Change Others By Changing Your Frame

It would be so much easier to accomplish everything we set out to accomplish?if other people were… [fill in the blank]!?I know… “how cynical!” Right??But surely, we all think that, or things like that on a regular basis. Most human beings are hard-wired to judge and compare, and usually, unless you have profound self-esteem issues, others come up short.

This happens in the workplace and in our personal lives. My coaching clients complain about the shortcomings of their employees, their boards, their investors, spouses, children and more. I thought the middle of summer holidays might be a good time to do a little thought experiment to address this recurring theme.

In case you are wondering,?I started doing the experiment using my own internal monologue of blame and criticism — since I am exactly like every other human , and regularly?find fault with those in my life and work.

It was a coaching conversation that started me thinking about this.?In order to coach people you have to be able to transform yourself into a champion for your client?–regardless of your opinion.?Since I am extremely opinionated, being able to put aside my opinions and be a champion for my clients to win — and being adamant that they will not fail — requires me to listen in a very disciplined way.?For the most part I am extremely successful in doing that professionally, and can completely alter how I listen to almost anyone if we are in a coaching conversation.?But that’s a big caveat. In most of life, I’m in an non-coaching conversation. That includes most of business too.

I can honestly say that I adore my coaching clients — and that is categorically true— even of the ones I don’t have yet. The reason it can apply even to clients I don’t yet have, is because it?is not?coincidental or related?to anything about their personalities. It has to do with how?I?am with them, as contrasted with how I am elsewhere. In a way, I have a specific and bespoke way of being with my clients. It isn’t a matter of luck or my feelings, but of my commitment.

The challenge comes with people who are not my clients, where I don’t have that commitment or created way of being. There, I am just default Amie.

So I wanted to see if I could bring the same kind of clarity and discipline to non-clients, and what would happen if I did.?

To do this exercise I gave myself a mental context with which to work. It isn’t true or false, but simply a way to frame the interactions. For example, you might use such a frame if you were about to be interrogated. Instead of just interacting however comes naturally to you, you might instruct yourself in advance to stay aware that since they are trying to get a reaction you must listen to everything they say knowing that it’s only purpose is to annoy or irritate you.?

If you could keep that premise in your mind during an interrogation you would respond differently, right? You?would remain calm and let everything just roll off of you instead of becoming emotional.?

Well, for this experiment We are going to choose a different frame, but one that that works the same way.

Before interacting (in any way) with someone about whom you normally complain, tell yourself that no matter what they say or do, you will learn something from it.?(Now, be careful you don’t start manipulating that in your mind by turning it on its head and learning something about how messed up they are.)?You are out to learn something about the power that YOU bring to every interaction.??Because if the experiment works and you do have that power, the possibilities for all of your relationships are immense!

The trick is to listen keenly?for that person’s greatest self.?Imagine you are the person’s biggest fan—or a protégé— that they have nothing but pearls of wisdom for you, and your goal is to hear all of it, learn all of it and benefit from it. I know, it sounds crazy when you apply that to someone who annoys you. But remember, it’s an experiment.?And it’s a secret experiment. You don’t tell the person you’re doing this, you just do it.

When I tried it myself it was really interesting. Suddenly, the annoyance fell away.?I don’t know for sure whether they were different, but I know?I was different.?My body language changed automatically. My responses changed. I found myself interested instead of bored or irritated — and I?did?learn from the exchange. I learned from lots of people for the last few days that I’ve been doing this, mostly from the ones who I normally avoid?or cut short when I’m forced to interact with them.

I’m not suggesting that by doing this you will never again be annoyed.?But there are key people in your life with whom you are less powerful, more unhappy and less productive – people who are not going away.?If you can bring joy, empowerment and freedom to those interactions with those people, you will be more powerful and effective. It makes a massive difference in an organization to create affinity between teammates. And, I’d wager a bet that you have at least one super-annoying colleague or employee. What could you learn from them?

Give it a try. View someone who bugs you through the lens of being a protégé and watch them change!

Are you considering executive coaching for yourself or your team? Schedule a call with me to learn more.