The Case of the Disappearing Dandelions* – A Musical Mystery
Michael McCurdy, 2019

The Case of the Disappearing Dandelions* – A Musical Mystery

"OMG!! That's a brilliant piece! It had me LMAO with tears. The mix of your intelligence and wit yields a cerebral reading which I first found novel before I caught on to the depth of thought." - Keith Shimizu

(Run Times: Reading ~ 5 min / Musical ~132 min)

Port Townsend Police Department –?June 19, 2020 16:19

Officers would like to speak to a "short" woman being walked by a trio of "cute" puppy dogs down Holcomb Street when a homeowner casually remarked, “I have the most dandelions on the block.” Shortly thereafter (name redacted)’s dandelions, all the dandelions and only the dandelions in the lawn and garden, mysteriously went missing sometime between 14:00-16:00. With witness identification completely precarious, no better approximate physical description is available. Recommend posting before and after crime scene photos to social media sites and releasing standard PR. Investigate mischief swiftly.?– NW, JR and RR?

Locals’ Top Ten Theories

1. Local Star Wars Imperial Guards collected dandelions for exploding flower bombs to, “Shower the people you love with love,” à la James Taylor.

2. Leo intends to work golden dandelions into a postmodern collage of his new Vitruvian Hu(Man).?

3. Gnome Grimble Crumble stole the enchanted flaxen blooms. He’ll blast these charms from better homes and gardens across the county as singing signals for all gnomes to bring their musical instruments to Fort Worden for a Danse Macabre themed celebration hosted by the Kronos Gnome Quartet.?

4. Girl Scouts “borrowed” the flowers to make their ingenious fashion accessory, a COVID-19 mask and Hawaiian headdress/lei combo, to be sold in lieu of their traditional Thin Mints. They’re $18.65 apiece. (Inflation – sign of the times)?

5. Queen and Adam Lambert plan to toss the blessed blossoms at the feet of Freddie Mercury’s reincarnated soul during a special Venetian Masquerade Parade in baby Fredericka’s honor. As a child of light, it is believed she will usher in the new-age of peaceful rock 'n roll dominion.?

6. Always the perfectionist, Gustav Klimt decided to replace all the gold leaf in his painting The Kiss with Holcomb Honeygold Happiness dandelion petals (also the secret ingredient in Ray's line of fine wines). Gustav hopped into his homeboy Herbert’s time machine and traveled to the future – Again! (Explains a lot) It’s bizarre but evidently this secretly cultivated strain only grows right here, right now.?

7. The dandelions (Taraxacum officinale) were inspired by the iconic Vietnam War “Flower Power” photograph taken by Bernie Boston during the 1967 March on the Pentagon that shows a protester placing a carnation (Dianthus caryophyllus) into the barrel of a rifle held by a soldier. The dandelions are blowin' in the wind on their way to Washington, DC to offer similar assistance.?

8. The Russians – Oops, correction. “The Daisies Are Coming, The Daisies Are Coming!” Please don’t eat the babies. Sorry, please don't eat the Russians. Please don’t eat Russian daisies. Just say daisies? Alrighty then, “Please Don't Eat the Daisies.” Wait, this is nonsensical. What’s the big deal with the babies again??

9. Reunited ('cause it feels so good), the band Threatening Strangers in the Bathroom trampled them in a musical frenzy triggered while playing their 1989 Grammy winning Public Service Announcement & smash hit sensation “Gosh I’m Really Depressed”. Feeling guilty, these too cool to fool cats cleaned up their litter and tossed all the wilting buds into a random compost bin. Unfortunately, their clothing went missing in the process. If you find dandelions, dirty jeans & t-shirts adulterating your spoiled greens, potatoes and tomatoes, well now you know why.?

10. Orpheus stopped by the local DIY Petite Porch Performances, allegedly to audition for their special COVID-19 “Independence Day 20/20” social distancing July 4th concert, but it was only a layover. He actually was traveling to Hades. He had every intention of giving Eurydice a golden dandelion bouquet in his fervent hope to lure her out of the underworld and back onto the stage of life. But while turning to hear his Eury sing “I Will Survive” the ol’ man tripped and tumbled into the deep River Lethe and…?

Or nothing happened. It was merely a collective dandy(lion) delusion.?

Perhaps it was simply a random well-intended act of kindness, a kind of kindness that is spreading around neighborhoods worldwide as quickly as, well as quickly as weeds spread. Caring, it's a good thing.

August 30, 2020 12:21

Anonymous tip called in from some badass dude in The Netherlands. The neighbors on Nextdoor were wrong; it couldn’t have been the fawn. He explained the whole thing in one word. Mystery solved, case closed. (Have Eric call the other Eric: 202-514-3847. Re: removal of pesky phone virus F7*b@#81!)

?*For Elijah Jovan McClain, violinist

This story was posted on August 28th to coincide with the 67th anniversary of the March on Washington. Elijah Jovan McClain was killed by police in Aurora, CO on August 27, 2019. To date there have been no charges.

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