Caregivers: young men, 16-24, respond to praise instead of criticism

Let’s face it, we, humans that is, are our worst critics, so having someone else criticize us will only lead to more self-condemnation and shame. Those closest to us can be the most harmful. 

Young men, 16-24, have been particularly vulnerable to these types of negative interactions between their care givers because they either seemingly ignore it, numb out in a way you are unaware, or eventually blow after much internal escalation; unbeknownst to those around him.

Does this currently describe the relationship between you and that special 16-24-year-old gentlemen in your life? 

This may be your situation, and if it is, realize that you are not alone, and that praise as you will learn later will be more supportive than criticism with building up your relationship in the long run. 

In my counseling practice, I have seen many well-intentioned parents and exhausted caregivers come for services because they complain that their home has become a war zone, instead of a loving sanctuary for people to escape from the cares of this world. Or, they have lamented that their son, grandson, foster child, and/or nephew has shut down completely, and they are at a loss as to what to do. And, despite all their plea bargains with their kids, nagging, or threats, the relationship has only worsened.

Some folks get shocked when they discover that not all of these bizarre behaviors are related to mental illnesses, or taking drugs and alcohol, but could be changes involved with normal processes of growth and maturity.   

I tell them these facts, in the gentlest way possible. This is my spiel:  

First, realize that in normal development, your 16-24-year-old is undergoing physiological changes, as well as ecological struggles in navigating this abrupt transition from boyhood to being a man. His body hormonally responds by initiating the biggest growth spurt since being a toddler, so expect that there will be strong emotional highs and lows, which generally require greater support from a caring adult (Dan Siegel, 9th Western Conference on Behavioral Health, Nov. 8-10, Newport Beach, CA). Additionally, he must learn how to gradually break away from his safe caregiving environment by deriving greater social and emotional support from peers.   

These processes are nature’s ways of equipping him for future events: such as leaving home and being responsible. Consequently, if his behavior seems questionable, understanding the possible reasons should help you be more empathetic. (However, if there is abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma in his life, all these developmental cues may be drastically skewed).

Consequently, he needs YOU, as the mature adult, to safely navigate with him this tough emotional terrain; to be his champion, and not critic!    

These “Caregivers: young men, 16-24, respond to praise instead of criticism” tips will help.

1)     Genuinely praise that special 16-24-year-old in your life, even if he does anything remotely well.

2)     Explain to this fella what are the challenges, as well as the joys of this period in his life to help him benefit from this time.

3)     Provide opportunities to use the abundance of energy in positive ways, which reinforces muscle memory for repeated performance.

4)     Help him with the emotional hi and lows by maintaining your composure and staying calm to help him regulate and do likewise.

5)     If you have the tendency to criticize instead of praise, it may be helpful to probe your own history to determine if you were given the positive attention you deserved as a child.

6)     Decide after a certain period that you will seek mental health counseling for you or your 16-24-year-old if behaviors continue to escalate.  

By becoming his cheerleader by praising the good things he does, in place of criticizing all negatives, there will be a greater opportunity to restore that loving relationship with that special 16-24-year-old with kindness and compassion.  

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.