CHAPTER 3 (Exurb) STRENGTH IN CHANGE

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Understand that your friend groups may have changed because of your new status as a widow or widower. What you knew and believed about people in the past may not be the same anymore. It's not necessarily that they are being cruel to you; there could be several reasons affecting the relationship. For example, they may have been used to engaging with you as part of a couple, and it is hard for them to emotionally and mentally detach from their prior perceptions of you. Alternatively, you might remind them of their own losses. This was certainly my case, and it took time for me to understand that. It might also be that you were simply tolerated because of your union with their deceased friend or family, a realization I had to come to terms with as well.

Whatever the reason may be, you must not internalize it and believe that you are the cause. It is essential to be mature enough to recognize that not all relationships are permanent. Some connections only last for a season, no matter how long that season was. If you find yourself unable to get help from certain individuals, do not feel upset or jealous over that or about what you perceived to have lost. In retrospect, it may have been beneficial for both parties to go their separate ways.

Do not adopt an adversarial mindset towards those who do not offer you support. Such a mentality does not serve your purposes. Yes, it can be a bruise to your ego, but do not let your emotions overshadow your objectives. Continue to move forward and seek support elsewhere. Stay focused on your goals and be open to forming new, meaningful relationships that can provide the assistance and the companionship you need.

Over time and during your journey, you will discover members of your new tribe. They may be people you never considered or relationships with individuals from your past that are rekindled due to shared circumstances. For example, one of the people I rely on the most now was once my mortal enemy in college. Yet, years later, he has become one of my best friends. Time, circumstance, and maturity forged that relationship, and he was there for me during one of the most challenging times in my life—when my wife passed away.

A blog post written in May 2022 by members of the European Association for International Education summed up this thought beautifully. The writers said, “In order to be successful in our work, we must therefore travel as nomads across networks and communities of practice internally” (Zadravec, et al). Although they were referring to working with each other in an academic setting, the philosophy can be applied to finding your tribe in the “Sole” solo parenting community. You may need to cross lines locally, statewide, or internationally (via the internet) to find like-minded individuals with whom you can share ideas, thoughts, and tactics. This experience taught me that you never know where your true tribe will come from. It may not stem from your previous friendships, those that existed during your marriage, but could emerge from new or unexpected connections. Keep an open heart and mind, and you may find support in the most unforeseen places.

Keep in mind also that hurt people, hurt people, and at times those you thought would be there, may use your vulnerability as an opportunity to further denigrate you. That feeling is hard but still you must learn that fighting fire with fire will only cause more destruction and it only works with natures wildfires. Instead, learn to use water. I remember after my incident with my mother-in-law and Kim’s funeral, I was livid, but instead of striking back, I chose to understand that she was hurting and not willing to see the error of her ways. I instead put that incident behind me and chose to focus on becoming a better version of me. This book is an example. I had to concentrate on finding support and assistance to achieve my goals related to being a single father. Raising my two daughters, address theirs and my emotional, physical and mental health simultaneously, had to become bigger than finding ways to pay someone who did me wrong back.

In the process, I discovered members of my tribe. They taught me how to better navigate my sole solo parenting path, how to develop strength from weakness, and how to see the value of forgiveness as a strategy to become a better version of myself—one that sees change as an avenue to becoming more resilient, wiser, and better focused on achieving goals, will get you closer to them.

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Loss of your significant other, may also bring about other losses as well. The life you previous led and the people you previously knew, may change in relation to you over time. There are many reasons behind that. Understand them and you will obtain strength from a position of perceived weakness. Listed are 10 reasons why relationships strain after the loss of your significant other.

1.??????? After your loss, which is also theirs, attitudes towards you may change.

2.??????? They may have only tolerated you during the course of your relationship with their friend or family member and the death of your significant other, now gives them permission to reveal their true feelings about you.

3.??????? They may be so hurt about the loss of their friend/family member, that the site of you is a painful reminder of their loss.

4.??????? Some relationships wither over time and a loss can allow some to believe it to be a convenient time to solidify that break.

5.??????? Some people may be so hurt by the loss, they feel that hurting someone else may help them better manage their feelings.

6.??????? Be the bigger person and let go of negative feelings over strained relations. Overtime you will see how that break has become a benefit to you.

7.??????? Find a new tribe of people that respect your feelings and understand you better, perhaps based on their own losses. A new tribe may be more empathetic to your needs.

8.??????? Leave the memories alone (great song by the band Fuel that explains the benefits of doing so, https://youtu.be/t4dAozXWd78?si=L8Q-9hYnu84l2ReB)

9.??????? Understand that you don’t need others to validate your feelings.

10.? Time nor relationship matters if those that do not honor you, have mistreated you in your opinion. Angela J. Buckley, PhD Tony Lynch Kate Mollison Ruth (Toyin) Bajimi Jan Jeremias

#solesoloparent, #soloparent, #griefempowerment, #flyingsolo