Chapter 2: The Discovery

The pelvic exam was now underway.? My doctor checked my cervix to suss out my readiness for delivery.

“Your cervix feels irregular,” I heard her say.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She repeated herself, looking up to the foam ceiling tiles, searching for someone not in the room to clear through her confusion.?

She said it may be nothing, but I should have a Pap Test just in case. After the procedure, when she pulled the instrument out, it was clear there was bleeding and she remarked on the same -- bright red and thick, my lifesource on display on a swab in her hand.?

We all pretended to not be concerned as “this was just for precaution,” because “I’m Eve McDavid” and things like this happen to other people, I thought guiltily to myself.

My stomach dropped as I was transported two years earlier when my same doctor caught an irregularity in my daughter’s heart rate and delivered her the next day, also early, this time three weeks.

My babies never need the full 40 weeks to grow perfect and strong, though they always arrive in crisis. I sensed I was now on the brink of another.?

Like I always did to cope with bad news, I sent myself straight back to the office and gave multiple presentations, this time on my maternity leave plan.?

Thanks to a generous leave policy, for the first time in my life, my only work would be myself and my family.

The next day was my last day in the office and before breakfast, the nightmare began to unfold.?

I hadn’t told my husband about the concern at yesterday’s appointment. “What’s the point?” I thought to myself. He doesn’t have a cervix, he’s never had a Pap, he’ll only be anxious. This will blow over and we’ll still get to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Beacon Theater on Friday, tickets I bought months earlier to celebrate the beginning of maternity leave.

That morning I saw a missed call and voicemail from my OB/GYN register on my phone’s screen at 5 minutes to 8 in the morning, a time a doctor never calls and leaves a message. I knew it had to be bad.?

My husband spun out from our room and into the world, but kissed me first in the bright winter morning light, leaving for a day with his patients.?

I remember thinking “is this the last morning of our lives as we know it?” How long, I wondered, before we’ll enjoy a morning again?