Celebrating Mom and the Lessons She Shared

I’m proud to admit that I’m a Momma’s boy. This Sunday, we celebrate those people in our lives whom we call Mom. They nurture us, care for us, encourage us, feign interest, manufacture enthusiasm, give us a swift kick in the butt, or dust off our knees when we fall. You’ll notice I didn’t exclusively call out “brought us into this world.” That’s because while for sure, some Mom’s have done that, it’s not lost on me that “Mom” come in all types.??

My Mom is, in one word, marvelous. I should provide you with some brief context - I’m the middle of five boys. There are just under seven years between the top and the bottom, so all of us are pretty close in age. That also means my Mom was dealing with diapers for a solid decade! On top of that, Dad was a career Marine, which means he was gone - a lot. The two of them did the calculations one day, and for the first 18 years, my Dad was home for only about 3 of those years collectively. Among other fantastic qualities, my Mom has a fantastic sense of humor.?

These are just a few of the powerful lessons she instilled in me over the years that have served me professionally and personally.??

“Kill ‘em with Kindness.”

My mom would say this all the time growing up. I was a small kid, which made me an easy target for the inevitable bully. I remember the first time I heard it. I was in the third grade. I got a good roughing up on the way home, and while Mom was washing the scrapes and bruises, she said, “Daniel.” I was “Daniel” when it was important, or I was in trouble. “Daniel, there will always be people in the world who are angry, scared, stupid, or just having a bad day. They’re going to do bad things, say mean things, and sometimes, you won’t be able to fight back. In those cases, kill ‘em with kindness.” I thought she was IN-SANE! “Kindness? You’re crazy, Mom! You don’t understand!” I thought.?

I realized in short order that, “kindness” was a powerful weapon I could put into my arsenal and it has served me in several ways to this day. I’ve witnessed kindness remove the power that people believed they have over me. Kindness has the ability to disarm those closed off to open communication. Kindness can get you the last seat on a plane home when your flight got canceled. Kindness can take the sting out of that feedback you didn’t want to hear. Kindness can also help you acquire powerful allies who will aid you in your moment of need when those with bad intentions put a target on your back.?

In the case of my tormentors, over the next few days I realized the big one was having a real hard time with math. Math came easy to me, so I mustered up the courage to wander over and ask if he wanted some help. After the usual blustering and bravado he caved and let me help. He got better at Math and we ended up friends for our time together on base.?

“Do Your Best”

I used to be a sore loser, and I was worse at getting it wrong. I mean, one time, my Dad had to carry me off the soccer field kicking and screaming because we’d lost a game. It wasn’t very healthy, I admit. I’ve gotten better, but that’s not the point. My Mom would ask me in these moments of pure distress, “Did you do your best?” I would think, “my best wasn’t good enough,” “I’ll never get it right,” and ”why am I even trying?”?

“Do your best” came from her father, a Scoutmaster for over 40 years. It meant that you bring your best effort to every challenge, and win or lose, you can be satisfied that you did all you could. The mindset opened me up to exploring new challenges and removed a lot of fear of new endeavors. When I’m honest with myself, I know whether or not I gave it my best. I also know that if my best wasn’t enough, it’s an opportunity for me to learn something new and improve.

In some cases, the mindset helped me discover that perhaps, this endeavor is NOT for me. That was the case during my Sophomore year in College. I was taking Object-Oriented Programming as part of my Computer Science degree. I’d been working all semester on our program, and the night before it was due, I was still getting 13,456 errors. My two classmates had programs that were not only “error-free” but also incorporated the new “graphical user interfaces” and “HTML.” At this moment, I did the computing world a favor and changed my major to Communications.??

“Time Heals All Wounds”

As a parent now, I’m familiar with the helplessness accompanying seeing your children going through heartache. The broken heart, the broken friendship, or the untimely death of a classmate are just a few examples. Those life experiences seem “world ending” at the moment. As we get older, the breadth, depth, and complexity of these moments expand, but I’ve found the statement to remain valid. Time does heal all wounds.?

I used to get this confused with forgetting; it’s not forgetting. These moments, especially the intense ones, will likely leave an indelible mark, but the intensity will fade. As that intensity fades, there emerges room for perspective and reflection. That perspective and reflection are key to the growth process, and it only comes with time.?

What I’ve found is there are very few people going through the world intentionally trying to make everyone’s life around them miserable. The hard-to-digest truth is everyone, especially at this point in life, has their world of challenges. So now, I’ve become a bit of a time traveler. I try to fast-forward the timeline in my brain to the part where I can get that perspective and reflection. It’s not easy being a time traveler. I occasionally get sucked back into the moment. I’ve found, that it’s getting a lot easier with practice.

Last Lesson, “Perspective is Everything”

There’s a Movie (and book) I enjoy, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and in it, the crew is searching for the most powerful weapon in the Universe. It turns out to be a gun that when fired instantly makes the person you’re shooting at understand your perspective. One of my favorite quotes from Daniel Kahneman in his book, ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ is, “What you see, is all there is.” In learning, the first stage of consciousness (or awareness as I like to put it) is Unconsciously Incompetent, one does not know what they don’t know. Human-Centered design leans heavily on “reframing” problems to widen the field of potential solutions. Daniel Pink, in his book, ‘To Sell is Human’ talks about Perspective-Taking as a powerful tool for moving people to action. I mention these examples because four decades later it seems like everywhere I look, perspective really is everything!

Perspective might actually be the most powerful force in the Universe.???

When I get perspective from my daily problems. I realize I’m not the first, last, or only person to have such challenges. I also realize that my issues and those of my family definitely fall into the “first world problems” category. It doesn’t make the challenge go away, but it does remove the fear.??

While navigating through life. I have to interact with all manner of other humans to successfully reach personal and professional goals. I’ve found taking a beat to envision their perspective on the moment, the interaction, the situation, and the challenge equips me with a means to connect at a deeper level and improve the interaction.?

When working with teams to solve really complex problems, hearing the diversity of perspectives and getting their input results in a more sustainable and successful solution.?

If I could live to 200 years old, I wouldn’t be surprised if my 200-year-old self giggled at how wise I thought I was at 50.?

Perspective seeking is one of the most powerful tools I have for myself, my loved ones, and my professional partners. Perspective IS everything.?

So, thank you, Mom. Thanks for being my Mom. Thanks for all the lessons you’ve given and continue to share. Thanks to all the Moms, in whatever form you may come. I hope you’ve found this information useful, if you have, pass it along. Please share in the comments some of the lessons your “Mom” has taught you.?

And if you didn’t know, Sunday is Mother’s Day (in the U.S. of A.) So be sure to call your Mother, and if you are not in the US - call your Mom anyway.