Caring Must Be Genuine

Genuine care is the foundation of trust, and trust is what builds great teams. If we want to improve performance, trust must be in place. When we receive feedback, we need to feel confident that the person giving it truly cares—about us, our development, and our success. Without that, we become hesitant to share our thoughts, struggles, and doubts.

But here's the catch: sometimes leaders try to take shortcuts in the caring process. They go through the motions but miss the mark. I call this "fake caring."

I’ve been on both sides of this—both as the giver and the receiver. And while it may seem like they are following the "right steps" in leadership and empathy, something vital is missing.

What Is Fake Caring?

Fake caring happens when leaders follow the scripts they've learned in leadership training—they ask the right questions, they seem to listen—but deep down, something is off. They want to care, they want the results that caring brings, but for one reason or another, they aren’t truly invested.

In my experience, this is rarely intentional. Leaders often have the best intentions. They want to show interest, listen, and connect with their team. But other things get in the way. For me, impatience has often been the culprit. I'm a driven person, always eager to get things done quickly, and sometimes I take on too many tasks at once. As a result, I lose sight of what's truly important: spending time with people, really listening to them, and giving them the attention they deserve.

What Gets in the Way of Genuine Care?

Beyond impatience, there are other factors that can block genuine care. Insecurities about one's own abilities, fear of vulnerability, or even the worry that others might outshine us can all play a role.

But because we’ve been trained in the importance of connection, we go through the motions. We ask questions, offer a listening ear, and sometimes even give a reassuring pat on the back. Yet we fail to actually invest the time and attention needed to make a genuine connection.

The Consequences of Fake Caring

When you’re on the receiving end of fake caring, it’s disappointing. Someone asks a thoughtful question, and you start to open up, hoping for a genuine exchange. But then, as you speak, you notice they aren’t really listening—or worse, they seem impatient for a specific answer. You try to clarify, repeat, or explain, but their attention has already shifted. They change the subject or offer a shallow response. You feel deflated. Next time, you might not even bother sharing, opting instead to say what they want to hear.

This can be an eye-opener, especially if you've ever unknowingly done this yourself. The challenge is that in hierarchical workplaces, leaders are less likely to experience this from their team members—so they may never realize how their behavior impacts others.

Genuine Care Takes Time and Effort

True care goes beyond good listening skills or leadership training. Don’t get me wrong—those are crucial tools. But they won’t work if your heart isn’t in the right place. If you're distracted or trying to take shortcuts, even the best communication strategies won’t make up for a lack of genuine care.

Before every client meeting or workshop, I take time to refocus and center myself. It’s the same practice I used before having important conversations as a leader. Here’s what I do:

• Identify distractions: What’s pulling my attention away? How can I set those aside for the time I’m with my clients?
• Understand their priorities: What are my client’s current challenges? What might be weighing on their mind?
• Curiosity matters: What am I genuinely curious about with them?
• Recognize their value: What do I appreciate about them? What potential do they have that’s not yet fully realized?
• Ask the right questions: What can I ask to help them uncover their own potential and come to their own insights?

I also visualize the conversation in advance, practicing patience and resisting the urge to jump in with solutions. I remind myself to give them the space to reflect, allowing them to work through their thoughts without interruption.

No Shortcuts in Caring

At the end of the day, caring can’t be rushed. It requires time, attention, and a willingness to truly invest in the other person. When we take shortcuts, we lose the opportunity to build trust and create meaningful connections. If we want to lead effectively, we have to genuinely care. No shortcuts, no quick fixes—just real, heartfelt care.