Chapter 11: Community

“Good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.”

- Dr. Robert Waldinger

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Longevity is tied to many different factors, as you may have realized with these series of chapters. In earlier chapters, I provided tips that essentially asked for you to change your bad stress for new stress and how to better deal with having stress in your life. Rarely did I provide a tip on reducing stress altogether or increasing happiness. In this section of chapters, I hope to focus on how to bring a sense of joy, purpose and happiness through community.

Everything prior to this chapter is mainly focused on self, but it should be noted just how important the sense of community and others are in our overall happiness in our lives. The quest for living a long life and increasing healthspan is important, but only part of the equation.

What is the point of going through the trouble of living longer if you are ultimately unhappy? I asked myself a similar question in respect to workplace happiness. Why would anyone stay at a company if they felt unhappy, secluded, and unfulfilled? Do these factors affect a person’s ability to lead effectively? (The answer is yes.) Just how important is the sense of community and belonging to living a happy and fulfilling worklife?

One of the longest studies ever conducted, the Harvard study of Adult Development seemingly has the answer. This study, originally about flourishing before transitioning to a study on happiness, covers hundreds of lives over 80 years covering a breadth of lifestyles from affluent to poor. Each year, the participants of the study, are asked about their lives. This study has lasted so long that many participants have since passed away. This meant we were able to get some insight and reflection/introspection on what makes for a fulfilling and happy life. As, Dr. Waldinger describes in the book The Good Life, that relationships, not fame or money, ultimately is the key to a happy life. ?

So that’s it, right? Doesn’t seem to be a big revelation. “Of course relationships are important.” At least that is what I thought to myself. Well it’s a bit more nuanced than that. For example, a marriage can be filled with arguments, but can still be considered fulfilling as long as each person feels they can rely on the other. Alternatively, a marriage that seemingly gets along without confrontation can be ultimately unhealthy if each person views the other as unreliable.

Find your communities

Whether at work, where you live, or within your friend groups, you need to find your communities (plural). I would recommend not putting all your eggs in one basket. Find multiple groups in which you feel you belong, have shared passions, and can speak freely. Multiple communities will open you to new perspectives and ideas. It is also possible that you may feel a specific community you are attached to will no longer work for you, so having varied groups that you can be a part of is beneficial. For me, I gravitate to pop culture of all kinds such as videogames, anime, manga comics as well as general interests such as food/cooking, fine arts. Find what works for you.

Whenever I join a new company, move to a new region, or have other significant life changes, I spend a considerable amount of time finding communities I can be a part of. If there isn’t a community you can find at your workplace or in your region, start one. Chances are you will find others who share similar interests to you. Creating a sense of belonging is important and fundamental to a healthy lifestyle.

Future fears

As a technophile and introvert, its hard for me to admit that technology is going to make it harder for us (and future generations) to maintain meaningful relationships. We may have a vague sense of relationship through technology, but I fear this will become harmful if left unchecked. We are already seeing signs of this happening in our social media driven society. A social media “fan” may develop an unhealthy one-sided relationship with their favorite social media celebrity. These kinds of relationships are not the kind that will lead to fulfilling lives. Even worse, this type of fandom can feel normalized and healthy. Its important to know when a community has become toxic.

Personal Relationships

I am not qualified to speak on personal relationships. Thus, I would recommend finding a qualified professional to speak to on the subject. A therapist can help coach you and your significant other. As I mentioned before, you may have a seemingly problem-free relationship with friends, family, spouse, etc. but the relationship could ultimately be in a state that is harmful to you and others. As Dr. Waldinger notes, maintaining meaningful relationships will not be easy nor short, but it will be fulfilling and worth it.

Action Items

1.????? Examine your current communities (work, virtual, in-person) and determine if any are toxic.

2.????? Change or remove any toxic communities you are a part of AND/OR join new ones that are healthier

3.????? Work on your personal relationships

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