Changing the dynamic when you feel invisible ??

Welcome to Quick Confidence! This weekly letter delivers a spritz of stories, tips and simple actions that will build your confidence and your power. Each quick tip bolsters confidence in your body, mind, and relationships so you can lead yourself and others to greatness.?

Invisibility is the perfect superpower – you could sneak into a Beyoncé concert, avoid people you don’t want to see, and be the master of surprise parties.

But the thought of being invisible is only fun when *you’re* the one in control.

When people gloss past you, fail to make eye contact, skip over your contributions, or dismiss you outright, suddenly being invisible loses its appeal.?

I know, I’ve been there and it feels lousy.

Even worse is when we want to be heard but we let our insecurities get the better of us. For example, you might be sitting in an important meeting, afraid to speak up because you don’t want to make a mistake or have someone think your idea is stupid.

And we all know that when you sit silently in meeting after meeting, eventually people stop asking if you have any thoughts - because they assume you aren’t going to share them anyway.

But, of course, you have an opinion! In fact, you likely have more than one juicy idea but your fear of being in the spotlight makes you hold your tongue instead.

Well, it’s time to take off the invisibility cloak you’ve been lugging around and fully claim your place and make your presence known.

Who knows what incredible contributions and ideas you’ve been keeping locked up... The world needs to hear them – and you deserve the opportunity to share them.

Use these tips next time you need to muster up the courage to speak your mind in a room where you’re feeling invisible:

Quick Confidence Tips for Speaking Up When You Feel Invisible:

1. Mindset: Try to pinpoint the specific action that’s making you feel excluded or invisible. To better the situation (whether that means working to improve it for yourself, others or to leave altogether for a better work culture), it helps to recognize what action is causing you to feel left out. Is there a culture where a few dominators speak in a meeting while everyone else stays quiet? Are certain roles or functions revered with importance while others are treated as “second-class” or nonexperts? Does your team prefer fast-flowing brainstorms whereas you prefer to think more deeply and slowly? By putting words to your experience, you will not only get clarity on what's bothering you, you'll make sure you don't create that same dynamic in the meetings you run!
2. Embodied: Reformat how you meet. If one-way monologues or interruptions are pervasive in your group, it’s a prime opportunity to suggest creating new team norms. These are purposeful ground rules for how a team collaborates and can create a more positive, respectful, and innovative culture. Examples include: Asking clarifying questions rather than making assumptions; Balancing your participation so that you speak AND listen; and Divvying up meeting agendas whenever possible. Team norms like these build more inclusive communication but they also help you make stronger decisions. Dr. Todd Dewett, PhD author of the terrific new leadership book, Dancing With Monsters , says genuine inclusion practices like these validate your coworkers’ expertise, shows that you are a fair facilitator, and significantly increases how strongly your coworkers will own a decision.? Who doesn’t want that?!
3. Interpersonal: Show up as an ally to others. If you’ve experienced being minimized, you know better than anyone that it stinks. So be an ally. For example, you can make an observation and then a recommendation within your team. Keeping it fact-based, you could say, “That’s the third time Deirdre's been cut off, let’s let her finish…” or “Some of you have weighed in on this issue. Let’s hear from those that haven’t yet.” In these cases, you’re drawing on observable behavior and facts, not innuendo. This approach gives the interrupter, in the first example, a chance to correct what they’re doing (in case they’re somehow not aware of their behavior). In the second example, we open up the floor by offering an invitation to those who are being overlooked or underheard the chance to speak. And of course, you can remind people that they’re out of alignment with a specific team norm you’ve agreed to! Taking a stand quickly and succinctly in this way helps you to powerfully change the pattern and address faulty group dynamics. That way you can solve bigger, more meaningful things as a team.

Wearing a cloak of invisibility causes us to miss out on opportunities to get involved in things we care about. That’s why it’s important to trust the fact that if you feel excluded or minimized, there’s a good chance others do too. Use these tips to make your presence known and to be sure you’re building bridges to others too.?As basketball coach John Wooden once said, “It is easier to reach our potential when we learn the value of including others in our quest.”

Do you sometimes feel invisible within your group dynamic? Here’s your chance to practice speaking up in a safe space by sharing in the comments. Or maybe there's someone on your team who is routinely excluded - how might you be an ally for them the next time that happens?

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