Charm: Its Cunning and Baffling Power in Divorce

I've been a divorce attorney for 20 years and have heard some very sad and incredible stories about how spouses act towards each other. I am dumbfounded when an individual stays as long as he or she does in some situations. This is particularly true when I see evidence of a damaging relationship on the spouse and/or the children. Why does a person choose to stay in a relationship marked by insults, intimidation, threats and betrayal for years and years? The answer is too often charm, or the perception of it.

This charm comes in the form of “he has it and I don’t”. A typical example is Karen (not her real name). About 15 years ago Karen left work to take care of their small children, leaving her husband, Charles, to be the main wage earner. At about this time, Charles began to make unhappy little comments to Karen about her parenting and housekeeping. As the years wore on, the little comments came with more regularity and became outright vulgar insults. Charles, in the meantime, continued to climb the career ladder and to polish his outward persona for his career’s sake. By the time Karen came to see me, she was worried no one would believe her side of things because she was “insignificant” and a “wreck” and Charles is so “put together and charming”. This charm can strike fear in the hearts of many individuals considering divorce. “Should I worry”, I am often asked, “that he will win everyone over with his charm?”

First, a good attorney will measure a spouse’s claims and demands against objective standards.

Individuals who are considering divorce sometimes hear “you will end up on the streets”, “you are going to lose custody of the children”, or “I will quit my job and you will get nothing.” When it comes to divorce, the judicial system attempts to avoid a windfall or free-fall situation for individuals and families. Courts care a great deal about stability, continuity, and the best interest of children in families and to that end, will attempt to hold individuals accountable for his or her ongoing family obligations. A good legal professional should search for objective standards such as history or documented evidence to determine the resources of the main wage earner, who is the primary caregiver, or whether a job loss was voluntary.

A good attorney will recognize that people are on their best behavior when in the fish bowl.

Appearing before a family law judge is not the same as appearing for a job interview. For one side in a conflict ridden marriage, best behavior may include anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder while the other side may appear as calm as a cucumber. A good attorney or judge knows the public persona of someone is just that: the public persona.

A good attorney or judge will seek the advice of other professionals if a question is beyond their expertise.

What if a spouse’s claimed earnings do not match lifestyle? What if the claimed value of a business starts to suddenly decline? What if a spouse is a violent abuser, but claims you are crazy for saying so? If the answer is not readily apparent, it is likely there is a profession qualified to take a closer look and make better sense of the situation.

A good professional will listen, ask questions, and make every attempt to be objective. Moreover, a good professional knows first impressions can be misleading. Impressions can be tested over time with objective standards, knowledge that individuals react differently under stress, and where an answer is not obvious, by reaching out to others with expertise. A client who is afraid his or her spouse will ‘out-charm’ the system should know with good counsel, time, and support, the correct perception has a good chance of coming into view.

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