Carter's Christmas Sandwich Review

Christmas Sandwich Review 2024

You can forget how a sandwich tasted but you can never forget how a sandwich made you feel. Welcome to my Christmas Sandwich Review for 2024. I visited a selection of shops and eateries but don’t waah if your chain is not on my list.

Amazon

Everyone marvels at the Amazon Fresh Just Walk Out Technology which automatically tracks what items you want to buy. I find it more impressive than the food selection and their delivery drivers could learn a thing or two from Father Christmas about ordering and delivering stock. The hot turkey sandwich looked like it had gone ten rounds with the convicted rapist Mike Tyson. I therefore opted for Pigs Under Blankets on Malted Bread with maple smoked bacon, tangy cranberry and onion mayo. I was unsure about eating it on a train as it felt unclean. But there was an hysterical woman on the next carriage. The onboard supervisor commentating on her abuse towards him made it imperative that I looked too busy eating in case she tried to talk to me. I was chomping away as everyone looked out the window to see the woman jumping up and down on the platform.

Pret

It was Sunday, I was going for a long run with a Pret Boxing Day Toastie as my reward. My Garmin watch was telling me lies, claiming I had run mile 12 in just over five minutes and mile 13 even faster. I wish! Maybe Elon Musk had leaned against his joystick to disrupt the global positioning system of the satellites tracking my run. Running by feel to break free from the control of my watch sounds like an organic, holistic delight. But does it also sound like a tabloid headline for a Gregg Wallace charity run?

I struggled to remember how to use my Monzo phone app to pay for the sandwich and the lovely ginger beer. The cashier congratulated me for tapping the card reader with my phone. The sandwich was yum but the ginger beer was better. Unfortunately my water bladder backpack leaked on my wife’s leather handbag and stained it. An expensive lunch and I didn’t know how many miles I had run.

Greggs

I would rather eat the sawdust off a butcher’s floor than the Greggs pizza slice which is hyperpalatable processed food. But you have to eat something at lunch. The Greggs hot baguettes are nice especially the Christmas Lunch Baguette. I was impressed by the cheerful nature of the team member serving me. I wish more business books featured people like him rather than highly paid experts. Anyway, I was eating this baguette in my new office with potato wedges. The sage and onion flavoured chicken breast, bacon, onion gravy, cranberry and onion relish with melted cheese reminded me of Christmas dinner. But then I had to work out how to dispose of the packaging, napkins and bag in the compartmentalised bin. Is it dry recycling if it’s stained with relish?

Marks & Spencer 1

I like to get fresh air at lunchtime as it is two fingers up to the dinosaurs who want you to bring in lunch because you will be too busy working to have a break. While you’re busy working the dinosaurs will be embracing“thinking time” outside and come back with coffees and smug grins. Would I be happy if I bought an M&S Christmas Sando at 8am and ate it in a stuffy meeting room at 1pm? It was okay as I have never eaten katsu chicken in a sandwich before. It’s important to try new things but working through lunch is rarely worth it. Protect your lunch break.

Tesco

I popped into Tesco after a brilliant crisis management training session. I was starving and chuckled when I saw the ‘Yuletide Half & Half’ sandwich remembering the scene from The Sopranos when Uncle Junior was offered a half & half for a lift in his car. He might have found it more enjoyable than this sandwich which was half sausage and half chicken in thin brown bread. The joke might be lost in translation and be poor taste, much like this sandwich, but it tasted better than the ham hock and pigs in blanket sausage rolls I bought with it. Not quite an international crisis but might be a diplomatic incident if this sandwich was served at the American Embassy. Can I be a writer for the next series of The Diplomat?

Ole & Steen

I was running the Last Friday of the Month 5K at Hyde Park, knowing that I would buy the Ole & Steen Turkey Toastie as my post-race reward. Every second counts and I accumulate too many to run under 23 minutes these days. Never mind, this focaccia filled with roast turkey, crispy bacon, brussels sprout and cranberry slaw, cheddar cheese and chilli jam was worth ￡8.90. I ate it at my desk as I discovered I did not get the job I applied for. The sandwich tasted better than the rejection, but I remain supremely confident in my abilities. I listened to Kid by The Pretenders from the 17 Again soundtrack and watched the divorce court scene where his teenage self tells his estranged wife how he fell in love with her. It gets me every time. I am the greatest.

Subway

I ordered the trademarked foot long V.I.Brie SubMelt? which claims ?to contain classic festive flavour combinations of creamy Brie, American-style cheese, maple smoked streaky bacon, caramelised red onions and sweet onion sauce. It’s certainly filling and tasty enough if you love the taste of onions, but I do not feel the urge to rip off Subway by copying this sandwich filling so their lawyers can switch off over Christmas. It’s weird to think that six of these subs put together would be taller than me.

Costa

It’s my lunch break, I’m a busy man. I walked into Costa when the sandwich fridge was being filled which obscured my view of what was on offer. I strolled up to the counter and asked for the Pigs & Blankets Toastie. The barista accepted my order and I waited, waited and waited some more. They must have thought I was a guy who loved hanging around in coffee shops. ‘You haven’t toasted my toastie?’ My fault for thinking I could order a sandwich at a coffee shop by asking for it, but I thought it might be a special Xmas sandwich that was kept behind the counter to stop people stealing it. It was worth the wait – I enjoyed the flavoured bread and the filling.

Boots

After a family meal out the night before I wanted to save money at lunch. The ￡3.99 Boots Meal Deal was too good to refuse. The Turkey Feast looked good from the front as if the sandwich was stuffed with turkey, bacon and stuffing. When l lifted up the bread I finally felt like an investigative journalist breaking a big story – a lot of chutney and the meat becomes harder to find. It tasted okay but sometimes it’s better not to know the truth.

Waitrose

Once I understood The Merry Club’mas Sandwich was two triple sandwiches rather than two separate sandwiches, I was able to pick them up without getting my hands messy. I was pleasantly surprised by how tasty it was. Was it the gravy mayonnaise? The chilli jam? How can cheddar cheese be tastier than chicken and bacon? It put a smile on my face as did the Mallow & Marsh vanilla bar and the Cawston Press rhubarb drink. It made me feel better after my wife didn’t believe that my younger colleagues said I looked cool in a Hawaiian shirt on a night out.

Marks & Spencer 2

The rule is one Christmas sandwich per eatery, but sometimes you have to play safe. It was the day of our work Christmas meal and we were doing our bit for the night time economy by eating at a restaurant and going for a drink. The restaurant is inclusive but not everyone wants to go for a drink. The longing for home can be as strong as the alcohol-fuelled homing beacon that gets you back to your front door. Sadly, not everyone makes it home after a night out. After I said my goodbyes to colleagues, I was eating my discounted Christmas Club sandwich at Clapham Junction, surrounded by people waiting for their trains. London is beautiful at night but danger lurks in the shadows. Let there be peace for everyone to get home in one piece. You can find better and worse sandwiches than the Christmas Club.

Coco Di Mama

Work is winding down but still a lot to do. I was pleased with how my presentation on the prevention of sexual harassment at work was received. After that high I found out I wasn’t shortlisted for a job I wanted. It would have been my return to communications. Sod it, their loss, not mine. I am at my peak, but how do I get to the next level? I cannot make up my mind, Should I be good or bad, Should I go with the flow, Or will I take control? It cannot be up to me, it must be up to you, I don't know what to do, maybe I'll follow you. I don’t follow anyone. I will make my own path… after I’ve eaten. I bought a Pulled Turkey, Smoky Bacon & Cranberry on Sourdough. It tasted better than supermarket Christmas sandwiches especially the bread but needed to wash my mouth around with my Get More Vits water to get rid of the debris.

Caffè Nero

I was planning to buy The WHSmith Christmas sandwich but wanted something hot, so I opted for Caffè Nero’s Festive Feast Panini which offers succulent chicken, beechwood smokey bacon, cranberry and apricot stuffing with a tangy cranberry sauce. It was nice, I recommend it, but I did wonder if it was a bacon sandwich as the other ingredients seemed to play second fiddle. I spent the week asking people if they have watched the TV thriller series Hijack on Apple. No one had but it is worth a watch. My Apple three-month trial is almost over; will I renew or not?

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is entirely my opinion and does not reflect the opinions of any organisations I am affiliated with.