Change Your Language, Change Your Mind

Happy Friday,

Lately, time "off" to rest and recover has afforded me the space to zoom in and also out, observing myself and my behaviors, interactions, tendencies, etc. One thing I've noticed in both myself and in a lot of people I care about, is how we all apologize for taking care of ourselves when we're tired. "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to review the deck before the meeting." "I'm sorry I'm off camera because I'm walking and talking." "I'm sorry for the background noise [while still participating in the meeting from the lobby of a hospital.]" These are little statements we say without thinking twice.?And they probably don't seem like a big deal. But what does this say about the meaning of rest in our lives, and why does it need to be someone's fault when we need it? Rest is a fact of life, just as much as breathing. And as much as I've over-apologized in my life, I don't think I've ever apologized for breathing. (No wait, that's a lie... I definitely apologized for breathing as I spoke on the phone while walking up a hill, just the other day.)

You've likely noticed this tendency to over-apologize in yourself or someone close to you. It's pretty damn cliche at this point, although I have noticed fluctuations depending on what cultural context I find myself in that day (ahem... Portland, fellow Asian-Americans, people at dog parks everywhere, and most women). What do these language compulsions say about our values, our priorities, our sense of self-worth? Noticing this has tuned me to be on the lookout for subtle reframes -- simple swaps to shake me out of a power diminishing mindset. Here are some speech pattern de-automizations I've been experimenting with and keeping track of. Please share any additional ones that you've heard or adopted!

Sorry ?? Thank You

One slight reframe I've adopted lately, to "ween" myself off of apologizing unnecessarily, is to simply replace my compulsive "I'm sorry" with a similarly compulsive yet less accusatory "thank you." As in, THANK YOU for understanding I needed to catch up on sleep and didn't get a chance to review beforehand. THANK YOU for carrying on with me off camera while I stretch my legs. THANK YOU for putting up with the background noise, I'm headed into a yoga class after this.

I Don't Have Time ?? That's Not A Priority

Every time I catch myself getting ready to say "I don't have time" for something, replacing it with "[that thing] is not my priority right now." Examples: "I don't have time to workout today." ?? "Working out isn't my priority today." / "I don't have time to call [loved one] tonight." ?? "Calling [loved one] is not my priority tonight." Sometimes this swap makes things sound more accurate, other times it makes things sound way harsher. And when it sounds harsh, it likely IS a priority, and I realize I should MAKE time.

Playing the Victim ?? Being the Player

I live in nyc, where unexpected subway delays happen so frequently, to say "unexpected" feels like an oxymoron. I am also a recently-resolved-former-chronically-late-person, constantly afraid of relapse. Shortly after this new year, a friend reminded me of an simple lesson I'd shared while in business school: It is so tempting to blame other factors when running behind, but in doing so we are painting ourselves as powerless victims of a situation beyond our control. Although it may seem weird at first, being the player rather than playing the victim can exude power, responsibility, and control over your own life. Saying "I slept late and didn't allow enough time for traffic" beats "there was traffic" every time if you want others to think of you as someone who takes control.

Why? ?? How?

As a brand strategist, many times focus group host, and forever cultural researcher, I've long held and promoted the mantra of "ask WHY five times." But often times within a binary, interpersonal, "us vs. them," or even in a marriage context, asking "WHY?" can land like a condescending demand that incites a trial, rather than a tour. (h/t Kate Brodock for sharing this TED talk on How Curiosity Will Save Us !) Lately, I've been loving the reframed question of "How did you come to believe/know this?" instead of a passive-aggressive "WHY???" And a bonus: "What is it you care more about than X?" rather than "Why don't you care about X?"

Can't ?? Can

Yesterday I saw a post on artist Annika Hansteen-Izora 's Instagram, appreciating the "errand hang." An excerpt: "The errand hang - where you hit up your homie to accompany you while you tend to the daily tasks of life - the grocery run, getting a pair of pants tailored, helping you pick a new bedframe, etc. The errand hang dismisses the usual setting of a bar or a lunch... The errand hang sings: 'ok I'm a human and you're a human and we're going to take an intimate walk through this seemingly ordinary part of my life, but if you look closely, this moment will reveal something delightfully specific and illuminating to what makes me - me, and I want to share that with you...'" I lit up when I saw this, and it reminded me of recovering from surgery, the perspective-bending reality of living with a chronic illness, or that time in 2020/2021 where we all collectively discovered (but didn't yet despise) Zoom accompaniments to life. Changing from can't to can shifts illness and constraint from a limiting/negative to an expansive/positive light. Let me be clear: this does not mean "power through anyway," but instead encourages a shift from focusing on what you can't do to realizing what you can. Rather than, "I can't go to the party because it will be too much for me," saying "I can keep you company at the grocery store earlier in the day" sounds like an unexpectedly fun reframe.