CAREERS, CONFIDENCE & CONNECTIONS

Part 5: Why Connection Is So Important

Connection keeps us healthy and happy! When you really feel it, it feels like

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I’m a massive fan of Brené Brown’s research and I love her definition of connection:

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”.

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This is part 5 of a short series of articles to follow my keynote speech that opened first NWG (Northumbrian Water Group) Woman in STEM (WiSTEM) Careers, Confidence & Connection programme.? I am convinced through my experience, my own MA research, my own coaching practice and peer reviewed research that connection is a vital part of what it is to THRIVE and BE WELL throughout our lives. So much of the troubles people talk about with me in coaching stems from a disconnection to one's self (presents in so many different ways) and from disconnection to other, important people in their lives.?

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Yet, we underestimate connection's reach and impact. Connection to yourself must come first to truly connect with others. And it comes much more naturally to some for sure. For me, I always felt connection to others was fleeting and I thought it was me, my fault (See part 2). I'd read all the books, sought advice, tried all the text book methods. They were helpful in some ways, mainly in that they helped me realise that their simple steps mantra didn’t stick - my own inner voice was driving my bus and it didn’t stop long enough at any stop to really understand what was going on. As I began to do a deep dive into this, it begam more and more clear – I wasn’t really connected to myself; I’d stifled and avoided much of my SELF as I kept pushing myself to be better, more, different throughout my career and life. I was wearing so many masks and a suit of armour that began to hold me prisoner.? Until I came home to myself and learned the value of knowing who I really am, accepting and nurturing me, I couldn’t fully connect as me with others – and I so longed for that! Something I denied myself…?

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So, I share the value of connection as an art, a way of being and a choice. The ability to connection can be developed and nurtured. If it comes easier to you, you have a gift that can be shared.?

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I mentioned previously my dislike of networking. I believe networking is a doing word, it’s quite tasky, cooler in temperature. Connecting is a being word, it has warmth and meaning. We are born with a fundamental need to connect, we are hardwired and yet we often try to short circuit this wiring; we tell ourselves stories of the difficulty of connection and that we should be able to just do it on our own; we compare our journey to others. Compare our inside to other's outsides – remember this is the part they want you to see! We hold parts (the bits we don't like or avoid) of ourselves back, subconsciously tell ourselves that the vulnerability of connection is too risky. We might even tell ourselves, we’re not worth it. Connection is a choice, yes a vulnerable one, but such an essential part of developing ourselves and feeling well and happy in our careers and lives particularly as we excel and grow into senior roles.

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Vulnerability is not a weakness. In many ways it’s not even a choice as we are truly at our core, vulnerable beings. We often decide to cover that up with masks and armour as it is quite scary or because we have been crossed or hurt in the past. Just know that your true authentic self is vulnerable and it’s from this vulnerability that we really connect with other humans. Vulnerability takes courage. Courage is vulnerability in action. Vulnerability is your superpower.

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We can choose how we approach events like this WISTEM networking event; I encourage you to see them as an opportunity to fill your hearth, to build your inner circle, to foster a support network, to find a bunch of women who will compliment your strengths and who will challenge you collaboratively – show you a different perspective. People you are influenced by and can also influence. This event is one of many more to come; you will meet these women again and here on LI there is the opportunity to support each other in this way every day.

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Connection takes time, it involves trust and communication; how you start shapes the tone of how you go on. A wise woman once said, “The way you do anything is the way you do everything”.

Why do we undervalue connection?

We find connection hard though, right? Why is that? It’s messy, complicated, takes time, involves exposing your soft underbelly and frankly we over think it. Have you ever seen something on LinkedIn that really quite touched you, your vulnerable parts, it might have created some emotion (which you might label good or bad, negative or positive) and it really resonated with you. You felt a tickle of connection to yourself and the author – and – you didn’t acknowledge that. You didn’t like or comment or share (p.s. you don’t have to make anything you think public, it’s not about that), you withheld your self. Was there a wee voice in you saying, “What would others think if I liked this? What does it say about me? People might not accept me? This might make me look some-kind-of-way. This goes against the image I portray.? If this resonates even a little, do not judge yourself any more than you already are; instead be CURIOUS. What resonated? Why? What holds you back? I work on this curious approach to understanding yourself with my clients every day; they seem small but they are really important in self-awareness, self-discovery and connection, which all lead to stripping back layers to reveal your true confident self. We have a persona, an identity we have created, we wear masks and armour – this ???? is just a beautiful chink in the armour, a crack in the mask that lets the light in, an opening to explore… I digress a wee bit. Why is connection hard?

Hedonic adaptation is a big factor – we want immediate satisfaction and immediate gratification, and we get caught on the hedonic treadmill without even realizing. When we are busy, stressed, stretched, pressurized, lonely and constantly on, we need to ‘feel’ we are getting ahead; stuff, things and status are often our reward and our measure of getting ahead; of doing well, but sadly not always being well. Us humans are intellectual, capable of amazing feats, you women are forging ahead in STEM, those faces that hang above us in Wood Hall were amazing engineers and pioneers in your field; yet when it comes to making good decisions about our lives, we are pretty bad at knowing what’s good for us and bad at forecasting the pros and cons of our potential choice of actions. Our affective forecasting is poor – and our measure of time v effort v reward is often way off. Connection doesn’t offer instant reward. Relationships are messy, complicated and need nurturing attention; we can’t control them or manage them or box them up and our past negative experience is often how we evaluate the future.? We also imagine we don’t have enough time for this complex stuff.

I just read that in 2023 the average person spends 151 minutes per day scrolling social media, that’s 38 days per year. If you were to connect with some of these women for one hour per month or even per week it would be a max of 2 days per year – you could deduct that from your scrolling budget. Time is not the issue.?

Connections are our life blood, our gateway to mentoring, coaching, support and allyship – to being seen, heard and known by ourselves and others. It’s the way to knowing what you want and being able to ask for it, “I know myself through knowing you” (Ester Perel). Connecting to your needs and wants and connecting with others is the life blood of your career and as you progress you will feel and appreciate this more. Women are working well into their 60’s, your brilliance in your area of expertise does not diminish with age – it grows and is embellished with your wisdom and experience. You become the super connectors and the mentors.

The Common Room , where we sit together, literally symbolizes generations of connection, coaching, support, mentoring, advocacy, challenge, collaboration and championing. It’s modern-day principles, led by CEO Liz Mayes is connection and support; the fuel of innovation.

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In Wood Hall, a space that women were likely not allowed, probably not welcomed, and definitely not celebrated all those years ago, things have changed for sure! Angela MacOscar is right, it is time for women in STEM to collectively share their voice and be seen, heard, and known! It’s time for women’s names to be etched into these walls.

The Common Room’s moto, literally carved in stone is “Moneo et Munio”. “Moneo” meaning I advise, teach, advocate. “Munio” meaning I strengthen, protect, defend “I advise and strengthen” – is there anything more appropriate for a gathering of women in STEM?

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I imagine the lack of women adorning the hallowed walls of Wood Hall was not necessarily by design or direct intention to exclude but more the work of stereotypical cultural norms of that time and era. Unlike the moto, cultural norms should be examined, they are not set in stone, they are changeable and it is you who will create that change. STEM Innovation, the foundation of this grand building is the epitome of change and it’s only right this building and what it stands for becomes that change.

I imagine George Stephenson, the ‘Father of the Railways’, is looking down from his portrait with a wry smile, gazing across at his esteemed companions, incredibly proud of these women and the innovation, progress, and advancement you represent just being present in Wood Hall. These men were STEM pioneers, they lived for progress and advancement in the thick of technological advancement in the industrial era, pushing boundaries, connecting cities and people, and building bridges literally and figuratively; their passion was continuous improvement. I left thinking this room there’s no doubt they would all be incredibly proud of their influential legacy on the North East’s commitment to STEM, very proud of the women in this room, proud of all women in STEM. Their pride coming from you all working towards advancing STEM industries, connecting, supporting, advocating, and strengthening each other as they did back then and now of you creating your space at the table. They might not have imagined the progress of Women in STEM but the realisation of something unimaginable would have tickled them pink! THIS very gathering and the collective agenda that is WiSTEM is pioneering and innovation in its own right! I imagine, they’d have been right behind all of it.?

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Under the eyes of these STEM greats, these brilliant women in STEM must take incredible pride in themselves and each other. I for one am very proud and honoured to have been welcomed to their hearth and to connect with them. I appreciate you all.

I'm Gill Caleary. Coach, Consultant, Speaker, (and secretly want to be a) Writer. I work with women (and men), on building confidence and finding their real authentic selves they are proud to take into the world. I work 1:1 as you are.

You know where I am when you need me.