The Challenges of Work-life Balance

Amanda Nelson, a Customer Experience professional, is in panic mode. Unexpectedly, she does not have anyone to pick up her two young children from school. She decided that she has no choice-she will take a few days off from work until new arrangements can be made.

According to a study published by the American Sociological Review, 70% of Americans struggle with finding a work-life system that works for them. Balancing a career and family is a challenge for any professional. Add motherhood to the mix and sometimes it can become overwhelming.

Public policy expert Anne-Marie Slaughter famously rose to prominence with the publication of a 2012 Atlantic Magazine article entitled, "Why women still can't have it all." Slaughter asserted that even with a supportive spouse, intense professional commitment and a willingness to live life in chapters, the deck is still stacked against any woman who wants to reach the top of her career ladder while also caring for children or aging parents.

Indra Nooyi, was Pepisco’s first female Chief Executive Officer who boosted revenue 80 percent during her tenure, felt it was difficult for her to manage both her intense personal and professional demands. Nooyi stated “I don't think women can have it all. I just don't think so. We pretend we have it all. We pretend we can have it all…and every day you have to make a decision about whether you are going to be a wife or a mother.” Upon her resignation Nooyi said there are times she wished she had prioritized family- "I've been blessed with an amazing career, but if I'm being honest, there have been moments I wish I'd spent more time with my children and family." The experiences of many female leaders suggest that personal and professional commitments continue to aggressively contest for our attention and time, to the extent that we feel that we must sacrifice one for the one.

The Four Burner Theory

One way to think about work-life balance issues is with a concept known as The Four Burners Theory. The Four Burner Theory originated from a piece written by David Sedaris in The New Yorker in 2009. Imagine that your life is represented by a stove with four burners on it. Each burner symbolizes one major quadrant of your life. In this theory, “One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.” Now imagine that there’s only a limited amount of ‘gas’ to use for each of the burners, such that not all burners could be equal. You would need to sacrifice one of the burners to make room for another burner to burn stronger. This is the premise of the Four Burners Theory which suggests that in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two. In other words, if say you wanted to become very successful at your work or career, you’d have to sacrifice a combination of either your time with friends, family or health.

There is some measure of truth to the Four Burners theory in that every major achievement in life usually require some level of sacrifice in at least one of the “burners”. It is not uncommon for persons who recall a personal major achievement, whether in academics, sports, or career who have probably sacrificed one or more of the major areas of their life.

Work is Part of Life

The Four Burners theory may seem extreme, cutting off key areas of your life, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be the case in reality. Work-life balance is really a psychological construct which we have allowed others to define for us. 

Many women struggle with work-life balance and they feel time management is the answer to their woes. However, it is more an internal struggle, within our mindset, than the skills we possess to manage our time. The term “work-life balance” suggests that there is an element of a divide, two different and distinct aspects of our lives. We cannot separate the personal and professional aspects of an individual’s life. We must recognize that work is part of life and not separate and apart from life. You have one life that includes personal and professional aspects, and these aspects have a major influence on each other.

When we try to separate work from life, we will always be frustrated and going on a guilt trip. Whether you feel guilty for leaving the office before 6:00 p.m. to attend to personal matters when there is still work to do, or guilty because you have to work until 6:00 p.m. while you family waits, there is no way out.

Sometimes we just need to focus more on work, for example when there is a project deadline approaching, and sometimes we need to just focus on home because the situation warrants it, for example, an illness, a wedding, exams, or an important family event. Ask yourself, “where do I want to devote my time? What is my priority now? Can my family wait? Can my boss wait?” Your decision will always be based on what you value more at any given time, bearing in mind the long-term consequences. The is no real balance. As humans we live fluid lives not lives with distinct and specific boxes to tick.

Defining your self-worth

By focusing too much on our work at the expense of the other aspects or “burners” of our lives, we run the risk of our work taking over our complete sense of identity and with our work becoming the only source of meaning in your life, defining our self-worth. Such an approach is not healthy in the current economic climate where many companies are down-sizing and retrenching employees. Notwithstanding the financial implications, what would be your mental state and sense of self if you were suddenly retrenched? You are much more than your job.

Strategies for success

It is critical to adjust our mindset to disregard the old concept of work-life balance and embrace the fluidity of life that includes work.

Find a real life partner

To help manage personal and professional areas of your life you should surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Don’t settle for people who regard you and your career as an afterthought. Sheryl Sandberg in her book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, stated, “When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious.”

 Build your tribe

Don’t underestimate the value of the tribe of mothers. Develop relationships with parents at your children’s schools and who live in your neighbourhood. Attend school meetings and events. You may be able to rely on them for child pickup when you’re late because of an emergency.

Keep connections with your friends you know you can count on when you need them.

 Strive for equity not equality.

Equity tells us that all things are not created equally. It means that you can prioritize what is important when it’s important. It means that you are the person making the choices about how you allocate your time.  Author Mathew Kelly, as part of the research for his book, asked 10,000 people: ‘If you had to choose between balance and satisfaction, which would you choose?’ Every single person asked chose satisfaction over balance. Define what works for you to live a satisfied and fulfilled life. It’s your life, live it on your terms.

My article was first published in the Trinidad Guardian newspapers on 29 November, 2018.

This piece was written in about two to three hours and was inspired by a call I received from a working mother expressing the dilemma of choosing between work and picking up her two young children from school. I quickly set aside my original piece and decided this topic needed more discussion.

I'll love to hear your thoughts on how you are doing.