Changing the Topic During Uncomfortable Conversations

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If we haven't been acquainted yet, I’m a professor of organizational and cross-cultural psychology, the author of?Global Dexterity?and?Reach, and an HBR contributor and consultant.?I also work closely with coaches, trainers, consultants and teachers to certify them in my?Global Dexterity Method.

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As we go off for the holidays with family, I wanted offer a few tricks for avoiding discussion--and heartburn--?during your holiday gathering. It's a simple 3-step formula to change the subject when conversations get heated, tense or uncomfortable.

1.???Step one is the slight of hand. It's a quick and subtle way of changing the subject without anyone really knowing it. The key is misdirection. Stop the conversation in its tracks; bring down their defenses; and don't even let them know you're doing it. Here are a few phrases to try out:

"Yes, I see what you mean, and... "

"You're right, I see what you mean, and... "

"That's really interesting, and... "

"Yes! I do want to hear about this, and..."

"Yes, I'd like to talk about this at some point... and"

See the formula? Acknowledge and compliment to bring down their defenses, and, if possible, go with "and" instead of "but" as your transitional word (since "but" can also prime a defensive reaction).

2.???Step 2 is the pivot. After you've stopped the conversation with misdirection, you have a split second to pivot - and, to do that, you need another catch phrase, something like:

"That reminds me..."

"Before I forget, I wanted to ask you... "

"I was wondering. Could you remind me..."

"I've actually been wondering about..."

3.???Step 3 is the pivot. You might bring the conversation back to an earlier topic--which works well when the uncomfortable conversation is starting to happen within an overall flow of a much longer conversation. Or you might introduce a new topic to talk about--something, ideally, that's at least somewhat related to the original topic--but a bit less controversial.

So, as you pack your bags and steel yourself for some potentially uncomfortable conversations, keep these tricks in mind!