Chapter Two-Meditation-from my book, Awareness Is a State of Mind

CHAPTER TWO

MEDITATION

The best place to start will always be right here, right now.

This place…

…can be very spiritually healing, if I am open to it. 

It does not matter where “this place” is.

Meditation, in my own words…

           ~Gentle observation of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions

           ~Connecting my soul (inner energy) with my mind

~Allowing my soul (the flow of my energy) to soothe my mind

~Allowing my thoughts to calm my soul

           ~Thinking peacefully

           ~The conscious awareness of all aspects of myself    

           ~A tranquil method of thinking about ones self and the world

           ~Simplistic Focused Thinking

           ~Simply Existing

Meditation is necessary because it gives me the opportunity to look at myself without also looking at a million other things at the same time. When I am able to slow down and simplify my thoughts, I end up being able to see those million things crystal clear. When I am able to see the fine details of my life crystal clear, I am able to remind myself of how amazing I am. I NEED to tell myself that every day. (We are ALL extraordinary creatures! Look at everything we do!)

I first started learning about meditation when I began working the 12 steps of A.A. 

Step 11 reads:

***Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. ****Reference needed**** (Alcoholics Anonymous, How it works)

Prayer and meditation are often paired together as a means of 2-way communication with our Creator. Prayer happens when I consciously and actively reach out to God. Meditation occurs when I consciously and actively listen for Gods response. 

Meditation provides a direct path to becoming aware of my own spirituality. My spirit is already active and alive within me, I only need to allow myself to SEE it. This means I have to slow everything within me down, almost to a complete stand-still. Sometimes (a few times a day when my stress level is heightened), I find myself, literally, stopping in my tracks, because I can feel where my physical energy is leading my mind. I know myself well enough to know that I will lose my inner-peace and appreciation of each moment if I allow my brain to get as stressed as my body (or vice versa). I love my spiritual self, I will do what is necessary to keep her, and this is a full-time job.

I thoroughly enjoy those hours that I am able to spend with myself, by myself, thinking about the wonders of the Universe. I love meditating on the natural goodness we are all born with (it never really goes away, but remains a good seed waiting for proper nutrition. Seeds must also be sufficiently broken in order to properly receive that nutrition and sprout). 

Meditation has helped me to feel as beautiful and lovely as I possibly can while I am struggling with every day activities. It is amazing how a simple chore of tidying up, or doing laundry, can become a weight upon my soul (yes, that is how it feels, sometimes). When combined with the every minute all-consuming force of taking care of children, a mothers stress is unmatched. The mounting emotions of the morning can take control of my mind in a matter of minutes and send me cart-wheeling awkwardly (fighting everything, bruising my ego) through the remaining moments of the afternoon. This is not a good thing for a sensitive person like myself, because if I am operating at too high of a stress level, I end up reflecting this crazy energy onto my kids in bouts of negative and over-exaggerated reactions to their behavior. 

My reactions to my children’s behavior (and everyone else’s behavior, too!) will teach them how they are to feel about themselves. Shame is bred through our reactions to one another. 

This is why I am so appreciative of the ability to quiet my mind.

Even just for a minute.

I joyously indulge my mind and body in a 10 second moment of peace while watching my child find his way through a temper tantrum (a tornado through the room…).

I close my eyes and breathe… it is in the awareness of my breathing that I am able to be the calmest with my self. I need to recognize my SELF (what am I thinking, what am I feeling, and where am I feeling it?), in order to react appropriately and sanely to what is happening in front of me. I react to me first. It always begins with me. (and YOU!)

If I am quiet and calm with me, then I am all the more able to be quiet and calm with my screaming child. If I am understanding with my own self (realizing I throw my own kind of temper tantrums from time to time when I don’t get my way), then I will be capable of showing that same understanding to my child, and I may even be able to remind myself that he has only been alive for 5 years.  In remembering this for the sake of my child, maybe I could then offer the same patience to myself in the realization that I have only been alive for 33 years (not that long in Gods World). The average person only remains alive for several decades, really. (NONE of us are here for very long, are we?) We sure do accomplish a lot in a short amount of time, though, if you think about it!

Meditation is an Active Attainment of Peace (Calmness of heart, soul, and mind).

I have to make the attainment of peace a priority, every day. Through focusing my thoughts on calming my soul, or allowing my soul to embrace my mind (enjoying the moment), I am able to see the peace that is already inside of me. In this way, I am learning to self-soothe. 

The most important benefit to meditating all of the time (as often as consciously possible) IS the gift of Peace (the realization of Peace, or even the recognition of the POSSIBILITY of Peace). 

Possibility…

I love that word. The word “possibility” brings to my mind the word “hope”. 

The recognition of “Possibility” amplifies HOPE (the acknowledgement that something good, or beneficial, COULD happen).

It is always good to recognize the possibility of good things happening (even if it does not directly affect me). There is positivity all around us if we will only take a moment to look for it. 

Hope exists for the sole purpose of being acknowledged (It has to, first, be acknowledged. Only then, can it be used to comfort).

Hope is the magic that lights the tunnel of muddy darkness we sometimes trudge through. As long as we (the human race) are alive, hope will remain. 

There is ALWAYS HOPE, and oh, how sweet that moment is when we find it (and it’s even better when IT finds US)!

It is almost as if God is whispering to us,

“Don’t give up now, it is just about to get very good, and extremely interesting. Hold on, just a little longer, please, and while you’re at it, you could try trusting Me more. 

Here, let Me increase your faith a little bit. 

That should do it, you’re good now.

Be peaceful with where you are at because I have you there for a reason. 

Don’t get too comfortable, though, because it’s all about to change”.

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Simplistic thinking is a gift.

I can calm myself using only a few words, the fewer the better. “Understanding” does not always have to come from deeply involved intellectual thought, although our intellect can be used to bring us peace in so many other ways. 

There is always a way (except for times of grieving, or trauma-I will let these moments change me into the person I need to become) to obtain blissful peace, and those ways always begin with what we DESIRE for ourselves. True desire comes from our Creator, and it is a specific type of energy designed to drive me to benefit myself so that I can be useful (fulfilling my personal responsibilities-Gifts, being helpful to others-Love) while I am alive. 

The only reason I am writing this book is because I have an overwhelming desire to do so. I feel that I am benefiting in many ways by writing it. Writing this is keeping me well, and so, I shall continue to do it.

It is the same with meditating. I have found it helps me with so many aspects of my existence that I can’t help but do it all of the time, now. I NEED to do it. I do not ever want to lose track of my mind, my heart, or my soul, ever again. 

I am worth it. I am worth the time and energy it takes to even REMEMBER me! 

Often times, I meditate while I am journaling. I enjoy writing down my thoughts (seeking), or jotting down a desire (passion), or lettering a concern (prayer). I like to write these things down because it makes me feel even more alive (creative). It is a joy to want to feel everything today, because there were so many times in my life where I did not want to feel anything, or be anywhere.

It is important for me to respect my thoughts. We are brilliant creatures, and some of us are so creative that we live in a false reality in our minds. Sometimes, we are so good at thinking, that we actually believe our own lies (false self-judgements-not good enough, fear of the unknown, etc.). 

I would like to call this activity “Backward Brilliance”. I wonder how many times I have allowed my thoughts to hurt my feelings. Even worse, how many times did I physically respond, in agreement, to my own hatred toward myself?

 It is silly. I had to stop. Regardless of what anyone else had done to me (not discounting), it is good for me to recognize the power that my own thoughts have over myself. 

I have to give myself permission to be better then what I use to be.

I can change my thoughts. I can be gentle with myself. 

As gentle as I am with my children, most of the time, is how gentle I need to be with myself. (softly/sweetly)

By slowing down my thoughts, I can slowly start to alter my thoughts. I can change a word in the sentence to make it sound different.  I can manipulate my own negativity using the positive energy in my soul (this positive energy is built right into me, it is a part of who I am, and is there to be used for many purposes, including self-preservation, and in that way, I am learning to be my own friend).

Meditation, for me, has become the practice of total self-awareness in the most loving, fulfilling, heart-breaking, soul-mending, kind of way.  The ability to quiet a thought that is unbeneficial to me (hurting me in some way), and replace it or alter it with one slightly more real (amplifying the goodness within me) is a priceless treasure. 

I do not always close my eyes when I meditate. It would not be wise for me to have my eyes closed all of the time. That would hinder me a great deal. I am made to move and stay active in many ways.  I have many daily responsibilities (and lessons presented for the purpose of my emotional growth/availability) that require my attention. 

Therefore, I make sure to have quiet time with myself throughout every morning. This begins when I decide to sit and become aware of my body and my mind.

When I wake up in the morning, it is as if I am brushing cobwebs off of my soul. These cobwebs that stick to me and cloud my perception are actually the residual effects of yesterday’s emotions. They are to be tossed into the furnace, and are never to be taken seriously. They fizzle away with each passing minute of calm.

I enjoy sitting outside for this reason; that I get to watch the sun rise over my back yard. I am waking up with the day. The birds are already well into their work day and chirping about what it is they need to do next (I can only imagine what they talk about all the time). It is in these first moments of the day that I can most clearly recognize myself as the peaceful creature I actually am. It is the best way to start any day. Loving myself first makes me available to reflect love onto everyone that I meet after that.

Morning meditation, for me, is the time that I need to give myself the most love, because it gives my mind and my soul an opportunity to review what my overall purposes are for the day (reflection). 

When I remind myself of a few positive, simple, and loving truths, I end up instilling goodness within me, and I pray to keep it safe there.

These facts (positive self-truths) about us are our prized possessions that will get us through the day and help us to feel good in the random moments of turmoil that are sure to come our way being human beings.

I need to remind myself (while maintaining awareness of my breathing, and my body…

I am a one of a kind, hand-crafted work of art (Masterfully/perfectly created in human form)

My body is a machine made of flesh, blood, and bone.

No other human being has the brain that I have.

I am created to do well.

I am created to be ME.

I am the only person that is exactly like myself.

I am the only person that is responsible for my safety and well-being.

I know my self better than any other human being on the planet.

I am a source of Immense Love (it was created within me when I was created).

I am created to share my gifts.

My life is my gift.

My children are my treasures, as I am theirs.

Every human being has been designed to be uniquely beneficial.

It is vital for me to accept myself as being wonderful, and I remind myself of this every day. This has proven very beneficial to me. It has heightened my desire to continue doing well, and as long as I continue to strengthen that desire through spirituality/meditation and other attributes, then I never have any reason to be afraid of myself ever again. This, sometimes, daunting task of staying well can only be achieved in the stability of each moment. The stability of my moment is dependent upon me being nice to ME-I need to think kindly of myself if I am going to be consistently kind towards others.

There is never any reason to live in fear if I am conscious and open to the idea of “change” as being a GOOD thing. When I am maintaining a meditative relationship with myself and my Creator, I am remaining open (mentally and emotionally) to anything good that He (God, or The Universe, or Whomever You Feel Is In Charge) feels is right for me. If I am always looking for Goodness in my world, I will not so easily jump to conclusions or become so easily offended by people and situations around me. By remaining vigilant of my emotions and my thoughts, I have opportunities to react quite differently to other humans than how I use to react in my past. I do not HAVE to take things personally right away if I don’t want to. I could ask questions instead, and try my best to gain more knowledge if I care enough about that particular situation/person/people (to each their own).

 The best way to stay peaceful with myself is to live in a state of grateful readiness (everything is a lesson and opportunity to become something different then how I was before-this is an opportunity to change. This opportunity could be perceived as “good” or “bad”, but is actually either beneficial or unbeneficial). In this way, meditation becomes a lifestyle rather than a daily activity. This is where I try to stay. 

It is only by remaining aware of the inner movement of my soul (through being quiet and meditating for even a MINUTE) that I am able to make rational/sound/sane decisions that are reminiscent of someone that does NOT have mental health issues.

It is vital for me to remember my values (the aspects of my soul that I want to keep) in almost every moment of every day I am alive. I discovered these values shortly after I said my prayer of desperation at Sacred Heart. Immediately after I said the prayer, I closed my eyes. I had just prayed for a miracle. So I leaned my head back and was, literally, waiting.

That is when He told me (in His still, small, voice) to count the miracles.

I remember sighing, and saying “fine”.

I pulled out my little notepad and my little pen, and sat there thinking of my response as if it were something I had to remember from a textbook I had read once about my life…

…and then it came to me, and I saw the smallest ray of sunshine through the darkness. I put my pen to my paper, and began writing:

Count the Miracles

I am a Miracle

My kids are Miracles

I was able to see this only because I was looking for it.

I found it because I was looking for the miracles in my life. I was looking for things that have happened that I have perceived as overwhelmingly positive, so positive to the point that it ended up confirming and strengthening my belief in God (or a general goodness and faith in humanity). There had been a number of miracles in my life (my son surviving a pre-term birth and then 5 months in the NICU-came home on my birthday, my meditative vision I received while I was in jail, moments of divine intervention-3 DUI’s, dangerous situations that could have gone in a very bad direction at any point, surviving several suicide attempts, etc.). 

It was by meditating on these things, these facts of my life, that I was able to conclude that I am a miracle. This means that my children are miracles, as well.  They are my treasured gifts that were given to me throughout my years of mental turmoil. 

I continued to write after I had made my list. This time, I asked myself what makes my heart TRULY happy (I had to remind myself and make myself see it). Here is what I wrote:

What Makes My Heart Happy

Music

My kids telling me they love me

My kids telling each other they love eachother

Dancing

Meeting new people/getting to know them

Helping/being nice to people

Feeling the Presence of God

Giving/Receiving Love

Intimacy (in ALL its forms)

Holding my children

My children holding ME

Writing is a beautiful form of meditation and has helped me to get to know and love myself a little more every day. Writing simple and lovely truths is a splendid way to calm my soul.

Calm resides within me. It lives in my soul, which flows through all of me, riding my veins, blending with everything I am.

Applying human characteristics to nature is creative, and meditative. Writing about these characteristics is a form of meditative art.

The Morning is here again, and She is stunning, (even with no make-up on). Her golden hair caresses her shoulders as she gazes upon her Lover.

The trees wake up to Her kiss…

Final Thought on Meditation:

God will use me every moment I am alive.

It is just more *fun* if I am experiencing it WITH Him!

*As our perception of our selves changes, our perception and definition of “fun” also changes, quite naturally, if that is what we deem beneficial for ourselves*