Chasing Butterflies

Butterflies

“Can I help it that I am anxious??That I am living in a constant state of overwhelm? I am mentally challenged and really struggle with what work is throwing at me”

I am having a conversation with Friend as we take a moment to pause from the scramble of work and daily chores. We are walking Dog.?

I have heard this before. Perhaps not in such a bold way. But it is the same question popping up with leaders and teams that I have been privileged to work with. Who’s responsibility is it? Who needs to ensure the ground is stable for the inner world of our emotions? Who makes sure the Arena of the workplace in which we find ourselves, matches to our own resilience and capacity to cope?

Friend and I are unraveling an experience she had at work where her rage button got pushed. She lost her temper. Interestingly at those nearest to her in the office rather than the cause – the senior leader one step removed from her team. This is most often the case.

“No, I guess not”, I replied to her original question.

She has a point. We are dealt with a particular set of physiological cards that we must play. There is no getting away from that.?Friend remains silent. I remain silent. Dog chases madly around the thick grass trying to catch butterflies.

“So, who can help it?” I ask after a while, “that you are…um…mentally challenged?” ?I find even the phrasing of it difficult.

Dog chases more butterflies. I am sure he is imagining them. I can’t see a single one flying anywhere near where he is jumping.

“You”,

“ME?”, “Yes you”

I am beginning to feel like a butterfly. I want take flight at the thought that I can be responsible for her struggles. Or I am in freeze, I am not sure which.

“By just being here walking with me you can make a difference to me. In the way you see me and the way you listen. The way that you create space around me. The way that Dog is chasing grasshoppers and making me laugh”

That’s what they are! Grasshoppers! I still can’t see them though…

It suddenly lands on me what she is saying.?She is not giving away her responsibility. Underneath the words that are said I sense a commitment to that.?What she is highlighting is that we are a system, and in that system we all have a part to play.

It makes me wonder how we view those that suffer from anxiety, or depression, or any of the other descriptions that signal, not necessarily a diagnosed mental health condition, but a dis-ease that is not in flow. A dis-ease brought about by a scramble in the world that is beyond our own individual capacity to bear.

We think; ‘It is for YOU to change that. Sure, I need to understand and be compassionate but essentially, it’s YOUR job.’?Is it? Do we need to re-think this? Do I need to re-think my original logic on this subject…

“But surely it is you who is doing the work. I’m just walking Dog! I needed a break from work, so I am here really for my own selfish reasons. I didn’t even ask you how you are when I got out the car!”

Friend reflected for a moment, “Maybe. Or maybe you just didn’t think it through consciously. You are still here, creating space for me?”

The butterflies are elusive. They evade Dog. So too does the clarity on how to deal with Friend’s challenging question.

Dog

Perhaps I did intuitively understand and create the space by coming here. But perhaps I should be more intentional about what I am creating.??

When I am in the training room with clients, responsibility is always a key discussion. We so often want to share out blame and say, well its mostly his/her fault – ‘75% their fault’. I am only responsible for the other 25%! Therefore, I only need to put in 25% effort to make it right.?I like to turn to the concept of 100% Responsibility

What if we took 100% Responsibility? And this does not equate to 100% blame for things going or being wrong. But if we all took 100% Responsibility….

This is what Friend is asking for. Me to take 100% responsibility to be IN the Arena with Friend. To stand beside her in the workplace while she picks up the sword and battles the dragons leaping out from the shadows. Only she knows where the sword is and how to hold it, but just standing shoulder to shoulder might give her the energy to pick it up off the sand.

Dog has finished chasing the grasshopper-butterfly-ghost creature. He remains exactly who he is meant to be. He remains exactly where he is. In the present. Dog chasing butterflies. He looks up at me and grins. 100% focus on being here and being Dog, with me.

Arena

So how do I step into this Arena with her to help navigate the challenge she faces?

Pause, Breathe. First I have to put down my defenses that being asked to take responsibility means the same as being blamed.?Generations before me built the walls of the Arena on the back of a world which had a different view of how things should look. I cannot ask them why. They are no longer here for me to interrogate. We have an Arena. Perhaps it doesn’t even matter who built it….

….maybe I should check this with Friend?

“So you are not blaming me for your challenges? But you ARE asking me take responsibility?”

“Exactly”

OK. I am getting this.?But I feel a heavy burden settling in. I am no longer feeling like a butterfly. I feel more like the foot of an elephant. I feel somehow like I now need to take responsibility for FIXING something.

“So what do I take responsibility for? What do I fix?”

“Who asked you to fix something?”

“You did. If I need to take responsibility for changing the system, I need to fix something”

“Perhaps. Maybe if you were God I would be asking that. No. I think what I am asking is just be involved. That’s not the same as fixing. Is it?”

No. It means being here. Being present and open to this moment. Being more Dog.

So what next. Examine, Be curious, open and present. Start listening. This is an incredibly difficult skill I reflect. We are taught through school that we need to stand up, present, make a speech. We are TOLD to listen but never taught how to. I make a note to go get some lessons…

I think I am getting this…my mind puts the next steps together without needing to consult Friend. I just needed her to give me the push…

Name It. If I listen carefully enough, I might be able to call it out for what it is. Not only the specific experience of the person suffering from dis-ease, but also the Arena. If I can give the Arena a name and see it for what it is I can start seeing which stones I might take away to be a part of the solution. It is not always my Arena to dismantle, I am clear on that (responsibility is about being IN, not always about fixing) but I won’t know unless I give it a name and bring it into the light.

Sometimes this takes a collective effort. The leader can start the process but it may take the whole team to call out what is not working for them.?It takes care, compassion, courage…and a lot of psychological safety to challenge the status quo. How we agree to work together to make sure we remove this stone…and that one.

Take Action. Chase the butterflies. We may not catch them. They are elusive and fly away fast, but without action the butterflies will remain where they are.

Steven Covey talks about focusing within your Circle of Influence. Put energy where you have the ability to make an impact.?Let go or accept things as they are where it remains outside this. We need to learn the grace of accepting the things we cannot change.

I agree. But when it comes to supporting those on the edge of anxiety there is always something small that we CAN do. Along with the small things they HAVE to do, as they have no choice.

Like taking a moment to pause, stop, take a walk with Dog.

Dog looks at me quizzically.

‘This human…too much in his head! How can he not see how much fun it is?’

The butterflies have no chance. Dog is very clear on how to catch them. This moment, walking through the thick grass, I am clear on the action I need to take with Friend.