The cave

In recent times, I have experienced this feeling of not knowing what I want. Not in terms of major life decisions but just from everyday life -I feel disconnected from myself sometimes. I recognized this feeling of imbalance, this feeling of being very distant from myself.

Why?

Maybe because I am so out of touch. I have not been listening to myself and have been paying attention to others for so long now that I have lost my ability to hear myself.

Imagine a very very deep cave and from the depths of the cave my voice is trying to tell me what I want. I am on the other side repeatedly saying what? what? what?? This is my experience of listening to my body. So I end up making guesses. Perhaps I want this because everyone seems to want it. Or maybe I want this because it is the most responsible thing to do.

But of late something has shifted. I have started moving inwards. There is a lot of fear to walk inside that deep dark cave because as I go inside I may be able to hear what I want and what I feel and I have been terrified of knowing what I will end up hearing..I faced that fear and started walking into the deep cave..There was darkness all over. There was lack of familiarity. There was silence for so long before I could actually hear something. With a pounding heart and a sweaty palm I take my steps closer to the voice. And slowly very feebly I hear something. I want rest. I want care. I want calm.

For a second I am confused. What? This is so basic!! I was expecting some unattainable maybe inappropriate wants or something like that...or something so big that I won’t be able to afford the want.. but repeatedly I just heard one thing..I want sleep..I want rest..I want to calm down..

Perhaps, it was my nervous system talking. I have kept it activated for far too long now. Pretending like I am in danger all the time. I felt so guilty. For what I have done to myself, to my body. I imagined the nervous system as a human being. I have abused this system for far too long and I cannot do it anymore. It is a wakeup call for me to choose wisely. To choose the kind of work I do, to choose the people I allow into my life, to choose the activities that I pursue, to choose the way I structure my time, to choose the kind of rest that I need.

There are so many types of rest-For example-physical rest, mental rest, emotional rest, spiritual rest, sensory rest, creative rest & social rest,

I am going to teach myself how to rest. One small step at a time.

Now that I have identified what my need is. Now that I have listened to my body, there is no cave anymore. There is no ambiguity anymore. No darkness anymore. Only clarity. I can hear myself loud and clear.