Change Your Identity and Change Your Life
Once people decide someone is a certain type of person, it is generally very difficult to change peoples’ minds. We make up our mind that someone is:
- Not smart
- Smart
- Unsophisticated
- Low class
- High class
- Interesting
- Boring
… and so forth and then, going forward, it becomes very difficult to change opinions that the person is anything other than what we have judged them as being. It is very difficult for people to change their opinions about others and changing opinions, if they ever change, is something that generally takes a lot of time.
People also do the same thing with themselves. They reach conclusions about themselves that they are:
- Boring
- Depressed
- Fat
- Ugly
- Unsuccessful
- Unmotivated
…and then go forward living their lives with these identities. One of the hardest things for people to do is change their identities and the people they believe they are. Most of us defined ourselves long, long ago and now continue to define ourselves based on this long ago impression.
Have you ever noticed that when you meet someone new, they will generally tell you about something in their past that is positive such as the college they attended, that they were a great high school athlete, that they grew up very wealthy, that they used to be a model, that one of their relatives was famous and so forth? People do this because it gives them a positive identity, and it is how they define themselves. Our identities and how we define ourselves is extremely important.
We all define ourselves in some way, and the worst thing we can do is define ourselves negatively. These negative definitions of ourselves are harmful, hurtful and hold us back. I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books. Something I have noticed in almost all movies and books is that people are always fighting against past mistakes or negative stuff that has been said about them. How many “flashbacks” can you recall from movies where an adult is having a flashback about something negative that someone once said to the person. In all of these instances, the audience generally learns that it is this “past definition” of the person that is controlling his or her life.
One of the more interesting things I have observed in my life—because it is so rare—is when a very overweight person decides they are no longer going to be overweight and goes on a diet and loses (and keeps off) a bunch of weight. When people do this, they end up looking different—and better. They often become happier, more energetic and a completely different person.
On the few occasions in my life that I have known people who were once fat but went on diets, the change was stunning because I often did not recognize them after this weight loss. From a psychological standpoint, it was even a little difficult to process. There was a person I had judged and felt was one way for the longest time who suddenly became someone completely different. It was a complete reversal of the person physically and not what I expected. What this showed me was that we often judge people one way and, once we do, changing our opinion becomes extremely difficult – often almost impossible.
You may say “I am fat” or “I am lazy”. Once you decide this, your behavior will often be consistent with this identity—even if this identity is negative. One of our strongest needs is to make sure that our behavior is consistent with our identity—even if our identity is negative.
In business and in the legal arena, I have encountered many bad people: People who have spent time in prison, been in major trouble with the government, or been sued for doing very bad things. I was raised to believe that people should be forgiven and can become better people. I want to believe people are good. When you meet bad people, they often say things like “people say I am dishonest” or “people say I cheated” and so forth. Statements like this often show how these people define themselves (based on how others have defined them).
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