Chapter 3-Writing-from my book, Awareness Is a State of Mind

Chapter 3

Writing/Journaling

Words are a form of art. Our words are very important, and when teamed with intent and action, we can have a powerful effect on our world, and on the lives of every person we interact with. 

I have learned the value of words, as they (the words I choose to speak, and those spoken to me) affect me very deeply.

The words that I speak to myself (my own thoughts regarding me), and the words I speak to others (casual sentences strung together to describe myself) need to be decided very carefully. In what way do I speak to others when I talk about myself?

How am I suppose to change my thought process (and especially my feelings!) when my thoughts are all screwed up all of the time and I cannot even make myself slow down enough to realize what it is I am really thinking about in the first place?????

We have all kinds of issues, don’t we?

I have known people that could not think of one kind thing to say about themselves, let alone, have the ability to make an entire list of things to be grateful for (it is hard to make a gratitude list when I am busy thinking/worrying/doing other things).

If I cannot think of anything nice to say about myself, then it would probably be a good idea to spend some time cleaning out my heart, and my mind. My soul will amaze me with its movement when I do whatever is necessary to feel it as it actually is. (Unload, unpack, sweep out as much debris as you can-situations/moments/people/irrational fears that don’t need to be there and are taking up mental/emotional space and energy).

Writing is the most efficient and soothing way to organize my thoughts, my emotions, my fears, my past, my goals, and my illogical daydreams so that I can see myself and communicate to myself/others as efficiently as I possibly can, while also maintaining trueness to the creative soul that I am (sometimes, it takes me a minute or ten-at least one hour, preferably- for me to even make sense to myself!).

It is for this reason that I put spirituality and meditation as the first and second chapter. Becoming spiritually open, and meditating on good things is a very nice way to begin being honest with myself, and sometimes (all of the time), it takes being brutally honest with myself/God/others in order to get the wellness process started.

One of the many reasons A.A. works (when we work it)

H.O.W. it works (I did not come up with this concept)…

These 3 things fuel desire for overall wellness.

           H.-Honesty, O.-Open-mindedness, W.-Willingness

These 3 things bring a person to their very first A.A. meeting. 

Once a newcomer in A.A. finds a trusted peer (sponsor) to guide them through the A.A. program, he or she is ready to work the 12 steps into awesome sobriety (one way wellness for those of us suffering from alcoholism and other addictions, there are so many of us)..

The 12 steps (originally religious in nature-constructed by The Oxford Group a long time ago) are the spiritual suggestions that the founders of A.A. (Bill and Dr. Bob) decided to write down with the intention of helping other alcoholics get/stay sober. In the process of getting well, Bill and Dr. Bob discovered that helping others get/stay sober was the key to staying sober themselves! (magic!)

When I start working the 12 steps, I soon realize that there is writing involved in practically every step, and every ounce of my being cringes at the idea of mandatory homework that needs to be completed (that is how I use to feel). Gradually, over time, I came to appreciate every suggested writing assignment. I enjoy digging away at my emotions in search of who I really am. I am the greatest adventure I have ever known!

I consider every individual human being to be their own self-contained textbook (I am my greatest resource). We only have our own life that we can truly examine detail to detail. I am the only one who knows how I have really felt at certain points in my life (in the deep core of my soul). I am the only one who can really help/save me. We all ride waves of emotions that ebb and flow, but I am the one who needs to pull the little string on my own flotation device, right? That makes sense, I think.

The 12 steps have given me the ability to look at myself differently, and this is why:

 *This is based on my own experience working the steps for the last 13 years, there are SO many ways to do everything: To each their own.

The Twelve steps and suggested actions typically associated with each step.

1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

List personal examples of Powerlessness and Unmanageability

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Journal thoughts/feelings/description of Something Greater than me that I can have faith in.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Write down 3rd step prayer and say the prayer out loud to God, in whatever way I understand Him to be in that moment.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Write a moral inventory. A list of Causes and Conditions. Grab a Sledgehammer and Knock Down Walls. Wear Your Hard Hat.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Discuss inventory, and write any additional points I have surely forgotten.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Meditate on the Nature of my wrongs, and my own pattern of behavior. WRITE a letter to God, including the 7th step prayer, asking Him to remove any defects of character that are NOT beneficial to me.                 

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Read the letter out loud to God.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Using my discoveries from my 4th step, I make a LIST of people I have harmed with my behavior/words

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

ACKNOWLEDGE and ADMIT the nature of my wrongs and the effect it had on certain individuals TO those individuals. (DIRECT amends)

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Continue WRITING, honestly sharing my thoughts, fears, resentments, finding the nature of my wrongs (repeating steps 4 through 9 on a daily basis, as necessary)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

WRITE, MEDITATE, PRAY, COMMUNICATE with the specific intention of getting to know my Creator/myself

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Continue doing what I have been taught, I put my knowledge to good use, I pass on what I have been given so that I can keep what I have received.

If it seems overwhelming, that is because it is. If all of this seems a little heavy, it’s because it is heavy (our burdens and our Crosses that we bear). The reason this seems so large and scary to those of us that need to do it, is because there is a lot of emotional luggage that I have been carrying with me throughout my entire life that I have allowed to consume me to the point of hurting myself at various points along my journey in many ways (that other people had to watch happen, and then had to help me repair my soul).

These steps (and a lot of other reasons) are exactly why I am able to have the positive mentality and bright insight I have in this wonderful moment in regards to me and my world. 

With a lot of love and help, I learned to write honestly using a genuine desire to change, and I found myself gradually changing (in combination with meetings/fellowship/helping others etc…).

A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY

There are many formal ways to construct a moral inventory. There are workshops, workbooks, pamphlets, charts, diagrams, graphs, lines…

I was going to show you a charted example… and then I decided not to. I will simplify the moral inventory down to a few main points, for my own sanity, right now. Also, we do not always need to make things so complicated all of the time. Sometimes, it is better to keep it simple.

Let us begin by talking about the whole point of why we are even doing this. 

The purpose of doing a moral inventory is so that I can continue to walk down a positive path that is well lit. I am tripping all of the time, because I am not seeing things clearly enough. I need to not be as stressed all of the time. There is too much on my mind for me to react appropriately to my world.

I have resentments towards people; some of whom I wish to continue having a relationship with, and some that I would rather not ever see again. These resentments are invading my personal space within my mind on a regular basis. These thoughts regarding these situations are bothering me and affecting me quite negatively. Therefore, I need to get rid of the thought of my resentments. The situation itself may not change, therefore, I need to change so that I can get well, be well, and stay well, and enjoy my life as it has been given to me to be enjoyed (content and productive).

With all that being said, the main purposes behind completing the 4th step moral inventory is this:

~I will free up mental space (like a computer-creating more availability for our brains to be used in different ways)

~I will gain understanding of why I am, or have been, me... and also gain insight into the reason(s) people in my life have reacted the ways they did to my actions.

~I will be able to, more efficiently, build emotional security for myself.                           

~This will help me to stay sober/real and achieve a genuine happiness that I have not yet experienced.

~This will help me to become more spiritual, allowing myself to feel the presence of God working in me and through me.

With these promises in mind, it is important to remember that there will never ever be just one thing that I do that maintains my peace of mind. There will always and forever be many things that I do on a daily basis, and even more than that, in my life, that are going to keep me as serene as humanly possible being a bi-polar (energetically passionate about everything), depressed (Sadness is So Beautiful), anxious (holding onto myself a little too tightly), mom… (loving, caring, constant self-sacrifice, giving, being adored and needed all of the time). 

I start with a name, someone that I am (still) upset with.

Next to their name, I give a brief description of why I am resentful towards that person.

I write down what it affected in me.

           ~Self Esteem/Self Worth

           ~Emotional Security

           ~Family Relations

           ~Sexual Relations

           ~Financial Security

I seek out my part-Did I do anything that could have possibly contributed to this person hurting me?

The last thing I write at the end of each row is the nature of my wrongs (what is the cause of my part?). Was I selfish, self-centered, or fearful?

It ends up looking something like this (yes, I did the chart).

I write my inventory for the purpose of becoming well. This desire for wellness comes from God in any number of ways (family, friends, random thoughts of betterment, what could be-Hope).  

While this specific chart is a very thorough way of organizing causes and conditions, I need to always remember that I need to do something good with all of this. The best way for me to turn my negative past into something good is to give it directly to the One that created me, asking Him to do something better with it all. I read the whole inventory out loud to God. I also can say the A.A. 7th step prayer that goes like this:

My Creator, I am now willing that You should have ALL of me, good and bad. I pray that you remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to You, and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do Your bidding. Amen. ***reference needed-Alcoholics Anonymous***

Patience and kindness with my own self is of utmost importance in this inventorying process. If I can feel myself becoming too anxious, or too sad, then I need to step away for a little bit (one hour, one day…). It is not good for me to look constantly at my faults from the past. It is good to recognize them, but only to see how my actions ultimately affected me, leading me down trails of perceived self-destruction (Constructive Self-Observation-Purpose Filled Reflection). I need to remember who I use to be, only so that I can see how far I have come, or to remind myself that I am no longer that person that felt the need to do those things that I use to do. 

The best way for me to make amends to those I have harmed is to continue focusing on my own needs in relation to what will ultimately be best for my mind, heart, and soul. I do these things to keep myself feeling balanced, which will make it easier for me to react as sanely as possible, therefore allowing me to keep those things in my life that I treasure.

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 We are created to create, and when we write words on paper, we are able to create anything.

Writing seems, to me, to always be attached to an intention:

We learn to write letters as children so that we can spell words to form sentences. This is done with the intention of growing brain cells so we can have an easier time communicating within our societies/cultures.

We write essays and dissertations with the intentions of earning diplomas, degrees, certificates, awards, and prestige amongst peers, which earns us larger opportunities than what we had before we touched the pen to paper.

Doctors can make a quick diagnoses (based on information gained throughout years of writing and doing), and then they write a prescription to help increase wellness. 

Signing our name can get us a spouse, a child, a pet, some money, a home, a deal, a debt…

We write our names on everything. Each of us is written down and filed away… somewhere, multiple places, I am sure. 

Journaling (genuinely honest thought, written down)

My journals are filled with positive/reflective/sometimes beautifully sad sentences.

Journaling works best for me as a part of spirituality and meditation. However, journaling can be used to jot down anything super positive (unexpected inner gladness/gratitude-little joys). Any kind of self-affirming/soul-strengthening/confidence gaining statements that I can come up with, on my own, is fantastic, especially since I can feel bad about myself so quickly (it is startling to me, sometimes!). The more goodness (mercy) I can store up for myself (produced with myself), the more likely I will be able to remember all of those awesome truths when I start feeling down. 

Journaling is an opportunity to think outside of my own box (try using a different mental scene, change the props, use different color shades in the spotlights, see things in a slightly different light). It feels so good to let my mind stretch itself around my soul, and describe whichever feeling I happen to have in that moment.

I am brilliant wisps of color swirling through the sky…

If I change some of the words, it ends up sounding different, and therefore, feeling different.

I am waves of light, bright in color, painting the blue sky beautiful.

I also use journaling as a way to control my impulsive decision making abilities. 

Recently, after a few brief discussions with my boyfriend over the course of a couple of weeks (together for one month) regarding “the future” (daydreaming together-creating mutual feelings of gladness-extreme joy in having found one another), a random thought came to me on a sunny morning sitting outside, that I could just send him a text message (while he was at work) and ask him if he would want to just go ahead and have a baby with me… now.

I had my hand on my phone, when it occurred to me that maybe I should think about this a little more, and maybe I could write about the idea to see where it leads on paper. I was still feeling the physical excitement of the thought of having a baby (it is amazing how our bodies react to a mere twinkle of a thought of anything…), and that physical excitement affected my brain chemistry to the point where I could not even put a complete sentence together.

This is what I wrote in those moments (over the course of 10 minutes):

Having a baby~Beautiful~loud~peaceful~stressful~no sleep~ever~4 children~5~6~

            LIFE

                  More life

                  More lives

                  One more brain to help grow

Apply it to current moment.

                 Who and How Does It Affect?

Makes me want to stay right where I am at, changing nothing about how good things are right now. This moment is lovely. I respect and honor my beautiful desire for existing. It’s a very nice thought.

I gently set my phone down, and continued watching my children play in the sprinkler and did not think about it at all for the rest of the day (except to remind myself of the overall experience of having the craving removed).

I can also write letters to myself (I can be my own source of comfort). I shall close this chapter on writing with one I wrote before I started writing this book while swimming somewhere in between faith and fear (a reminder to my soul), and as I was writing it (reading it back to myself after), it shifted my focus back to a state of tranquil readiness:

Dearest Elizabeth,

Hi honey. I want to say kind words to you because you are worthy of kindness. I know everything is stressful right now, but I would like to gently remind you that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing.

You are as strong as you need to be to handle what is given to you.

You were built for this moment, and every moment you are alive.

Speak to yourself using positive energy, stay focused on what is best for you and your children, and keep moving in a forward direction.

You are surrounded by love.

You ARE Love.

 Most Sincerely,

        Your True Self