Caring for yourself when you are depressed

“Labeling and depression, as you can see, fuel each other to create a vicious cycle. The best way to break out of this negativity-filled cycle is to tell yourself, ‘I am not my depression’.”

– Shubhrata Prakash

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WHY ME?

The victim keeps asking herself and others, ‘Why me?’ – a question no one can answer but one’s Maker, if you believe in one. This way your already wounded mind keeps festering, and this unanswered question feeds the rot. ‘Why me?’ is an extension of the victim mode – the self-pity mode. Self-pity is second nature to human beings. Whenever something goes wrong in our lives, we think, ‘Why me? What have I done to deserve this in life? I’ve never harmed anybody. I haven’t even thought ill of anybody. Still, all this is happening to me!’ The rationale behind this line of thinking has its roots in the moral science lessons we were taught every morning in our schooldays, and even later in life. Whatever our religion, we are taught to believe that if we don’t do anything wrong, no harm will come to us. This has been repeated over and over again, in fact, over a course of millennia, so that it has become a part of our collective unconscious. And so, when we do come to some harm, we automatically think, ‘Why me?’ Well, there is no answer to this, just as there are no answers to so many questions in the universe.

Does this mean we should stop believing in doing good and being good? No. Our moral science lessons were not wrong. By harming others, we carry that harm in our own conscience, and the last thing stressed-out human beings on this earth need is the weight of a guilty conscience in addition to the weight of their other concerns. Maybe your suffering is your karma. Maybe it is on account of a deed from a past life. Maybe it is just fate, destiny. But just stop and think for a moment: does it matter why it happened to you? Does it make the severity of your illness any less, or does it make recovery any easier? Does knowing that you caught a viral infection from your school-going child make the fever and chills go away? No. The illness has to run its course, and you have to take proper treatment for it. Questions like ‘why me?’ only add to your disability and make you feel even more depressed. They are like a secondary infection – a secondary depression that is enervating. And, of all times, now is the time you don’t need anything to get you down any further. You are down enough. What you need are empowering statements like ‘So what if it is me?’ Positive and affirmative statements like ‘I have depression but I can fight it.’ Keep repeating this to yourself: ‘I will get better.’ Repeat it all day long if required. Do whatever you must to keep self-pity out. Pity begets pity, and strength, greater strength.

Image Source: Shubhrata Prakash

YOU ARE NOT YOUR DEPRESSION

Depression does not develop overnight. As the basic definition of depression goes, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks for a diagnosis of major depression. In most cases, the patient suffers for much longer than two weeks before she or the people around her realize something is wrong. Sometimes it takes months or years before a diagnosis of major depression. This lapse of time makes a person get used to living with depression. The low moods, the fatigue, the loss of interest in everything, the altered thought processes, the crying spells – they become so familiar that they seem to constitute part of the basic personality of the person with depression. The person with depression begins to identify with his depressed state. ‘I feel very sad’, ‘I cry too much’, ‘I cry at any small thing’ – these thoughts and states of mind become part of his identity. He also goes on to label himself as ‘lazy’, ‘lethargic’, ‘depressed’, ‘unmotivated’, and so on. Over a period of time the depressed person begins to believe in these labels, which only further distorts his already out-of-kilter thought process. Labelling and depression, as you can see, fuel each other to create a vicious cycle. The best way to break out of this negativity-filled cycle is to tell yourself, ‘I am not my depression’. This is another mantra that you need to keep chanting repeatedly. If you are feeling lazy and lethargic, it is not because you are lazy and lethargic. You have a mood disorder – MDD – that makes you feel lazy and lethargic. You are not sad; your depression has cast a spell of sadness on you. You are not unmotivated; your depression has left you without interest and enthusiasm for anything worthwhile. You have to call its bluff. Once you have done that you have empowered yourself to become a separate entity from your depressed-state identity. You have correctly recognized that these negative thoughts and feelings are a manifestation of the beast called depression. You are not these negative thoughts or feelings; your depression is making you see yourself that way. You are not a cry-baby; your depression is what is making you cry. This is a very major step towards controlling depression, and for recovery from it. Blame everything on depression? Yes, you can. And yes, you must. That way, you are quickly able to identify a negative pattern of thinking and check your thoughts from going into a downward spiral. This is also a form of mindfulness, where you are able to identify and observe your thoughts as separate entities from yourself, separate your depressed-state existence from your normal existence.

SEEKING HELP FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Remember the Beatles classic, ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’? It is not just a lovely set of lyrics set to a lovely tune and sung by lovely voices. It is also a very useful thought. There is no shame or embarrassment in asking for help from family and friends when you are stuck in the rut of repression. More often than not, family and friends are usually eager to help as they care for you and wish you well. But you have to ask for it. One of the problems with having an illness like depression is the lack of awareness about it all around. It is quite likely that your family and friends will not know how to help you. They may not understand the depths to which your depression can take you. They may wonder why you can’t get out of bed even though it is a beautiful day out there. They may start a bright conversation when all you want is a bit of silence as you are drowsy from the effect of your medicines. They may urge you to be more active, little knowing that you don’t have any energy left in you to even hear them out and think about what they are saying. They also may not know how you might react to their offer of help. Remember, you have not been yourself lately. You have been sad, irritable, angry, lethargic, apathetic to things around you, and maybe a lot else you have not always been. You may have burst into tears at their attempts at kindness, or snapped at them for it. Sometimes you may appear to want their company, and sometimes you are tired, bored or irritated with it. Even you are not sure of your moods. So how can your family and friends be? How will they know how you will react to what they say or do?

Yes, it is difficult to communicate when you are depressed.

Excerpts from ‘The D Word – A Survivor’s Guide to Depression’ by Shubhrata Prakash

Excerpted with permission from Pan Macmillan India. Price: INR 299.

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