CEO, Dreading that Difficult Conversation with a High Value Employee?

I get it.? There’s a lot at stake here.

Firstly, the employee is a high-value middle manager, and you don’t want to lose her.

Secondly, although she is high value, she’s an a-hole!? She’s damaged her team members, left them feeling frustrated, worthless and thinking about leaving. Other good people have already left

Thirdly, she has now caused her supervisor, the marketing manager, to resign, because she has out debated him every time and he’s allowed himself to be headhunted to a role elsewhere.

Fourthly, it’s now left to you to have the conversation with her that everyone else has failed at.? Now your reputation is on the line, and you can’t afford to fluff this.

That’s a fair bit of pressure and you can take some? relief knowing that it is one of the biggies that CEOs hate about their role – those difficult conversations that nobody else will do.

You’ve read all the books and you’ve even done the Harvard Negotiation program.? But theory is one thing, reality is another.

I know, I’ve done those programs, even after years of working with clever narcissists and psychopaths in my previous roles in the ADF and law-enforcement covert operations.

I now specialise in dealing with difficult people ?for my clients, apart from my overarching mission to help them be the best versions of themselves.? Sometimes, my clients are the difficult people!

So, let’s not rush to solutions right now.? Instead let’s understand the dynamics and deal with some realities.

Firstly, in the workplace, difficult people don’t mean to be difficult, there’s always a reason.

Those reasons are borne of three previous unresolved causes: fears; habits and ignorance.

There may be an accumulation of them, or there may a single big cause.

Secondly, you don’t have to ‘fix’ it in one go – indeed that’s unlikely.? There’s even the possibility that it can’t be ‘fixed’.? However, you and she deserve a good shot at it.

Thirdly, you can research, prepare and rehearse before you commence the conversation.

Fourthly, it is crucial that you remain calm, centred and curious about the whole issue.? That’s your master move.? Stay calm, be centred and stay curious – in patient respectful questioning mode.

Do the whole thing in slow motion, reflecting frequently, listening, asking, pausing and acknowledging.?? That’s your modus operandi!

She (or he) is likely to be feeling pressured too and may be triggered emotionally and want to go fast – you must slow it down to remain your calmest and most adept.? No one can think at their best when triggered.

If she is triggered emotionally, you risk failing and must postpone the conversation until she is calm.? Better to help her stay calm in the first place by your own behaviour.

Your aim is to discover why she/he is behaving as she is.

You’ll begin with your invitation question ”Please will you have a coffee with me so we can sort out why we have a problem in your team, OK?”? Or something like that.

Given you are the CEO, it is unlikely that she’ll refuse.? However, if she does, then it’s a sign of high concern on her part and is a possible indicator of triggering, so you’ll need to be insistent yet reassuring: “I do need your input, it’s your team and I care about you and the team, so let’s do this. I want to help, not hurt.”

You are now sitting in a private, quiet, neutral place, not your office nor hers, and you are sitting at right angles to her, so neither are confronting the other.

You start: “OK, here’s what I’m seeing”: you now lay out the facts – not the emotional stuff just the facts e.g. your manager has left claiming he can’t deal with you.? “Three team members have resigned over the last six months and others are complaining about your manner with them.? Yet you are brilliant at what you do, and I consider you to be a valuable member of the business.? I want to understand what’s causing this issue and what can I do to help. What are your thoughts about this?”

Now you shut up and listen until she’s finished. ?Make sure she knows you are listening, because you don’t interrupt, you keep respectful eye contact and nod or exclaim acknowledgement and make sure you are being authentic.

You then ask respectful open-ended questions about what she has said e.g. “Help me understand what you meant by….”? Or “When you said …, what did you mean?”? or “So I understand you’re saying that…., is that correct?? Or, “If as you say X is occurring, what do you think is the best way to deal with it?”

All behavioural issues are borne of the three root causes: fears; habits; and ignorance concerning an event or events that have shaped those fears, habit (beliefs) and not knowing how to overcome them yet.

Your mission is to help her discover or re-discover those causes and get help to overcome them.

A potent question to ask at the right time – not in the beginning, is this one: When you behave like that (describe the offending behaviour) what’s the real cause of that for you?

There may be other external issues, such undertrained staff, however as their leader, she has responsibility for that too.

At all times you’ll be calm , attentive and caring without describing solutions, for the solutions must come from her.

It is most likely, if you remain patient, persistent, persuasive yet pleasant, that she will describe why she is like that.

When she does, that is when you can offer help, usually in the form of personal coaching first, then maybe some additional training or if it is a mental health issue, which is possible, then counselling with a mental health expert.

If you wish, contact me to help you make a success of your conversation.

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