Cats Out Of The Bag Series #5: How I Betrayed My Passion For A Coach Bag (a.k.a What Happened After Year 5 of Legal Practice?)
This is by far the hardest article for me to write. It is personal and a hard truth about the reality of transitioning into a different industry other than legal practice. So like any other rookies in the legal practice, I thought I found myself settling in my sunset career circa 2015 after almost a year of pupillage. I told myself "NO MORE CHANGING JOBS!" because I thought once you find a passion, you never need to work a day in your life. But everything changes once I hit Year 5 of my practice and here is why.
Firstly to understand the deep conundrum of the GRAND TRANSITION is to hear my little sappy background story on how it took me a rather long time to get my name on the Rolls (not bread) and that was mainly because my entire journey leading up to my call date as an Advocate & Solicitor of the High Court of Malaya is one Ops Rentas (a common term used by the police for roadblock operations in Malaysia) to another.
Like any M40 borderline B40-ish family; my parents could only afford to put one child in college at a time. I was the dream child that was supposed to get into Science Stream due to some promising results in school and get into a local Uni and perhaps a scholarship at a later date. But I threw it all out and fought for my choice to continue my tertiary in Law which is not in line with my A-Levels stream.
However, my younger sister was just about age to enter college for diploma and she was set to do a full-time diploma in Sports Science. Naturally as the eldest, my pride made the obvious choice; which was to do my law part-time in a college, B* while working all sorts of jobs to pay for law school. With a little help from a government who provided me with a small study loan, I was able to get through law school + certificate of legal practice with not much hiccups... Until I saw the frightful figures that is my bank loan. Schucks*
I was shooketh. At 25, I was massively indebt and no matter how many jobs I transition to get a better pay; my head was just slightly above the waters. Dinner parties with friends were the hardest. I told myself that I was in no position to proceed to join the legal fraternity and to start all over again. I needed to have some savings. So I delayed joining the Bar until 2014. Even with that much time, it didn't solve my financial woes.
Between the years that I wasted in my delay; I found myself at re:zero when I took up pupillage and I had to pay most of my expenses out of my savings. But the hardest time was over, I verily told myself. "After pupillage it will be better" is how I consoled myself to bed every night. But you guess it, it did not. Well it got better over time; but it is because I ensure I did part time jobs to help myself and offering myself for more work trips. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I didn't like start-over because it would mean watching the same scene in a movie which you wish the director would cut out. Toppled with my increasing anxiety due to work while battling with my inner demons; I began lose the rose tinted glasses and wonder if I was doing it all wrong, because at 30, I was STILL struggling.
Then I had to witness my friends who completed their studies full time and they are progressing well in life. New car/toys/gadgets, being able to buy/do things that they loved and going on holidays without much care. While I on the other hand was a work-macho with nothing to show for. Doubts of my uncertain future kept me awake most nights. "You wanted this right? You wanted this glamour life of a lawyer? Now bask in it, you broke ass-b***." I chastise my innerself worth.
Not long in my Year 3, I found myself in my law firm where I finally found my centre, my mojo; in Employment law and industrial relations matters. The robust business model of the firm and my You-Go-Be-You type of boss; gave me the ultimate freedom to progress in the way I never thought I could. I was loving it. I finally took time to read, learn and love the law. I was given ample opportunities to approach our clients and provide them advice without ADULT SUPERVISION (imagine that, Year 3 and kicking it!!). I adored the trust level they have in me. I was not planning to let my firm or myself down and therefore I always give my best. This is "The Good Place." - I told to myself. Nothing could take me away from this Good Place (Or so I thought)
I was wrong. Again. As Usual!
Year 5 came by and suddenly I have a client who was looking for someone to fill a quasi Legal-IR-HR position and made an offer to me. It was a 120% increment from my then current pay. At the point the offer was made, all I could see was that nice red convertible MX-5 at the window of that showroom I purposely drive by every now and then. Iloved that red shinny although I pride myself for owning a Myvi. I also remembered the upcoming house loan I will be paying for and maybe I could tell my dad that he could finally retire and take mum on a holiday. AND Maybe, just maybe, for once, I can get myself that nice Coach bag I always wanted to treat myself.
Nothing in me showed a bit of care that I was about to leave my... what do you called it? Oh... passion. (Disney fan)
But I quickly snapped out of it as the feeling like "I have cheated on my partner" crept into my conscience. "Oh the betrayal!" said my Practising Certificate (pc). (I imagined my pc is as dramatic as me in my head)
I know for a fact that it was not where I wanted to be. Not in Corporate, no. Not my career plan. But damn the $ sign was tempting. The financial freedom I always wanted was just right there. "Should I take it?" was the question I asked myself 1000x over that day.
I spoke to my immediate boss about leaving, he didn't stop me but he did gave me a few things to think about; asking me to consider all options and where I see myself in 5 years. The term is decisional balance. These were the few tips he told me to do before making the decision:
Initially I laughed at the method proposed. But as the day grew darker and my thoughts are fumbled, I begged myself to give this a try before I go mad with indecisiveness.
It was indeed much clearer to me once I penned down all my challenges. I further spoke to my boss after I listed my issues relating to all the above and my intentions to move on but I have no heart to leave law behind.
My boss was kind to give me an option to transition to the consulting firm. It was leaving practice ultimately but I was still doing advisory and in the field I am good at which is employment law. He makes sure I was slightly more comfortable with a new salary. Not a 120% increase but enough to improve a lifestyle. I owed him that much thanks for that middle ground and that I will not be too far from what I love to do.
You may think the method was simple and my decision was financially driven. But my pro did outweighed my cons, literally. I simply found my answers on that sheet and it was the easiest way to lift that burden of considerations. How many of us dare to put down our darkest thoughts and clear our doubts off a piece paper? How many are willing to own up the dark side of their mind and cleanse their heads of the dilemma even though the outcome is not something they wish to happen?
So, the decision was obvious, I have a passion but I was a pauper in my reality. My dreams did not pay bills the way I wished it did. Neither it could give me the lifestyle that I have yearned for so-so long. Do I still wish to go back to practice? Yes, I will always want to. But for now, all I can do is to hang up my robe and make the best out of the decision I have made. I often catch myself in chagrin-thinking "At least your regrets are fashionable and it goes well with that Coach bag of yours. Aha."
P/S: This is a personal article by the author and she did not mean to sound like a suffermore. Some stories maybe hard to relate and it is okay. But the author speaks only from her experience. If there is one thing she could do over, is that she should have gone for Tods instead of Coach.