregon next year to continue the learning process. Growth is hard. Having gone through this process I can say without a doubt its worth the work and effort. It's how you become the person you were meant to be.

Until next time keep learning!?

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#learning #growth #leadership