Be the Change You Want to See

“You look good in every colour, despite being dark.” “You’re so lucky to have two ventures of your own, especially with a husband and kids.” “Wow, you can really lift heavy—I didn’t think you could do it.” Comments like these are often meant to sound supportive but are laced with assumptions. Imagine instead if someone said, “I didn’t think you’d be lifting weights so soon after your injury; your progress is inspiring.” Now that’s encouragement—celebrating effort without suggesting it’s surprising you could achieve it. Real support doesn’t need to be tinged with hidden judgments or doubts.

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Change has to start with each of us, even in small ways. DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) efforts can feel overwhelming, especially for those who haven’t experienced exclusion firsthand. Many of us grew up in environments where comments like, “Kitni moti hai, who’ll marry you?” or “They’ll hire you to scare people” were seen as harmless jokes. But were they ever really harmless? These remarks quietly reinforce stereotypes and subtly shape how people view themselves—and each other—leaving a lasting impact that often goes unnoticed.

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Take a team member of mine—brilliant at her job, yet she often downplays her achievements, saying she doesn’t deserve recognition. This kind of self-doubt can stem from growing up hearing comments that dismiss accomplishments, like “what’s so great about that?” Over time, words like these build up, turning from passing comments into internalized beliefs, making people question their worth and undervalue their accomplishments.

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This is far from an isolated experience. Another one of my team mates, despite coming from an educated family, shared how her father offered to pay her the same salary she earns if she’d quit her job to take care of her grown children and aging in-laws—a role she is already balancing alongside her career. He was trying to help reduce her burden, but underlying this suggestion was the assumption that her career was somehow secondary to her family obligations, reinforcing stereotypes that women must prioritize home over work, regardless of their personal aspirations.

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Similarly, I recently asked my nephew, an engineering student, how many girls were in his class, and he told me there were only eight out of a hundred and six. The gender gap is still glaring, especially in fields like finance and tech. The COVID-19 pandemic revealed this imbalance further as more women left the workforce due to caregiving responsibilities that disproportionately fell on them. And, while adapting to pandemic protocols felt overwhelming, most of us adjusted in a matter of months.

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These beliefs run deep in our culture, especially ones we’ve grown up with and never questioned, and change can feel like an uphill climb. Yet, it’s possible. Each small step—being mindful of our words, recognizing people’s achievements without adding surprise or doubt, and choosing encouragement over judgment—brings us closer to a society that truly values each person.