Caring and Compassionate Fathers in Our Lives

TLDR: Father figures, such as King ?uddhodana (Buddha’s father), are not just Male Heroes but also embody unique qualities of love, sacrifice, and teachings of unconditional love and compassion. This article delves into the emotional significance of Zeb’s Father as the hero that Zeb needs in his life, highlighting the depth of their love and the sacrifices they make.?

The image of stern and commanding Father figures often looms large in our mental image of our father. However, as we grow older and wiser, we may see our Father as a figure of authority and a Wise Mentor, a source of invaluable advice and unwavering support. Fathers may seem less overtly caring and compassionate compared to Mothers in our lives, but it may just be that they show their care and concern differently, often through their role as inspiring mentors and guides in our lives. ?

As much as we are a product of our time, with our challenges and changing societal norms and values to live up to, they live in a different era and environment than the one we grew up in. Let us understand how their generation's times and environment may have shaped them and appreciate the unique challenges they faced, which often go unnoticed or unappreciated.?

In June, for Father’s Day month, and to extend the Vesak vibe from May, I would like to share about Buddha’s Father and my own Father. The goal is not to compare and contrast, to see which one is better, but to highlight the similarities of the fathers in both ancient Buddha times and modern times. I hope to show readers how to appreciate the unique qualities that fathers and father figures bring to our lives.?

King ?uddhodana (Buddha’s Father)

Last month, we celebrated Vesak’s Day, and I shared about Buddha’s 2 Mothers.? It is only fair to share more about Buddha’s father – King ?uddhodana’s contributions to Buddhism here.?

Readers may know of the story of how the King went to great extremes, providing 3 palaces to shelter the young Prince Siddhartha Gautama from being exposed to the worldly suffering of sickness, old age, and death for fear of the prince becoming disenchanted with the material world and be a great spiritual master.? It was an ancient prophecy by the Astrologers that the young prince would either be a great King or a great Spiritual Master.

For me, this is an example of the Father’s sacrifice and extreme acts that they may provide to their children to shelter them from the inevitable challenges of the world.? Prince Siddhartha may feel suffocated and sheltered – but it is only natural for one’s parents to try to protect their child from pain and suffering, however futile it may be. Let's take a moment to appreciate and feel grateful for the sacrifices our fathers make for us.?

Growing up, I felt blessed to have a protective father who tried to shelter me from the world's dangers. However, this overprotection also challenged me when I lived abroad in the USA, alone, without my parents' close guidance and support.?

As I grow older, I try to put myself in my parents’ shoes and see the world through their eyes; why do they send me abroad to the USA for studies? I felt I was being cast, shipped, and flown away back then because I was no longer loveable.? Later, upon hindsight, I see it as a great sacrifice for them to mortgage the family home, to provide the best education possible for their eldest son, for the hope of a better future, not for themselves, but for me, for they want the very best possible the world can offer me, what they cannot have for themselves growing up.?

Just like King ?uddhodana feels the pain of “losing” his son, Prince Siddhartha, and his grandson, Rahula, to the monastic order, similarly, no Father wants their son to be far away from them. Still, they do it anyway for the greater good. I am glad to have newer insights into my parents' actions and behaviours, sending me away to study in a foreign land while they are still around, so I can repay them the best way I can.?

Lim Siow Choo (Father to Zeb Lim Kai Kok):

“My hero, my father.” ~ Zeb.? Most young boys growing up would see their father as a Hero, though with time, we started to see the “flaws” of our father and stopped putting them on a pedestal.? Everything is impermanent, however, and I have learned to re-evaluate and redefine what a true hero is.? ??

My father is a Polio victim; the polio virus shrunk his left leg, and he walks with a limp.? I was ashamed of this as a teenager; I turned away and pretended I didn’t see him at a school event.? He noticed my shame and gently called me out on this.? He is also a 4 times Cancer Survivor.? To say he has a very challenging life is an understatement.?

Despite his physical challenges, he’s an avid footballer, badminton player, and self-taught swimmer who has coached others to swim (except his 3 sons; he tried anyway). ?His swimming students nicknamed him “Coach” as a sign of respect for his great patience and effort in teaching them how to swim.? This is partly due to what, in modern days, we would call the “Toxic Masculinity” mindset that my Grandfather, a product of his generation, had, that my father would have to live normally, with his life, disability or not.? Perhaps that Toxic Masculinity mindset, which was essential for that period, in a generation where “men can shed blood, but not tears,” helped make my father a far more resilient person than he would otherwise be.?

Due to his disability, he could not secure a full-time stable job, but that did not stop him from doing 30+ different jobs across his working life to feed the family.? Being the fiercely active and independent person that he is, he kept on working till his mid-70s, until an unfortunate car accident at the Malacca General Hospital’s parking lot, of all places, hit him, caused him to fall, and broke the bone on his already fragile left leg.?

In December 2019, I went through one bout of major surgery after a car accident; after that incident, I have a richer appreciation of what a major medical treatment can do to a person and a newfound appreciation for what my father has survived throughout his life.?

From basic radiotherapy to chemotherapy to experimental stem cell transplant, my father went through all forms of treatment, for he has a strong will to live, not only for himself but for his wife and three kids.? He is now 77 years old.?

A grown-up child will see their parents differently after seeing more of life.? Similarly, a parent will treat their grown-up children differently.? An equal balance in power and relationships may shed new light on how children treat their parents; they see them through a wiser and more compassionate lens.? I believe when the Buddha agrees to King ?uddhodana’s request for future monastics to seek permission from their parents before their ordination, the Buddha tries to understand how King ?uddhodana, as a father, may view the world differently, beyond just spiritual pursuits, that other fathers have worldly needs and concerns, that they wish their children to care for as well.?

I want to dedicate this article to my Hero Father, Mr. Lim Siow Choo, and the many Male figures in my life who are Fathers, Fathers-to-be, or Father figures.?

In conclusion, I hope you will be inspired to see the Father figures through a wiser, more appreciative, and compassionate lens. We may not always understand their actions and behaviours, but we can try to feel their love, compassion, and joy for us anyway.? After all these years, I learned to better appreciate my father’s sacrifices and love for me. Thank you, Dad.? I love you, too.?

Happy Father’s Day Month!

Wise Steps:

·????? On Father’s Day in June, thank your father or father figures. Next, try to continue this tradition for the rest of the months until the next Father’s Day.

·????? We can practice gratitude to our fathers or parents by spending more time with them.?

·????? As adults, can we model to our Fathers and parents how we want them to show Love? We can hug them, have small talks, and bring them out for meaningful activities, like a movie or a walk together.

PS. If you have managed to get this far, Congrats!? And a big Thank You for reading; I appreciate it a great deal!

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Shoutout: If you like a more visual view of things, I suggest you check out “The Woke Salaryman” visual reflection on their changing views of Father here: https://thewokesalaryman.substack.com/p/my-dad-the-dictator