A Cavity, Domestic Violence, and the Unexpected Path to Healing

I haven't been to the dentist in far longer than I'd like to admit. This isn't a source of amusement, but rather a truth that weighs heavily on me. I am a capable woman with children who depend on me for their health and well-being. While I've always ensured their preventative dental care, I consistently neglected my own.

Though I could explore the reasons behind this neglect, I'd rather focus on how it connects to the work we do on the Hope Team. Domestic violence transcends families, socioeconomic backgrounds, and time. It's rarely an isolated incident; rather, it's a horrific pattern of repeated violence. A critical yet commonly held misconception is that it's confined to low-income or uneducated families. Like many others, I mistakenly believed it wasn't something I needed to worry about.

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My Experience

My last dentist was my friend. We met when I was working in childcare and would watch her children regularly. Our friendship blossomed over the years as she cared for my teeth and I for her children. While I had always feared losing my teeth, I was never afraid of the dentist. Having her for so many years solidified my love (yes, I said love) for taking care of my oral health.

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Then, her life was tragically taken by her ex-husband in a homicide/suicide – in front of her children. This was my first real-life exposure to domestic violence. Unbeknownst to me, I held the same misconceptions as many others – that it only happened to low-income, uneducated families. It wasn't something I thought could touch my life.

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But then, my friend and dentist was gone.

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She'd never shared about her home life. I had no idea. My heart broke for her and her children.

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In short, the impact this had on me was profound. For years, I couldn't hear or read her name without breaking down in sobs.

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The Challenge

So, why didn’t I just get a new dentist?

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It took time to build up the courage because I didn’t want to cry in front of a stranger. I didn’t want to explain my grief. When I finally worked up the nerve to try someone new, their response was, “Well, it’s been a while, huh? Looks like you caused yourself a cavity.”

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Even writing this, I want to justify why their words impacted me so much. But the truth is, I was shamed for not showing up. Instead of feeling encouraged to return, I allowed even more time to pass. Now, on top of the initial trauma of losing my friend violently, I also carried the fear of being judged for not going to the dentist.

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Lessons in Trauma-Informed Care

This highlights the importance of trauma-informed care and advocacy, not just for advocates but for everyone. I wasn't the victim-survivor, yet I was still retraumatized by the dentist's insensitivity.

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Could I have taken it differently? Maybe. Was I in the state of mind to do so? Not yet. Would today be different? Absolutely. Do I need to schedule a dental visit? Desperately, yes.

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We can be better in how we interact with others because you never know what someone is going through.

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Here are 7 ways you can practice trauma-informed communication:

1.? Recognize and Understand Trauma:? Acknowledge that trauma is widespread. Its impact can be far-reaching and long-lasting, impacting how a person sees the world and interacts with others.

2. Prioritize Safety and Trustworthiness:? Create spaces (both physical and emotional) where people feel safe. Be transparent about your actions, set clear expectations, and maintain consistent boundaries.

3. Emphasize Choice and Empowerment:? Shift the power dynamic away from the "helper" and toward the individual. Allow people to make decisions about their care, respect their choices, and acknowledge their strengths.

4. Promote Collaboration and Mutuality: Partner with the individual in decision-making and care planning. View the relationship as one of mutuality rather than? authority.

5. Embrace Cultural Humility: Acknowledge and respect the person's cultural background, identity, and experiences. Recognize that trauma may manifest differently across cultures, and avoid imposing your own values or assumptions.

6. Practice Active Listening and Validation:? Listen with empathy and without judgment. Validate the person's experiences, emotions, and perspectives,? even if you don't personally understand them.

7.? Focus on Strengths and Resilience:? Avoid focusing solely on deficits or problems.? Instead, recognize and build upon the person's inherent strengths and ability to heal and grow.

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My journey, spurred by the tragic loss of my friend, has been one of healing and understanding. It's highlighted how trauma-informed care must extend beyond specialized services into our everyday interactions. By sharing my experience, I hope to raise awareness and inspire others to approach the world with a little more empathy and a lot less judgment.

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Want to learn more about being an advocate for change? Contact the Hope Team at [email protected].