Chapter 3: How can I improve my emotional intelligence? Part 1: Manage your emotions.

Access the free Emotional Intelligence Crash Course at https://www.impactfacilitation.com.au/emotional-intelligence-resources/

We’ve previously looked at what emotional intelligence is and why leaders should care about it. At this point you may be worried if you don’t think you’ve got a high EQ. The good news is that anybody can learn to improve their emotional intelligence. It’s not like IQ, which is largely set from your childhood.[i] Like any skill, this will take hard work: “Growing your emotional intelligence takes practice and commitment. But the payoffs are well worth the investment.”[ii]

Get accountability

The reason it takes time to improve is that you need to rewire your brain to form new habits. By continually deciding to act in new ways in response to emotions, you’ll eventually train your brain to respond this way automatically.[iii]

It can be helpful to get a coach or mentor who can help you through this process. Of course, it’s best to ask someone who has strong emotional intelligence skills. First get feedback on which specific skills you need to improve, then meet to discuss your progress and get regular accountability.

Assessing your own EQ

As we explored in my first article, Daniel Goleman has explained emotional intelligence as consisting of five components. This diagram will help you to understand what each of these components looks like:[iv]??

Which of these components are you weakest in? Which are you strongest in? Understanding your own merits and shortcomings will help you to make more targeted improvements.

Label your emotions

Improve your self-awareness by getting practice labelling your emotions. Throughout the day, pause and ask yourself what you’re feeling and why. If you take brief notes, you’ll be able to notice patterns in your thoughts. These may be helpful to talk through with your coach.

Say you often find yourself snapping at your co-workers on a Thursday afternoon. This could simply be because you’re getting tired towards the end of the week. But after tracking your emotions for a few weeks, you may realise that you get frustrated after the weekly staff meeting because you never feel like your views are heard. Recognising this is a powerful first step, and you could make a plan for how to overcome this frustration in the future.

Don’t get overwhelmed

A key part of emotional intelligence is not getting overwhelmed by emotions. This can be difficult in highly charged situations—for instance, during negotiations and other hard conversations. In these cases it’s important to take time out to relieve the pressure. How can you do this?[v]

·??????Take a break: This is the best thing to do if you can manage it. Get out of the immediate situation and clear your head.

·??????Count to ten: If you can’t actually get a break, pause and count to ten before replying. One tactic in a meeting is to acknowledge what the other person has said, and do something like pour a glass of water before responding.

·??????Consult: Sometimes you’re too close to a situation to see it clearly. Getting another point of view will help you moderate your emotions (or confirm that they’re appropriate for the situation).

Recognising and managing your own emotions is the crucial first step to emotional intelligence. In part two of this article, we’ll consider how to build on this foundation by managing the emotions of other people.

Access the free Emotional Intelligence Crash Course at https://www.impactfacilitation.com.au/emotional-intelligence-resources/

[i] D Goleman, ‘Leadership That Gets Results, in On Managing People (Harvard Business Review), Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation, Boston, 2011, p. 24.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] T Bradberry & J Greaves, Leadership 2.0, TalentSmart, California, 2012, p. 131.

[iv] Summarised from D Goleman, ‘What Makes a Leader?’, in On Leadership (Harvard Business Review), Harvard Business School Publishing Corporation, Boston, 2011, pp. 1-21.

[v] R Fisher & S Brown, Getting Together: Building relationships as we negotiate, Penguin Books, London, 1988, pp. 53-54.