Ch 1: The Ear to Mouth Ratio

In April 2023, my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu teacher, career mentor, close friend, and father figure, Brian Pereira, GAICD , travelled with me to the United States. ?

Our plan was to train with the legendary 6th-degree Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Master, Roy Harris, followed by an incredible one-week "Grapplers Retreat" with Brian’s own teacher, Professor Roy Dean. ?

Over the course of our 2.5-week journey, we spent countless hours in the car, during which Brian shared many of his experiences and insights. Without a doubt, he is the kindest, most intelligent, and funniest person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. ?

Brian’s background is nothing short of remarkable. As a master martial artist with black belts in several disciplines, he has demonstrated a lifelong commitment to the martial arts. His impressive credentials include an education from Harvard and a career that spans diverse fields—from being a former Commando in the Singaporean Armed Forces to holding leadership roles as a technology executive and CEO at companies such as Fuji Xerox, HCL, and IBM. His vast wisdom and experience in every area of life have been a constant source of inspiration. ?

One of the many valuable lessons Brian taught me is the power of active listening. ?

As we drove through the redwoods toward the Grapplers Retreat compound, Brian suggested, "Let’s play a game. At the end of the retreat, we’ll each write down what we learned about the people here and see who can recall more details about each person." ?

At the end of the retreat (shoutout to Alex Aftandilians, the owner of Grapplers Retreat), Brian and I compared notes on the people we had both spoken to. He effortlessly won, recalling detailed facts about our fellow attendees—facts I couldn’t believe he had picked up. For example, he remembered that one attendee worked as a senior product manager at a tech company and had recently relocated to San Francisco for a new job. I was amazed he had retained all of that from a single conversation. When I complimented his memory, he explained that his memory wasn’t the main point. It was how he acquired the information. ?

“There’s a reason humans have one mouth and two ears," he said. "We’re supposed to listen twice as much as we speak." That analogy hit me like a lightbulb moment—simple but profound. ?

Brian continued, "Most people listen to respond, not to understand. We’re so focused on what we’re going to say next that we forget to truly hear the person in front of us. If you really listen—if you give someone your full attention—you can learn so much more." ?

He paused, letting the words sink in. "The best communicators aren’t the ones who talk the most. They're the ones who listen the most. It’s through listening that we build trust, deepen relationships, and truly connect with others." ?

This hit me hard. I recalled how many times I’d made mistakes at work, often because I hadn’t listened carefully enough. My ex-girlfriend once got upset with me for forgetting key things she’d told me, and I often felt out of sync in group conversations, missing the flow of topics. ?

Brian’s advice helped me unlock the power of active listening and its incredible benefits in all areas of life. I later supplemented his advice with further research, and one bonus takeaway was that if I can put myself in the shoes of the person talking to me—truly trying to understand their emotions from their perspective—it greatly improves my retention of what they said. This idea aligns with research suggesting that emotional experiences are more likely to be remembered than neutral ones. ?

In essence, if you make the conscious decision to understand the emotions of the person speaking to you, eliminate distractions, and focus all your attention on their words, you’ll better remember what’s said to you. This leads to more effective responses and helps create more meaningful relationships. ?

This simple yet profound shift in how we listen can be life-changing. Give it a try!