Be careful what you wish for!

Sometimes I think.....I just want that feeling to go away, I wish it didn't hurt, why am I having this problem again? Last week I watched a TEDTALK and the speaker stated. "If you do not want to have emotions and feelings coming up then you have the goals of a dead person" A dead person doesn't have to deal with any feelings or emotions.....Good point!

Our feelings and emotions are flags for us about what is going on in our world. Are we aligned with our values? Are we on the "true path"

Just had a contact (let's call her Jenny) via Linkedin reach out and tell me that she is not having much success. Okay so I ask back What specifically are you looking for? The reply too long to share and she never answered the question. So I ask I am unsure what you are saying so can I just clarify what specifically do you want? Again a long worded answer (that had no answer) which included wishing all these feelings would go away....Ummm lots of detail no desired outcome stated. Again I ask the question. This goes on for some time as she has a block.

In short she wants to stay home with her children but her husband wants her to work. She keeps him happy by saying she will look for work but she really doesn't want to work outside of the home. She avoids being honest with her husband or maybe she has explained to her husband but is not being heard. So she applies for many jobs and self sabotages so she can say to her husband "see no one wants me to work for them"

Now I am not sure that this is even an intentional thing but it is a strategy that is running in the background and is not successful for anyone in this situation. Everyone is very frustrated.

In the end Jenny wants the emotions and the feelings to go away. She actually tells me I wish I had no feelings or emotions around this. BUT JENNY we are all human to really have no feelings and no emotions is to be dead. Dead people have no feelings and no emotions. Dead people never get upset or annoyed they also don't feel love, kindness or happiness - Is that what you really want?

What we do want is to end the pain when feeling like this right?

It is like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ - Just like Dorothy you have always had the power you just don't know how yet. That is okay as you are human like me and sometime we get stuck. The strong feelings and emotions are just letting you know you need to do something different. The more you ignore them the stronger they will become.

When I feel like this I take the emotion out and ask myself a few coaching questions to think about what strategy is really going on for me.

Here is an example of a client talking about a situation with a colleague at work. She has been running a strategy from her childhood. She then talks about her father who she only recently found out suffered from mental illness for many years.

"What message are my emotions and feelings telling me?"

I am feeling hurt and sad....disappointed that someone would treat me this way when my attention was only to help. It felt really terrible he didn't want my help. I kept asking him and he got really cross with me. I really just wanted to help. I felt so upset.

"Why am I feeling this emotion?"

I am feeling this emotion as feedback to being in this situation before - I am angry at me for not learning from my past mistakes. I should not offer help any more because people are ungrateful and uncaring. I am sick of people being like this all the time.

"When was the first time I felt this emotion?"

The first time I felt like this was when I was little and I went to help my father because I could see he was about to drop something. As I approached him he yelled at me and I felt this emotion of hurt and sadness that my father didn't need me or want me around. This happened quite a lot. I could never help or do anything "right"

"What did I learn about me and the world at this time"

I learnt that I am always waiting for someone to be angry with me even when I come from good intention. People are not always kind even when I just want to help. It feels really upsetting.

How does that play out in today's world for me?

I am often looking for people to disappoint me even when I am working with them from good intention. I am evidence building for this limiting believe which became my reality when I was a child.

What could I do differently?

I could accept that not everyone wants or needs help. Offer only once rather than insisting to help them, and then move on. I recognise that I am bringing all my stuff (and plenty of emotions) to a work place - it was not at all about my colleague it's about me wanting to feel needed. I didn't realise that...... I have never really thought about it in this way before. I can see it more clearly now.

A REMINDER HERE:

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” Yoda - The Empire Strikes Back

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