Change and the reality of Safeguarding

When working with children and families trying to safeguard them and ensure a children’s wellbeing and healthy development, so that they have an opportunity to reach their potential, what you are frequently asking families to do is to change in some way.

You are looking to induce a greater insight and a willingness to improve the parenting and care their child receives and/or improve the environment they are exposed to.

However, getting parents to buy into the need to change and improve their care of their child is far easier said than done, and your intention to keep a child safe and promote their wellbeing invariably runs into conflict with the views of the parents or families you work with.

Parent’s backs tend to stiffen, giving rise to hostility and resentment within them, when professionals request changes be made to the way they parent their children.

Now you might reason that parents who love their children would be happy to get advice about how to improve their parenting right?

Unfortunately parents don’t tend to feel that way in practice, and though they love their children there is absolutely no guarantee that they will be receptive to your advice and suggestions.

In fact it is much more likely than not, that they won’t be!

Why is this?

I think this is the case for a number of reasons:

Firstly you are asking them to do something which violates what they see as their right – namely to be who they are and bring up their child the way they see fit.

You see that parents, like you me and everyone else, are the product of their environment, having been exposed to the same level of care or parenting over and over and over again, until that forms their character, who they are and how they see the world.

So what you’re asking of them in changing the way they parent is to be different than who they are and what they believe to be right.

Secondly, in most parents eyes your request and actions are seen as insulting because every parent wants to see themselves (and be seen) as being a’ good parent,’ and the mere fact that you are involved asking them to provide a different level of parenting, suggests that they are not. ?

Thirdly, no parent likes to feel that things or other values are being imposed upon them, particularly as they have neither asked for, want, or see the value in what is being asked of them.

Fourthly, as a general point, people don’t like change, unless they have asked for it, been consulted about it, and see the benefit of it for themselves.

For all of those reasons and probably more trying to encourage parents to improve their parental capacity is nearly always met with considerable opposition, hostility and failure.

As a consequence those involved in attempting to safeguard children spend a lot of time hitting their head against a wall and/or being abused by angry parents and family members.

Given this scenario, what if anything is the best way forward in bringing about effective change?

Well...I’d be lying if I gave the impression that there was any type of guarantee in producing effective change in parent’s attitude and receptiveness. But there are a few things that are more likely to be helpful than unhelpful.

Below is a short list in no order of priority:

Be gentle with parents, even when they are not with you.

Be appropriately friendly and polite, although they may behave rudely towards you.

Do not be tempted to argue – avoid arguing with parents or family members.

Do not tell parents they are wrong, or criticise them, that only fosters greater resentment and opposition.

If you make a mistake, or are wrong about something, apologise or admit your mistake as soon as possible.

Always listen to them fully without interrupting. Spend more time listening to them than talking.

Seek to understand them and put yourself in their place – always try to see things from their point of view.

Talk in terms of their wants, once you know clearly what their wants and desires are.

Be sympathetic to their feelings and wants.

Find things that you genuinely admire about them – genuine is the operative word here!

Praise them in an enthusiastic manner when possible, acknowledge their strengths and leave them with a sense that they are valued and respected.

If a parent changes their mind following some input from you. Allow them to feel the idea was always theirs.

Ask them for their views and recommendations about issues or things you may have in common and demonstrate that their views are important.

Maybe you can think of other points that are helpful or effective in producing positive change? ?