Chances Are You Suck at Communication

Here's Why And What You Can Do About It

Communication is the lifeline and throughline of every business. Everyone, in every job, and in every kind of company has to communicate with a range of people. Upwards of 80% of our workday is spent talking to or writing to other people, so getting better could help not only us, the people doing it, but business, too. 

Problem: We never learn real-world communication

No one teaches us how to communicate, especially not how to do it in a work setting. We are lucky if we get useful lessons out in the real world, but our communication skills are generally informed by a me?lange of experiences from school, our families, and the assortment of norms held over from decades of outdated work culture. 

We learn a bit about communication in school, but it’s primarily one-directional: writing a paper or making a compelling argument. That’s all we need to know, right? Wrong. 

Work communication isn’t unidirectional; it’s bidirectional, multidirectional, and collaborative. And that means a lot more nuance than we ever learned. Plus, add in the layer of making most, if not all, of your work-related communication digital or virtual, and you’ve added even more variables and opportunities for things to get lost in translation. 

Solution

We have to practice and ask for feedback. We need to engage, not just present. We need to understand what other people are saying, even when it’s hard to do so. We need to know if they understand us, even when they won’t say so one way or the other. 

Because our work is dependent on other people, we have to know how we’re doing from their perspective. Ask, “Was that email clear?” or have a colleague read a draft of a tough message to help workshop better ways to share it (there is always room for improvement). The best way to learn is to try -- and probably make a few mistakes along the way. But continually striving to share context and intention, and gauging the responses, will get you far. 

Problem: Passive aggression is everywhere

I don’t know if it’s because I live in the Midwest, but I see, hear, and feel passive-aggression everywhere. It’s in emails, boardrooms, and meetings. “Per my last email” is really someone saying, “I already asked you about this; why haven’t you answered it?” at best, but probably more like, “Can you respond to my damn email?” It’s people saying or feeling one way and thinking or doing something different.

We’re so used to passive-aggression at work that we aren’t aware of or even conscious of when we’re participating in it. We’re taught from a very young age to be nice and to behave. Combine that with spending the majority of our waking hours in a hamster cage with people we didn’t choose, and you have a recipe for implosion. The result is that we spend hours at work stewing and complaining about what’s wrong or sidestepping problems because we don’t want to rock the boat. Whatever we do, it certainly isn’t addressing what’s wrong head-on. 

Solution

Clear and direct communication will take down passive-aggression because it thrives when we let things go, and we’re too concerned about being liked to be transparent in both words and actions. You don’t have to confront, but you have to set clear expectations in writing and request the other person to do the same. Ask questions rather than letting the passive-aggressor be unclear or misleading. And stop worrying about “behaving” -- rarely anything good comes from that.

Problem: We’re too focused on what we’re saying that we ignore how we’re saying it

Often when we’re preparing to deliver a message, we spend a lot of time hashing and rehashing what we’re going to say. We focus on what the message is and making it as clear as possible. But that’s only a fraction of the equation when it comes to effective communication. 

How you deliver your message is as important as the message itself. The how will determine whether someone actually hears what you’re saying. The how determines the dynamics and tone of the subsequent conversation. And lastly, the how is what builds trust and partnership with the other person. 

Solution

Next time you deliver a message, consider your communication on a spectrum from careful to thoughtful. Careful centers you and your discomfort. When we’re careful, we are avoidant, indirect, and unclear. We editorialize and apologize, soften and couch. When we do all this, we aren’t honest. 

That’s all bad news: without any communication, issues fester; without direct communication, issues get blurred.

Thoughtful communication centers the other person. A thoughtfully delivered message is considerate of their feelings without shrinking or obscuring the message. When we empathize with the other person and take accountability for our discomfort and move through it, we can be thoughtful. When we’re too careful, we dilute the message and sometimes don’t communicate it at all. When we’re thoughtful, we do our best to communicate with everyone’s best interests in mind. 

But the number-one thing that makes communication at work better? More. More is actually more. More direct, more empathetic . . . more human. We need to care about doing it well and about getting better for the sake of ourselves and everyone with whom we work.