Challenging Disapproval with Acceptance

The coughing woke me up. Followed by the movement of a little human getting in my bed. I pulled her close. Our ritual. On sick days.

Still snoozing, we chatted about the things on her mind. Today, the topic was appearance. Courageous Child is about to turn 11. The dynamics of groups do not go unnoticed by a sensitive and keen observer like her.

‘What is the difference between being laughed at and disapproval?’

‘Well… laughing at others is something childish that bullies do. That behavior is not cool or accepted. Nobody does that in my class. Disapproval though ….’ Courageous Child went quiet for a bit. Then continued.

‘Well, it’s like when someone does something which does not fit with the norm. That person does not get excluded, but loses some respect from the group. Like when J. showed up in the class with purple hair, which was unusual. No one laughed at J or said unkind things. But I also did not want to lie and say that I like the hair color. ‘

Now it’s my time to get quiet and collect my thoughts. ‘I am trying to understand. So this is what I think I’ve heard. You mentioned no one bullies others in your class and that laughing at others is a behavior that is not accepted. You also mentioned that when J showed up with purple hair color, that was something unexpected and took you and others by surprise. When that happened, you noticed a part of yourself that showed disapproval. Does that sound right?’

Courageous Child agreed.

I went on. ‘Disapproval is something we all do. I notice that in myself too, all the time. I don’t think it is something bad. For me, it's more of a signal. When I disapprove of something I ask myself: 'What is it that the other is doing, that I secretly wish I dare to do as well?' Just the other day, someone posted something on Linkedin while I am familiar with that topic too. I noticed my disapproval towards that person. ‘How dare you position yourself as the expert with your knowledge? Compared to me, you have less learning experience in this field.‘ That was the thought in my head then.’

‘So mommy, then you need to be the expert too! You should post something as well, showing what you know!’

I squeezed her tight. ‘You are right, kiddo.’

Then I continued: ‘It sounds like you are afraid that others might give you disapproval if you would do something out of the ordinary, as you have noticed that in yourself towards others. Is that a right guess?’

Courageous Child nodded.

‘What if you could accept that unusual part of yourself? When you can be kind to yourself and appreciate all the different parts of you, you get used to all kinds of styles. Just like when you wear your hair in a pigtail, or as braids, or let it hang loose. These are all styles you can create with your hair, and all these styles are you.'

Courageous Child turned around and looked at me. 'I’m gonna try mommy’.?

We moved towards each other to snuggle a bit more.

Curious for more lessons from Courageous Child? Get the book here.

This book is about my own inner journey. How I began to see myself as an instrument, through Courageous Child. The path I walked on as a parent and as a facilitator. Each of my own personal lessons is linked to something this courageous child once said, reminding and pushing me to tap into my own strength and source.

A book written for the facilitator who is ready to facilitate from their/her/his own strength. Who already has knowledge of all kinds of work forms and methods and knows that when you know yourself better, you can facilitate better. For the ones who wish to become a more conscious and effective facilitator. In this tiny book, I share lessons for you to facilitate groups, with reflection questions and tips.

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My style of coaching is informed and influenced by Processwork, a delightful cocktail of psychology, conflict facilitation, and organizational and social change.

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