A CASE FOR YIELDING

(For all of those readers who asked.)

Recently, I was sitting in an aisle seat at a sold-out screening for a film (no, it wasn’t the marvelous Challengers ).? A trio of friends approached the row and politely asked if they could squeeze into the row, just as the lights were going down; without a blink, I bluntly stated: “Well, I’m not moving seats!”? Instead I moved myself to the aisle and allowed the three to meekly file past into the last open seats in the theater.? Quickly I realized two things - 1.? I behaved very rudely to these nice people; 2. We would now be sitting together with my bad energy for the duration of the movie (I assumed we wouldn’t be sharing popcorn).? All because I didn’t take the moment to yield to the situation.? ?

Walking around the city remains a fascinating opportunity to observe humanity in all of its highs and lows as well as an opportunity to take a temperature check as to how we are all doing out here together.? When one is asked “How are you?”, it is almost always met with a pat “Never better!” or the quick deflection of “No, how are you?”.? How we behave when we think no one is watching remains perhaps the clearest indicator of how we really truly are.? And what I’ve noticed more and more, walking the streets and observing, is that everyone everywhere has forgotten how to yield.? Starting, obviously, with me.

Back in driver’s education classes, we were drilled on the importance of yielding while on the road.? A yellow traffic light means that the driver should slow down and prepare for the inevitable full-stop red.? Instead, drivers speed up and push into the crosswalk or even the middle of the street to make it through the light.? These decisions block ongoing traffic, resulting in honked horns, pinched faces, and treacherous pedestrian crossing.? Who cares?? The SUV made it through the light at the expense of everyone else - even if the driver now is blocked by another car driving the other way who had that same impulse.

These UN-yielding impulses have also reached the sidewalks.? Pedestrians are certain they should go first when crossing paths with others - and they use their phones, their headphones, their strollers, and even their friends to avoid facing any ramifications from this behavior.? I’ve observed people trying to confront each other, only to have the offending person walk obliviously by - even once watching a yogi whack someone they were passing on the street with their rolled up yoga mat, with no notice or apology.? Namaste indeed.

If this sounds like a cranky diatribe, it’s certainly not intended to be.

But we have lost some of our humanity in the forgetting how to yield.? The concept of “No, you go first” is just completely disappearing.? And some of it is most certainly gendered; I’ve observed cis-gendered pairs walking together and the man will almost always push ahead of whoever they are crossing on the street - even if it means abandoning their female companion, who tends to yield.? This almost always happens, however, when people are walking together.? But when they are alone, all bets are off.? The sidewalk, like the streets themselves, has become a battlefield field for human indifference.

We live in ugly, cruel times and distancing one’s self from the daily indignities of that reality makes sense to me - but not at the expense of recognizing the simple existence of each other.? We should re-embrace the yield with the fervor and passion of a Pearl Jam song.

Here are some first steps to consider:

Take Out the Ear Buds & Take Off the Sunglasses.

Yes, that new Dua Lipa record slaps.? And sure - those Ray Bans make your vaping all the more sophisticated.? But tuning out the distractions and fully engaging with the world is the first step in learning the art of the yield.? Hearing the sounds of the city and of nature unencumbered by special effects and playlists expands our powers of observation and engagement with each other.? Eye contact is an exchange of energy and can fill us up with positivity - rather than dread and depletion.

Divide the “I” Sentences in Half

Recently, a group of friends conducted an experiment together - we spent a full day counting out how many times we each started a sentence with “I” and also how many times WE were the main subject of the sentences that came out of our mouths in conversation.? It was quite surprising how many it wound up being.? Collectively, we challenged each other to divide that number in half on a subsequent day of conversations.? And it was remarkable how much more closely we paid attention to those around us, and how much more we learned about each other in the process - rather than focusing on what WE needed to communicate out to whoever would listen to US.

Slow Down & Offer Assistance

Humans possess a genuine impulse to help each other.? But our internal narratives reinforce the idea that we are too behind, too late for the next obligation, and just plain too busy to stop and give directions, help someone with their baggage, or simply to slow down and allow another person to pass through the door first.? And so we push ahead and ignore the needs of others around us.? But we should respect and honor that impulse.? Again, the positive energy that generates from engagement is infectious.? One never feels worse when being of assistance to someone who needs it.

In a now famous commencement speech , writer and professor George Saunders said “There’s a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there’s also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf — seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.”

Yielding is one such medicine.? Yielding acknowledges the Other.? Yielding recognizes the Other’s importance.? Yielding is a positive contribution.? Yielding expands our point of view.? Yielding can lead to inner peace.? Yielding feels good.

As the lights went up at the end of the film and we all applauded, the member of the trio sitting next to me twisted over to ask: “What did you think?”? She was kindly including the solo patron next to her in their conversation about the film (which certainly merited discussion) as we walked out of the theater together.

I made a point to hold the door for them as we left.