Career Change Growing Pains: part one

Sofa Sloth Fraud:

Monday 24 January 2022

I had one of those moments today. A moment that is so ridiculous, hilarious and yet poignant that it made me sit up, wake up, take stock and start to write some shit down.

Two years since COVID struck as we say and I have barely moved on from the lock-down uniform of over-sized egg stained lounge-wear (currently grey pyjamas with little squirrels wearing hats and mittens) and huge abandoned, unwashed hair. To be honest, it is not just the comfy clothes and piss poor personal hygiene that has stuck around since lock-down, but also my sleepy attitude and loss of any motivation or drive.

So today as I was slouched along my sofa eating the lunch I ‘cooked’ myself which was a bowl of over-cooked pasta and nearly out of date Dolmio sauce, I got out my laptop to look at a freelance trainer job that I was doing.

In front of me was a course outline that I had been asked to lead. The course outline had been written by the organisation: ‘You Are In Charge. Be A Leader’. What the actual fuck. How on earth can me; this sofa sloth covered in crisp dust be seriously leading a course called ‘You Are In Charge. Be A Leader’ when I could not feel less in charge of anything let alone myself or the leader of anything apart from taking my dog on his daily walk, but even then he leads me most of the time and yesterday I came back from that with fox poo on the cuff of my hoody.?

I sat and read the title again and then saw my very together looking headshot displayed next to the title and a bio that made me sound like a very reliable and well curated choice of leader.?

My first reaction was one of horror. What an utter fraud I am, I thought to myself. But then as I looked into my bowl of my bright red student dinner pasta and then back at the screen, I almost laughed. What. Am. I. Doing. With. My. Life? This is absolutely ridiculous. It is almost funny. I didn’t really want to read on to find out more about the course I was about to lead later this week but knew I had to.

Everything in the brief that I read sounded like a course that I should really sign up for. But it was a course that I was to write and deliver. People had already signed up and I was their guide. I was struggling with my own value, I was barely ‘going’ right now and the going had been tough for years. I won’t even get started with how I felt about being the most interesting person in the room and what right did I have to influence anyone? This felt so wrong.?

I didn’t even have a laptop that Zoom worked on properly as my laptop was 8 years old and the camera didn’t work.?

However, deep down I knew that if I pulled myself together then I would be shit-hot at delivering this course and that hopefully my more than down-to-earth current existence would resonate or at least bring some humour into the chat.?

The Next Suicidal Day:

Tuesday 25 January 2022

I woke up this morning mostly worried that I didn’t have a suitable laptop from which to deliver a leadership course from. In 24 hours I will have delivered the first session and it will be over and it will have gone well. I know that, but the pressure I am putting myself under in the run up is horrific.It is unbearable. I have spent the last hour or so in turmoil which resulted in me staring out of the window feeling like a pointless zombie and then screaming at my partner repeatedly that I wanted to die. That’s how I felt at that moment. Grim right? I sat and thought how peaceful it would be to take a bunch of tablets and slip away from this pointless world. I just cannot see or feel the point.?

The Ego:

I have owned businesses for 15 years. When I was a successful business owner (whatever that exactly means) I felt like I mattered. I felt successful and important. People would comment on how well I was doing or how inspirational I was. I would help people and give advice and feel like I was worth something. People in certain circles would know my name and respect me and invite me to events. I felt like I was someone. That I mattered. That I was doing well at life. I could dress up and strut into a room and people would want to talk to me. I was always a visitor or a guest and would get treated with the special perks of being so. I felt very comfortable in this position and it fed my ego and sense of purpose extremely well.?

When I stopped being a business owner I lost my identity completely. I didn’t move onto anything in particular except from a COVID foggy haze which has lasted for a good two years to date. What do I do now? Who am I? Who gives a shit who I am and what is the point in me??

Any opportunity to show that I was still here and still doing something worth my while to be on the planet, I took; but the pressure cooker I locked myself in while I worried and panicked about whatever the important project was, was torturous, toxic and dangerous.?

Like right now. I have been asked to lead this Leadership Course. It really should not be that difficult for me. It won’t be. It will be fine. But on the run up to it I am in constant torment as I worry and beat myself up probably right up until the second before it starts when I will magically turn myself into a calm and together professional facilitator who will lead the session with wisdom, empathy, inspiration and ease. The only peace is in the actual moments of delivery - everything before then feels like desperately trying not to drown in a vat of fierce boiling water.?

I just looked out the window and there were about 7 garden birds happily feasting on the bird feeders. Goldfinches and a wee chaffinch. I smiled. Maybe I don't want to die right now after all.?