Be careful what you wish for....

I have just returned from a 10 day silent meditation retreat.

During the programme you have no contact with outside world, no phones, tablets, computers, TV's, newspapers. Nothing.

You don't speak to any of your co-meditators (I think around 130 people took part), you just focus internally on how you deal with the world and the challenges or opportunities you face.

You are taught a particular type of meditation and there is a daily video discourse where your teacher explains certain concepts that should become clearer to you as you stop the external stimulus we are normally subject to and allow your mind to settle down.

The general idea is to really see what causes us to worry and be fretful and why so many people find it difficult to enjoy life without these concerns and anxieties.

It turns out that it's pretty simple.

In order to be happy we want the following.

Only good things to happen to us and no bad things to happen to us.

That's it in a nutshell.

All of our challenges in life are due to the fact we have developed a certain habit pattern of the mind, a pattern that keeps repeating itself over and over and one that we cannot seem to break out of.

When things happen that we do not like we act with aversion.

We do everything possible to avoid the situation and begin to question why the world treats us in such a terrible way.

Let's say you have an acrimonious break up with a partner, the typical reaction is to say - "Why me? Why do I always get the bad guy/girl? Why does this sort of thing keep happening to me?"

Or you get passed over for a promotion. The little voice in your head says something like "Well that's just typical isn't it? I work hard all year and then so and so sucks up to management and gets noticed over me and ends up being my next boss! It's just not fair."

Even mundane things like picking the slow moving queue at the supermarket or the bank can trigger this response. We get agitated, frustrated, saddened, annoyed, aggressive or depressed.

But even when good things happen to us it can cause a less than helpful habit pattern.

This time it is craving.

You go on a wonderful holiday. It's relaxing, fun, great food and beaches, whatever floats your boat.

Yet two or three days before the end of the trip, your mood starts to change.

We start to think "Why can't I live like this all the time? Do I really have to go back? Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could just stay a few more days?"

You start to fantasize about your flight being cancelled and having a free extension to your vacation.

You begin looking at real estate prices in the area and visualise selling up and then moving here permanently.

You become increasing unhappy with your current life and starting pining for a new and "better" way of going about your daily business.

Why do so many people play the lottery knowing the chances of winning incredibly unlikely?

So they can change the way they live and move towards this lifestyle that will definitely make them happy.

We all know this at a surface level but the 10 day silent experience really helps it to resonate at a much deeper level.

But here's the catch.

Is it really possible to live a life where only good things happen to you and no bad things ever do?

I would suggest not.

Even the most powerful and influential people in the world are not destined to have everything their own way.

Others will disagree with you. Your children may defy you and choose another path than the one you had hoped for.

Even with the best healthcare money can buy we are all destined to become sick and shuffle off this mortal coil (or we will lose loved ones that we care deeply about).

So there it is. All of our issues boil down to this basic human trait. We crave for the things we want (and get upset if we don't get them), and we have aversion to the things we don't want (and we react negatively when they actually happen).

The great thing about the retreat is that they start to teach you a technique that will help you come out of this habit pattern. A tool that will help you enjoy the pleasant things that happen in your life and accept with good grace and tolerance the things that you would rather not have happened. So it is possible to manage this condition we all have.

It is not terminal!

But, just as there are tools that can reduce the condition, there are others that can inflame it.

This got me thinking about a worrying trend we see happening in the workplace at the moment.

Employee feedback.

Don't get me wrong. I am generally a big fan of getting important information from your team that will help them be more motivated, engaged and productive.

But it has to be managed well and we need to be cognizant of exactly what we are asking (and why?).

In recent years there has been a move away from the periodic employee survey towards what are generally known as "pulse" surveys.

These usually consist of a few questions that are asked on a fairly regular basis.

The idea being to keep your finger on the "pulse" of what kind of issues are front and centre for most of your employees.

This has recently morphed into a new kind of approach. Platforms that claim to be always listening.

Giving your employees the ability to feedback how they feel about certain things on a real time basis.

Everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, employees can tell you how they feel about what is going on in their world.

Whilst in theory this might sound like a good idea, my realisation last week about human nature would lead me to believe otherwise.

Just think about it for a moment. We all know that we don't want bad things to happen to us and we do want good things to occur. You - my employer - is now giving me the chance to tell you how happy I am with what is going on in my life almost on a minute by minute basis!

Wow. Talk about feeding a habit.

One web site I came across states that everyday you can ask your employees how they are feeling and why? According to them, this information will be invaluable in helping you motivate and engage your team towards better performance.

Will it? Really?

Let's say that I come to work frustrated and upset so that will be my first entry of the day. Then, when asked why I felt that way, I tell you it is because I had a row with my wife on the weekend as I wanted to watch the big match on the TV and she wanted me to go to shops with her (just a hypothetical situation I promise).

So now you know how I feel and why.

What are you gong to do with that? Are you going to call my wife and tell her that her decision on the weekend has limited my potential to be productive and could she please be a little more understanding and less selfish the next time something like this crops up?

Good luck with that (oh wait, it's a hypothetical situation isn't it!).

What if in one of my later entries that day I tell you that I am bored and the reason is that one of my colleagues that I usually have a good time with during the day is on leave and I am missing them. So what's your plan? Are you going to track them down on some sun drenched beach and organise a Zoom call so my morale can be boosted? Unlikely.

Or even a more work related issue. My final entry for the day tells you that I am feeling very depressed as I have just reached the ripe old age of 40 and don't really feel that I am in the right job or even career.

I just fell into this role and stuck with it because the money was reasonable.

Are you going to help me retain and find another career outside of the organisation and maybe even the industry. Also not likely.

So what are we doing by constantly asking people what is making them happy or unhappy?

We are just taking the universal human condition - only wanting good things to happen and not wanting bad things to occur and constantly reminding everyone that you can't always get what you want (to quote the Rolling Stones).

This is madness.

Am I suggesting we don't get feedback from employees? No of course not. But it needs to be handled in a professional and controlled way. In future blogs we will cover a better approach to tackle engagement and feedback, but for now, please, please, please, let's stop rubbing salt in the wound by asking people how they feel when in the majority of cases there is absolutely nothing we can do to make it better.

And yes, just in case you were wondering, I do realise that this is just another example of something happening that I don't want to happen.

Luckily, the meditation programme has taught me how to deal with that. For those that would like to more about this programme, visit www.dhamma.org