CA(SA) - BEWARE: Your Career Growth Could Have Some Unexpected Consequences

The one thing that I have learnt is the uncomfortable fact that I have the propensity to envy other peoples' successes. It's not a part of myself that I particularly like - I keep it as hidden as I possibly can. But, it's part of me nevertheless.

It is, however not all negative. In fact, it has given me a deeper insight into the relationship dynamic. Moreover, my personal growth has evoked this exact sentiment in others. This insight has been an epiphany!

In my life, I've had friends that seem to come and go. This worried me a lot as others seem to have friends that they had known all their lives. Why was this so different for me? I did notice that, from time to time, groups of friends seemed to have magically disappeared and new ones arrived. And I particularly enjoyed that! To me, it was about expanding my experiences. In any case, I'm more inclined to comfortable in smaller crowds - my circle of friends never went beyond one or two with another three-to-four on the periphery.

And then I discovered what was going on. It is a dynamic that is so normal and logical I'm surprised that I missed it: When a person experiences growth, they are likely to cause some discomfort to those around them. This is simply because it throws the balance out. In each relationship, there is a levelling of the waters - a balance. When one person starts moving upwards, the other person cannot do the same. This could (and usually does) create anxiety and pain for that person as it causes them to look at themselves and their inability to do the same. In order to retain the balance, they will try to drag you back to where they feel comfortable once again. In other words, they will try to bring you down. If you do not respond to their manipulation, they will become winy and irritating. If you fail to respond, they will disconnect from you entirely - it is just too painful for them to see your growth to their exclusion.

If you are unaware of this dynamic, you could find yourself in the following situations:

• With friends: You will be seduced into giving up on your growth to accommodate their feelings of insecurity. Guilt is the obvious mechanism that will be used against you. If you refuse to respond to that manipulation, expect that person to be offish and aggressive. This is where it gets interesting because if you are unaware of this construct, you will feel hurt or even insecure, questioning your own motivations. The result is you give up on your growth and remain resentfully stuck!
• The boss: Usually the boss will appreciate your willingness to grow and change. But, if they have strong narcissistic tendencies, they could find the 'new you' just a bit too overpowering. This could result in them trying to restore balance by minimising and disempowering you. Usually, this looks like them not greeting you, not returning your messages or ignoring your emails. Although this is not usually the case, watch out for this!
• Your spouse: This is the most important one of all and unfortunately the most common. When you are growing in your career and your spouse is a stay-at-home parent the relationship balance goes haywire. Expect them to start feeling insecure. This will manifest in continuous bickering and conflict. You will accused of ignoring your parental responsibilities and maybe even false accusations of infidelity!! Furthermore, they will make you feel guilty about not spending enough time with the children and being selfish and unfeeling. If not rectified, these tensions begin to grow and grow until eventually, you become so sick of all the arguing that you leave home. This is too often the case and it sad as all that is going on is that your spouse is desperately crying out for you to take them along and not leave them behind.

Having this sensitivity and insight will allow the freedom of guilt-free growth and also nurture the relationships that are important to you. Your spouse in particular.

Usually, when I see a dramatic transformation in my clients, I always ask them if they are including their spouse in their growth journey. Often, to my surprise, they latch onto what I'm saying and undertake to start sharing what is going on in the sessions with their other half! All in all, this also gave me clarity about my situation and why I had no lifelong friends. The part that I missed was that as I progressed I gained new friends who were at the higher level that I had moved to. It was like shedding a skin, and although it was often painful, I have now realised that it is just the old being replaced by the new.

*************************************************CLIVE KAPLAN is a top-rated and internationally renowned Executive Leadership Coach. Having spent 25 torturous years clawing his way up the corporate ladder, Clive has taken his arduous journey and turned into a punchy executive leadership program, giving emerging executives great insights into playing the executive game to dramatically change their careers and wealth-creating opportunities. Clive is the CEO of The Green Mind Capital Group