The Challenge of Speaking Up

Childhood lessons run deep. Learning to use our manners and not make a fuss feels like hard-wiring when it comes to speaking our minds or asking for what we want.

If you grew up as a good girl, like I did, you learned to say thank you and to be obedient. Teacher’s pet? That was me. I also helped my mom with my younger sister and brother, doing chores that would make it easier at home, gave my best efforts in school so I could be worthy of the praise, “she’s a good girl.”

Early in elementary school, I’d already acquired these 7 lessons:

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1.???? Use my manners

2.???? Say thank you for whatever I’m given, no matter how I really feel

3.???? Don’t make a fuss

4.???? Don’t argue

5.???? The person in charge is right

6.???? Praise and recognition are earned by being obedient

7.???? The harder I work, the more praise and recognition I receive

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My opinions didn’t matter if they were different from my teacher, parents, or any adult.

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Naturally, I took these lessons into my adult relationships and work. There’s nothing about these seven that helped me in my marriage or my career.

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Downfalls of Speaking Up

My mother learned these lessons also. So much so that when she’d finally reached her limit and had enough, she blew up in an ugly and frightening way. She screamed and broke things. We were prepared to agree to anything, just to get our sweet, loving mother back.

Call that my eighth lesson. I could reach my limit and blow up in an ugly, frightening way, just for the luxury of speaking my mind.

?What was this not?

• A conversation.
• Healthy communication.
• Self-respect.

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Did anything ever come of these episodes? Nothing productive, and worse, I now had labels such as moody, temperamental, emotional, unpredictable.

A lot of women are labeled as aggressive or bitchy when they speak up. Maybe they are. But that’s what we’ve learned.

Speaking Up at Work

Once I realized I was self-sabotaging with my communication style, I decided to start from the beginning. I really needed practice. I set a goal for myself to say something in each meeting, whether ask a question, or to offer an opinion. I needed to pay attention, take notes, and do what I could to offer something of substance, not just to hear the sound of my own voice.

I prepared for each meeting, reviewing the agenda and looking for opportunities to contribute. It wasn’t much, but I began to get the hang of it. If there were any chances I could volunteer to assist a project, or work with someone, I took it. I began to see my contributions as valuable, as something I had to offer, not necessarily simply parroting the words of management.

In terms of meeting protocol, I was always a few minutes early and sat as close to the front as possible.

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New Lessons

I learned new lessons along the way.

1.???? I don’t need to speak up if it’s just to hear the sound of my voice.

2.???? Doing my best work is the value I bring, not just long hours.

3.???? Sometimes it’s not safe to say what I think. Those are times to evaluate the culture and company.

4.???? It’s okay to change my mind.

5.???? It’s not up to me to change other people’s minds.

6.???? Manners are always good.

7.???? Be on time, be prepared, sit close to the front.

As we unravel our social conditioning, it's okay to look for new ways to interact. Our old lessons don't serve us in most cases and we can create a new education for ourselves. That's our legacy.

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