"Celebrating Motherhood with a new Mom-to-Be: Lessons Learned Over Three Decades of Parenting"

I thought of different gifts for you as a mom-to-be and you two as parents-to-be.

I thought one of the best gifts would be to share what I learned as a parent, as my baby is turning 30 this year. I enjoyed being a mom as nothing else. These are my learnings, not yours. Take the ones you love and leave others behind. Love you canim. ("Canim" is a term of endearment in Turkish we use for those we love.)

1. There is nothing like “too much love”; all babies and children need love from their parents; there is no danger of “spoiling with too much love”. People who received a lot of love from parents are the happiest and the most confident. The first pediatrician of my son always told me to hug him a lot and take him in my arms as much as I want. I am so glad I did. There is nothing like kissing your baby and hugging them as you tap their back.
2. All parents make mistakes; there is nothing like “perfect parenting”. You need self-compassion. I owe my husband on this. I was going crazy to become a super mom. It just does not work.
3. We all have two inner programming from the day we are born. Attachment and Authenticity. We have to choose “attachment” as an infant since we cannot live without our care takers (which are mostly our parents). When our needs are not met we lose “authenticity” which is who we really are. As babies and children if we don’t have our needs met too many times, we end up losing ourselves - authenticity.? Then we spend our adult lives trying to figure out who we are. That is why it is important to meet our baby’s need as much as possible. (This is a deep topic; to learn more you can listen/read Gabor Mate- #1 child trauma expert in the world.)
4. Say “sorry” to your child so that she knows nobody, even her parents, are not perfect and can make mistakes. As long as we own it and tell we are sorry (closure), everybody will be fine after a bad day.
5. Never ever disappear without telling you are leaving. Even with babies, if you need to be away for a while, explain you will be gone for this many hours or days. If they are toddlers put stickers on a calendar for the days you are missing and tell you will be away on those days and put a big smile on the day you will be back. Explain. (I owe this to my pediatrician. I loved her idea, when I was freaking out to go on my first business trip leaving my son for a week.) Never ever leave without telling your baby or child because she will cry. You will cause big trust issues if you do that. Too many moms sneak out of the house while the dad is distracting the baby: never a good idea. Even if they cry they will know mom (or dad) never disappears without her knowledge. Otherwise she will be anxious all the time that her loved ones can disappear anytime. That is too much for a baby to carry and process.
6. Accept that you do not “own” your child. They need you the most at the beginning yet every single day they will create a little independence until they are gone from your home. (You do not have to think about that day right now since it will be very painful to even imagine just know that they come thru us yet they are a separate individual.) The best thing I ever heard so far about this is the saying” give them wings so that can also fly back when they need it.” The biggest lottery is to create that loving bond so that they willingly come back.
7. Cherish who she is. Support and nurture who she is. She does not need to be like you or act like you. Give the support system to find out who she is and what makes her happy. She is not supposed to fulfill your dreams; she is supposed to fulfill what she dreams.
8. Use your smarts. Do not say the things that will jeopardize your relationship with her. If she can tell you everything, you will be so happy. If you react too much, if you are too anxious; she won’t tell but do it anyway. You will either know where she is, what she thinks and feels or not. You choose by being a great listener in the early years. If she is not the kind to share so much, you have still done your part. May be it is her personality. Again accept who she is.
9. Especially with girls, do not raise a princess but a girl who is strong. She should know she is worthy of everything good in life. She should know she is equal with men and never needs to change herself for others. We all need to compromise in relationships but comprise is different then devaluing herself.? Tell her to put her to the top of the list. She should think about herself at least as much as others. (As a little girl, she can still like princess stories and dresses but you know what I mean!)
10. Tell her she is special in her own ways and everybody else is too. Watch and observe her gifts. When we do what we are good at, we get better and more confident. Support her strengths.
11. I never forgot a speaker say “you have 18 summers with your kid. Make the most out of it.” So true. It sounds long yet it really is not. Create many memories. Take her (almost) everywhere you go. It is a different kind of vacation or trip but you will remember them so fondly.
12. Make sure you take date nights with your hubby. You cannot forget about the relationship that brought you the baby in the first place. You need adult time. This is the best thing to share with your love; throughout your life nobody will look at your girl the way you two do.
13. If she chooses to pick up hobbies that looks dangerous to you; you still need to back her up even when your heart hurts. Go back to #7. This is her life and if something makes her very happy, she has the right to do it. Even if you worry, it is on you. Remember; we don’t own them.
14. Just because you become anxious? when she starts to drive or date, does not mean she needs to stop it. Be happy that she is doing what her age requires. You would never want your baby girl to stay at home with you for the rest of your lives. Every mom’s and dad’s hearts beat faster when they are more out of control yet this is how our lives are designed. Think about your younger years. If you limit too much, you will pay the price later.
15. If something is important to her, make it important to you too. Do not take it lightly. What you think insignificant is, does not mean it feels the same to her. Listen. Back her up. Understand. See what she needs.
16. It is very unfair that women sometimes need to choose between their careers and their babies yet when and if it comes down to it, always, always choose your baby, your child and your core family. The rewards of that cannot ever compare to any rewards you get from work even if you get to be a? famous CEO. Those are all temporary. Being a parent is for a lifetime. As you talk to people later in life ask them what is important in life, nobody ever puts work before their loved ones; there are only those who really regret they did. Know your priorities in life. Is it family or work or something else? I never ever regretted that all my decisions to this day were based on what was most important to my son and the three of us.
17. Many of us received conditional love. They loved us more when we did not cry, when we behaved, when we got good grades, when we were successful (what ever success meant to them). What if you can be unconditional with your love as much as possible? What if you love her even when she does not live up to your standards? Those who are brought up with unconditional love are the luckiest ones. May be there is no 100% unconditional love yet whenever you feel like you take away some love, give a pause; ask if this is about her or you. It is usually about us as parents since we see them as a reflection of who we are. If they fail, it will be us who failed. How do we handle their failures? When we have no idea how to do that, we put pressure on them so that we never have to face it. It is really not about them but our own ego. Catch that in you when you can, so that you do not project that fear on them. When I was scared that my son is choosing not to work hard at school, I stopped and faced my worry. Went deep down. I wanted to find out why I am so scared. I realized it was about me.? I did not know how I was going to handle myself. That was the real scare. I had to practice this many times as a parent and it was almost always about me. When you realize that, you will set her free.
18. As my friend said once when I was pregnant, that red light in your head will never fade away ever for a life time. That red light being a symbol of you thinking about your baby - no matter what age they are. From the point of finding out you are pregnant to the day you die, there will be no day that you will not be thinking of her. That red light is there to stay. Like I tell my son, motherhood is like an illness that will never go away.? A great kind of illness I will take every time.
19. Trust their intuition and decisions as they age. Sometimes it will feel like it is not a good one but may be you are wrong. She is not you. You have every right to warn her of course and tell your opinion with love and without imposing. It is very hard to watch your child get hurt yet sometimes we all need to learn our lessons the hard way. I always tell my son he made the best choice about college. If I made his decisions he would not have been as happy now. They build their confidence by making their own decisions; when they are a baby make her choose if she wants to eat and how much. My doctor used to say “that is his only choice at this stage of life; so give it to him. “ Later it might be a choice between an ice cream or a candy. Then it may be? about when to do his homework. Which girlfriend to date; which college to go. Even not going to college to pursue another dream. Give them credit to know who they are and try it out.
20. Children need love and your time more than anything you can give them. So if you do not have a lot of toys or a big nursery, there is nothing to worry about. Things you can give her are not things you can touch. Most parents regret not spending enough time with their kids and regret it too much later in life when it is already too late. Do not be one of them.
21. Nobody usually tells you raising a child is no fairy tale either. You will have many sleepless nights and feel exhausted at times. You will have moments where you are at a lost on what to do. You will even doubt yourself as a mom at times. Please know that you are never alone. Everyone goes through that and makes it to the other end. All this is so worth it. Nothing else will be worth the sacrifice as being a parent of a new life in your hands. When you see them grow up to be on their own, you will not even remember those hard moments and will tell yourself it is the best thing I have ever done. And when you have those difficult moments, you know I am here for you.
22. At first she will be almost all your life but do not make her your only life in the long run. Know what else makes you happy; live and build that life too. One day when she is gone, you will still be a happy mom doing what you love, not dependent only on your love for her. Moms whose focus becomes only to be a mom put too much pressure on their children later on since they have no idea how to fill up their lives anymore. It is very unfair when a child feels like she is the only lifeline for her mom.
23. Learn from your parents mistakes: Never ever compare your child to another one. My husband grew up with the question her mom asked each and every time after he had an exam at school “so you got this grade yet what did “he” get?? The “he” here being the smartest one in the classroom who always got the highest grades. How do you make your child feel when you constantly compare him to someone else? Awful. Yet a child does not know how to process it and takes it personal. Do not ever say “you cannot do this” to your child; although sometimes it works in her favor and the child wants to prove herself so much that she becomes the most driven one. Yet it is still a bad feeling for any child to hear this from her parents. My mom always thought I spent too much time with friends and will never get into the college I want during my high school senior year. Yet I did. My first choice. Because I was not stressed out about the exam at all having fun with my friends . I studied in coffee shops just the right amount too while she believed nobody can learn anything except behind closed doors in silence at home. I do not hold grudges towards my mom at all; I know she had good intentions but I rather have her believe in me. Most of my generation, Gen X, around me are driven, which is great that made us “successful” in life. Yet what does success mean to you or what would it mean to your child? We are driven because of conditional love, comparison, and our parents making us feel like “we are not good enough” unless we fulfilled their expectations. When you give unconditional love, children do not have to jump through the hoops to make you smile and be happy, they will be busy finding out who they really are. The ultimate fulfillment comes from living who you really are. Wouldn’t you want to give this special gift to her?

I know all this might feel like overwhelming and too much to think about. Yet it is not. Trusting your intuition, doing your best, loving that baby are the most important pieces of the puzzle.

I am sure one day you will come up with your own list of things you learned and pass it on to a new mom-to-be.

I feel lucky to live at these times where we know more about human beings and our inner world, thanks to science.

I made several mistakes raising my child and learned on the go, so go back to #2 above when you start doubting yourself. You will be a wonderful mom. I am so excited to know you will live this miracle and cannot wait to see you holding your precious one in your arms falling in love with her every single day.

I know you will be surprised to see how much love you will feel for your little one. It is incredible and it is beautiful. Enjoy it darling sister ??. She is lucky to have amazing parents like you two.

Love you,

Big Sister Ozlem