"Changing countries is a demolishing experience." Here are the 8 reasons why...

In many ways, I am lucky. My career has enabled me to work in over 20 countries, and I have lived in six of them for significant periods of time. My first long solo overseas relocation was at 19 to work in America, and my last was recently, finishing almost seven years in Singapore. I loved both experiences for different reasons. But before you think, "Wow! That beats going to the office in my hometown every day," I'll let you in on a little-known fact, it will absolutely break you. It broke me at times, and I thought I was bulletproof!

Now, I'm not simplifying things to solely blame geolocation for divorces, mental breakdowns, or career collapses, but talking to friends and colleagues who have walked the same path, it's a taboo pattern. Relocation is a huge contributing factor and, on reflection, often too high a price to pay for a change of scenery and a promise of a better job.

Compiling experiences, there are some common threads you should heed before you pack your suitcase for a new horizon.

1) Humans Don't Like Change - We are hardwired to resist change. Part of the brain, the amygdala, interprets change as a threat. It releases hormones for fear, fight, or flight. Your body is actually protecting you from change.

Do this too often and it becomes stressful, leading to depression, anxiety, and coping habits that inhibit these feelings, such as excessive drinking, drugs, eating, or inappropriate relationships, anything to get a dopamine hit to offset the emotional root cause trauma. Yes, it is that bad!

2) Motivation - Great, so you are planning to live overseas. Why? I'm not here to criticize you, just give you space for open reflection and some forethought before you take the plunge.

Be honest: is this your reason escapism? Is it really a good career opportunity? Or just a cultural learning experience? Or to build a new life? Any of these are okay, but each defines if it will work and for how long, as there are very different ways to prepare and things to expect.

Remember, I'm not talking about you taking a holiday or a secondment for a month or two. I'm talking about establishing yourself in a foreign community for years. You might be the only person of your race, creed, color, and religion. It will be a change. I remember my first stint in China; I didn't see another Westerner for weeks and felt like a tourist attraction, with locals pointing and whispering. It was unsettling.

If you are going for a learning experience, you will learn lessons, including ones about yourself, as much as about the place you visit. You will feel more alone than ever before. You will feel more stimulated than ever before. You will get food poisoning, you will get homesick, and there will be days when no one cares and few understand what you are experiencing.

If you are escaping something or tackling it naively (hard to admit, but optimism is naivety), expect your expectations to be unmet.

It's all in the motivation. Go in with your eyes and mind wide open, and you can have a great experience. Otherwise, it will be a shock, and you need to be able to adjust.

3) Mindset - Ego in check? Nope. Mature enough? Nope. Self-sufficient enough? Nope. Enough money? Nope. Okay, so that's more honest.

In preparation, you need to be mentally robust. General happiness is derived from the difference between reality and expectation. Moving countries is exciting, but it's a rollercoaster that doesn't stop. A setback at home is gutting; a setback on the other side of the world can be devastating.

You need to have the mindset to understand things are not going to go to plan, and that's okay. You need to factor in regular visits home and regular visits from family and friends as you plan to straddle your two worlds.

If you are shifting more than +/- 4 hours in timezone, make sure you have a local support community because when you need friends and family back home, they will be asleep or at work when you plan to call. Get help, lots and lots of help. Failure to do this, and your mind will crack first and fast.

4) Social Support - If you don't have a support system around you with people you can trust, you are exposing yourself to free fall when things go wrong.

You will meet more people, good and bad. Some will become lifelong friends; some will use and abuse you if you let them. You need to be ready for that experience, as it will define your future.

Shacking up with a local partner aka "walking dictionary," is tempting, but puts too many eggs in one basket. If or when that relationship struggles, as all do from time to time, you likely will not have built your own safety net outside the relationship, and the consequences will be even more significant.

Some expat groups are more like Tinder for expats, if that's your thing, but I recommend you conduct yourself as you would at home, and it'll feel more familiar and reduce culture shock. If you like yoga, join a yoga club. If you like bike riding, join a bike club. Don't try to change too much; comfort is in the familiar.

5) Trailing Spouse Syndrome - Yes, it's now a syndrome! TSS describes the emotional and psychological struggles that many expat partners (usually wives, but it's gender agnostic) typically encountered while living abroad. It manifests as feelings of isolation, loss of identity, loneliness, and even depression. It is the most common cause for an expat stint overseas to come to an early end. The Monday 9am call to HR from a recently relocated executive saying, "I'm leaving to go back home because my wife can't settle here," is more common than you'd expect.

Sometimes it's understandably hard for the spouse to acknowledge their own struggle until it becomes too much. Especially if you are taking up a job and they are sitting at home isolated. It's just as challenging for them in a different way.

Make building a support network for your spouse a top priority. Make time to spend with your spouse, not the job. If you don't invest in this, not only will you be going home early, it might be via the divorce court! I would estimate that half the people I know divorced while overseas from their spouse or as a result of moving.

So get a therapist and speak to people before you go to ensure there are people you both know so you can have a full life together and individually in the new country.

6) Hindsight - Done this before? Think you have it covered? Nope! Okay, yes, it does get easier the more times you do it, but that's like saying if you keep hitting your hand with a hammer, the pain reduces as you get numb. It doesn't mean it's healthy!

If you are doing this again, it is different each time. Yes, you know what to pack luggage-wise, yes, you know to join the golf club and a gym and speak to the local chamber of commerce, but doing a stint in Florida vs. Malaysia might as well be the Moon vs. Mars.

Assume you know nothing and start from there.

7) Culture - The allure is there 100%. From the interesting food to new sights, sounds, and smells, all are very stimulating.

I remember walking down the streets of my newfound "homes" listening to undecipherable chatter from the locals. It's endearing at first but feels isolating later. After a period of time, the lack of the familiar (roughly meaning "of the family" in Latin) will pull you back to the desire for your core roots. You can take the man out of Worcestershire, but you can't take the Worcestershire out of the man, in my case!

Long ago, I stopped trying to blend in, I stopped learning all the languages beyond pleasantries, and just accepted who I am in their world. I don't attach resentment to being pointed out in public as the gwáilóu, Laowai, gaijin, ang moh, or various forms of "White Ghost," oh and the occasional Gora-Sala and whinging pom! I know who I am, and if they knew me too, I would just be "Malcolm." Racism, casual or otherwise, exists across cultures, and you will experience that. So get thick-skinned. It's a reflection of their narrow-mindedness, not your value.

8) Timing - This is more about the ability to combine the best options to have the most successful chance. Depending on why you are going, for how long, and with whom, the success varies dramatically. I went to Singapore for two years and ended up staying for over six. I still enjoy going back on occasion. I loved it for the most part, but I just got homesick and couldn't get Permanent Residence (PR) status, so I accepted early on that it was never going to be home.

I suggest if you have a time with limited responsibilities e.g. young, free, and single or empty nesters going for a few years of experience before the next chapter of your life it will be an adventure. Pull your kids from school, wife from her social circle and family and plonk yourself in a developing country you hadn't heard of a year ago for a tax break and it will be the breaking of you, not the making.

Conclusion

Unless you have a bottomless pit of money or very few responsibilities, it is likely that one or more of the above will snap at you. With a bit of awareness and a reality check, you will survive. But take this as a cautionary note: you can always go to these places on holiday and not have to try to make life work on the other side of the world.

If you do go, remember: the only thing you can guarantee is at the other end of your journey is you. Bon Voyage!

About the author: Malcolm Wild is a technologist with over 25 years experience in retail and ecommerce, combined with consulting and delivery experience across APAC, EMEA and USA. He brings this historical experience to clients in an ever evolving landscape.?Any views represented here are those of the author and not necessarily those of any organization or employer that he may represent. www.malcolmwild.com 2024 (c).