Chapter 1 – The Darkness

The highway blurred into a relentless ribbon of grey as it streamed past the window. Each passing mile felt like a hammer blow to my chest, solidifying the decision that had been churning in my gut for far too long. This wasn't just another bad day, another wave of despair I could claw my way out of. This time, the undertow was too strong, pulling me down into a suffocating darkness.

My gaze stayed fixed out the window. Tears, hot and salty, traced tracks down my cheeks, blurring the world outside even further. Ten agonising hours stretched before me, a desolate journey towards a terrifying peace. Peace, at least, was what I craved. Freedom from the relentless ache in my soul, the suffocating weight of despair that clung to me like a shroud.

My partner and son, their faces flashed in my mind – innocent, trusting. A fresh wave of guilt washed over me, an icy counterpoint to the burning despair. Would they understand? Could they ever forgive the devastation I was about to unleash on their lives? The thought was unbearable, yet the alternative – another day, another week, another year of this crushing weight – seemed even worse.

There would be no turning back this time. No last-minute phone call, no desperate gasp for help. Every fibre of my being yearned for oblivion, for an escape from the relentless storm raging inside me. "No more sadness," I whispered, the words a desperate prayer to a god I no longer believed in. "No more darkness. No more heartache." They were broken promises, echoes of battles fought and lost. This time, I wouldn't fight. This time, I would surrender.