Caring for parents in the last mile

Tomorrow I am going for an annual vacation with my family to Switzerland. I am also taking my parents with us. When I shared this with my friends they were happy but surprised too. Usually, the trend is to send old parents on tour with a reputed tourist company. But I thought it would be a great vacation with my parents around. My wife & my daughter also happily supported my decision & parents agreed to the idea very much. They were planning a Europe tour for many years but were hesitant due to their age. For the last month, I have been observing the excitement with which my father & mother are getting ready for the trip.

How we behave with old parents defines their life & our character.

Last fortnight people in India observed a Hindu ritual called Shraadha. On one of the days, during this fortnight, people cook good vegetarian food & offer it to crows, in the memory of parents who passed away. Crows symbolize the old parents who are no longer alive. Usually, the dishes loved by parents are cooked & close relatives are invited for lunch. This is to cherish memories of parents who left for the heavenly abode. How we behave with our old parents, determines our character. What is the use of missing them when they go away if we ill-treat them when they are alive? Thank you, God, you gave me the maturity to deal with parents when they are old & in the last lap of their journey of life.

Behave with your parents like you would love your kids to behave with you. Remember, our sins revisit us.

We are a small family. My parents had a love marriage in 1964. Father was a professor & writer. My mother worked as Metron in the Solapur Municipal Hospital. Post-retirement they preferred to settle in Pune & hence migrated from Solapur to Pune. They had their own journey of life with a really bumpy ride. But led a happy life with a lot of hard work.

Dealing with self-made parents is a tough task. Their definition of self-esteem becomes difficult to comprehend and handle.

Dealing with my father was really tough. But I am grateful to God that he gave me tenacity, tolerance & patience to deal with him. I could do it because of the immense love & affection I had for him. He is a successful man & a successful father too.

My father lost his father when he was just 13 years old. He had a tough life then & had to work during the day as child labor. But he was keen to study. He didn't stop his education & enrolled for a night school in Solapur. All his classmates in that night school in Solapur worked during the day & studied during the night. All of them succeeded in their life. My father's best friend at night school went on to become the Chief Minister of Maharashtra & then the Home Minister of India in the Manmohan Singh government. He was ranked number two in the cabinet of ministers after the prime minister. My father was a gem of a professor. He taught Marathi literature. Students of other divisions use to bunk their classes to attend my father's class. His class would overflow with students sitting even on the floor between benches and in the windows. He was a celebrated writer who used to write articles in the local newspaper. He revolted against the corrupt practices in education & fought tooth to nail with the establishment. As a result, he couldn't stick to one job & students lost a great professor. He then ran a weekly newspaper & a printing press (Ajit Printers) which were very popular in Solapur. My mother worked even harder. She completed her master's degree while working in the hospital. She had only cleared the high school & nursing diploma before marriage. She used to work in 3 shifts, one at a hospital, second at college & third as a mother of two sons & a wife of a demanding husband.

My father was a very possessive father. He had an ideal picture for his sons & insisted that his sons must follow his wisdom. I was the elder son hence had to be the opening batsman & take him on. Naturally with me, he had a lot of friction. I never wanted to follow the path which he crafted for us. I wanted to pursue my dreams. But I did follow his wishes in two important areas. I got into engineering because it was his wish & I married a girl whom he selected for me. Fortunately, both turned out to be the best decisions in my life. Hahahaha

Follow parental wish even after having a debate with them to modify it. God can't be with you always, he keeps parents with you.

The logic behind telling our story is that we were a typical Indian family with a dominating father, hardworking mother, arguing elder son & a rebellion younger son. We represent a typical Indian household residing in cities. We are no way special & different than the masses hence my inferences can we applied to most of the middle-class Indian families. Brook Bond tea came out with a beautiful & creative advertisement. Watch the video below:

A few sons take their old parents to pilgrimage where there are over half a million people. They simply leave them unattended in croud & run away.

I was shocked to see this advertisement. How can somebody desert his parents intentionally in the crowd & leave them to die? I have seen farmers in Uttar Pradesh & Bihar taking care of their cows even after they stop giving milk. But on the other hand, there are people with attitudes as shown in the above clip.

I am going to hold my father's hand firmly while traveling in Swiss trains. I will not forget that now he is 80. He will behave like a child. But I have to behave like his father. He will be stubborn in many things but I will be flexible. He will demand more time from my wife, Arti & daughter, Supriya but I would calmly let him do that. He would want to sit with them in the airplane, I would let him do that & I will sit with my mother & take care of her, she is also 76 now. I have already forgotten how my father scolded me when I was a kid. I strongly remember how he took care of me when I was a baby & my mother had to go for the night duty in the hospital

When parents become senior citizens then there is a role reversal. You become their father & they become your kids.

At work, we tolerate so many eccentric people, in society, we deal with problematic people with a lot of maturity. Why can't we use the same tolerance & maturity while dealing with old parents? Can you see the immense happiness on the face of my mother when she interacts with my wife? We stay in Thane & they live in Pune but I visit them every month. Take my daughter & wife every alternate visit or two. I realized how happy my parents are when we visit them & stay with them. My mother loves fish & father enjoys Tandoori chicken. I make it a point to take them to a restaurant during my Pune visit. I ask my mother not to cook breakfast & take both of them for breakfast. The satisfaction I see on their faces when I spend time with them is priceless. It helps me manage my guilt that I don't stay with them daily, in their old age to take care of them.

Mother never cuts ambilical chord of her kids. She continues to be in the body & soul of her kids for life.

My mother's friends in the Yoga class & in the morning walk club know every small detail about my life in Thane. They know which dishes Arti cooks well, which subjects Supriya scored well, what is Supriya's GMAT score, every minor detail. My mother physically stays in Pune but virtually she is always with us. If my younger brother couldn't call her from Atlanta because of his tour then she becomes uncomfortable. She didn't meet him for a few years so I decided to go to the US, after our Switzerland tour, directly from Zurich to Atlanta & spend a few days with my brother. It will be a great family gathering. Our Thanksgiving. Hahahaha So readers please forgive me, I will be away for 3 weeks, busy with my parents & recovering my lost time with them while we roam in the Alps, in Switzerland & spend hours & hours in our Atlanta home & shopping in great American stores like Macy's, TJ Maxx, Koles, Target & Walmart. The joy that my daughter gets while shopping in America, the satisfaction my wife gets cooking different Marathi dishes for my brother, Jayant, the chats I enjoy with my dearest nephew, Nishant, the movies I watch in our home theatre with my brother & entire family, the fun I get watching my wife & my brother's wife Anu cooking together, is priceless. Money can't buy this... for everything else there is a Mastercard.... (for shopping in America particularly). Hahaha, Bye for now.

About the Author: Prof Dr. Ajit Patil was awarded 'Top Voice on LinkedIn - 2017'. He is a Management Writer; Marketing, Business Development & Retailing Consultant. He conducts Management Development Programmes; trains & coaches Sales & Marketing teams. He has been teaching MBA students in India & overseas for over 18 years. He can be reached at [email protected]

Prof Dr. Ajit Patil with his wife Arti & neighbors from Atlanta, Jenny & David Jones