Caregiving and Family Conflict

Family conflict within caregiving families is not unheard of. It is important for clinicians to normalize the fact that caregiving families often suffer from difficulties navigating arguments and disagreements. Within caregiving relationships, are complex feelings of anger, guilt, and resentment that can stem from old hurts or even past trauma.

Also, over the course of time, the caregiving relationship often evolves. Power dynamics shift, roles change, intimacy can either increase or decrease, and conflicting/confusing feelings emerge, which can all result in dysfunction.

Let me give you a powerful example.

My 35-year-old caregiver self, feels "some type of way" about denying my 95 year old grandfather more gravy on his potatoes. My 95-year-old grandfather feels "some type of way," about being denied more gravy, from someone 60 years his junior and who he put through college. We both may have resentments about having to be put in this situation to begin with.

?Clinicians can help families better navigate the complexities of the caregiving journey in many ways. Increasing healthy communication is of course a necessity, but helping families create structure and safety within their disagreements can often allow more space for empathy and understanding.

?“Fair fighting rules,” is a concept I often use with couples, but has also been efficacious with families as well. Creating a set of rules for each family member to follow and abide by, for a difficult conversation to take place, can help each member feel supported, understood, valued, and heard. ?

?An example would be “We do not have additional difficult discussions during times of crises.”

?We can teach families not to minimize each other’s needs, in service of the crises and that it is important to communicate needs within the family, but perhaps learn when and how certain conversations need to take place, in order for the conversation to be productive.

There may not be an overnight fix to family conflict. Relationships are complicated and change takes time. But it is important to the entire family unit, to create an environment that feels safe, accepting, and secure. And that happens when families can address the hard stuff head on as a team. Creating team rules, fosters teamwork.?