Challenge 1: My Direct Report Gets Defensive When I Give Feedback

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When I think about feedback that drives action, I often think of the energy leaders can waste by pushing hard to prove a point or be “right.” It’s easy to get caught up in wanting someone to see the world from your perspective, and in the process, unconsciously trigger a defensive reaction. When this happens, the employee’s energy goes into defending rather than learning or being curious about their own growth. The first rule I recommend for keeping feedback productive is Connect Before Correct.

Here’s what "Connect Before Correct" looks like in practice:

ASK FOR PERMISSION FIRST

Start by checking if it’s a good time. A simple “Would it be Ok if we discuss some feedback on our recent project?” shows respect for their current mental state. If the timing isn’t right, they may not be receptive, and you’ll lose the opportunity to make an impact.

BEGIN WITH A QUESTION, NOT A MONOLOGUE

Instead of launching into a rehearsed feedback model (D.E.S.C., C.O.I.N., S.B.I. or any other), ask a question that opens the floor. “I’d love to hear your take on how the last meeting went. What was your impression?” By giving them space to share first, you reduce defensiveness and gain insight into their perspective, which you can build on.

ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PERSPECTIVE, EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE

If they share something you see differently, validate their experience before moving forward. For instance, if they felt confident in a presentation that didn’t land well, you could respond, “I see you really took time to prepare, and it’s clear you put in a lot of effort. Let’s dig into why it didn’t resonate with the audience the way we hoped.” This lets them feel heard and keeps the conversation constructive.

USE “YES, AND” LANGUAGE

Instead of saying “but,” which negates what they’ve just said, try using “Yes, and…” This subtle shift keeps the conversation flowing. For example, “Yes, you were prepared, and I wonder if the level of detail might have been overwhelming. How did you sense the room responding as you presented?”

KEEP THE FOCUS ON ACTIONS, NOT TRAITS

Feedback should be about what someone did, not who they are. Instead of saying, “You’re too detailed,” try, “The amount of detail seemed to lose some people’s attention; what’s a way we could make this more digestible next time?” This focuses on behaviors they can change without feeling judged.

PARAPHRASE TO SHOW YOU’RE LISTENING

After they speak, summarize what you heard. This could be as simple as, “So, if I understand you right, you felt the presentation was well-prepared but didn’t land as expected?” It reinforces that you’re actively engaged in the conversation, not just waiting to respond.

INVITE THEIR IDEAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

After discussing the feedback, ask them, “What adjustments do you think would help make the next presentation more engaging?” Letting them brainstorm solutions fosters ownership and commitment, and they’re more likely to act on changes they helped identify.

OFFER SUPPORT, DON’T JUST POINT OUT ISSUES

When feedback highlights a gap, offer to help close it. For example, “I can see how passionate you are about presenting detailed data. Would it be helpful to work together on finding a balance that keeps the audience engaged?” This shows you’re invested in their growth, not just in critiquing their performance.

CLOSE WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NOT CRITIQUE

Wrap up with encouragement that reinforces their strengths. “You clearly know your material inside and out, which is a huge asset. I look forward to seeing how you incorporate some of these ideas in the next presentation.” You might want to check what exactly the person wants to experiment with.

THE LEADERSHIP LANGUAGE LAB

Welcome to the Leadership Language Lab, a space dedicated to empowering leaders with practical tools for impactful communication. In this series, we'll dive into proven strategies to help you connect, inspire, and lead effectively—whether you’re managing down, influencing up, or collaborating across. From giving constructive feedback to persuading with purpose, these articles are your go-to guides for mastering essential conversations. Each installment offers tools you can use immediately to enhance your influence and foster trust in every direction. Let’s strengthen your leadership language, one powerful conversation at a time.