Can't we just agree to disagree?

Life's too short to argue goes the old adage, but I beg to differ. It's all too easy to agree and be agreed with but there are significant disadvantages for us all if we don't learn how to disagree with each other properly.

The other week I had some feedback from a colleague "People are scared to come to you as they're afraid you'll disagree with them". My reaction was bittersweet, I almost leapt with joy that people were noticing that I wasn't always going to agree with their point of view and that I had a reputation for doing so, but I was disappointed that people might see that any disagreement was a bad thing.

More and more do we live in a world where everything is positive, Facebook has likes, Twitter has favourites (though there is a hidden dislike button to control your timeline). "Everything is Awesome" rings out in my ears from the Lego Movie and it's true, looking at my Twitter and Facebook feed then on the whole, yes. Everything is Awesome.

Addressing why Facebook doesn't have a dislike button Mark Zuckerberg said:

Some people have asked for a dislike button because they want to say, “That thing isn’t good.” And that’s not something that we think is good for the world. So we’re not going to build that.

You know what Mr Zuckerberg, as much as I respect your opinion I think you're wrong. Here's why.

You see Facebook isn't the real world. For one brands don't want to be told people don't like them. Imagine what would happen to Facebooks advertising revenue if people were allowed to dislike adverts. Facebook depends on Likes to keep its business growing. In fact everything Facebook, and Twitter, depend on for their growth, likes, shares, comments, is all about engagement. What that doesn't encourage is any critical thinking or debate.

Ignoring brands and looking wider, then is Zuckerberg really saying that disagreeing is bad for the world, that any negative emotion isn't helping anyone? Sure, we learned this at school, and I teach my kids to be nice to each other and their friends. However aren't we out of school now? Can't we acknowledge the role of free thinking and critical evaluation. Can't we agree to disagree on some things?

While we're here it's worth noting that without having a 'dislike' button the algorithm that decides what content you see just chooses things others have watched or 'liked'. This is how fake news and misrepresented media gets spread. Without being able to dislike things the media and news that you see is only what other people are 'liking'. This affects our daily lives and stops us seeing alternative viewpoints, increasing the bubble effect and increasingly polarising society.

My colleague Phil Lowe recommended this TED talk to me, I suggest you watch it:

 https://www.ted.com/talks/theo_e_j_wilson_a_black_man_goes_undercover_in_the_alt_right 

I'm a natural debater, my personality is just built to take the devil's advocate position. I enjoy taking contrary positions simply because I love the cut and thrust of a debate. I'm not set in my ways and will often change positions during or after a debate, sometimes a few times as debates continue. I use the arguments to build or reinforce my own position and will always look critically at myself and others when trying to justify my own position.

I appreciate this isn't in everyone's personality, some will go out of their way to avoid conflict. However I don't see enough debate in the communities I work in. In fact I see the opposite. I see communities that far from seeking diversity are instead becoming more and more homogeneous.

I had a conversation last week at the Tableau conference that expressed this, it went along these lines: "I already know some of the best people in the world, why would I need to seek out other opinions". I didn't disagree there and then (to my shame), but the more I thought about that statement the more I wanted to scream.

Seeking out other opinions is ALL we should want to do. Communities don't grow from the top, they grow from the bottom. If the community stops listening for new ideas then it stops being a community.

I'd perhaps go a step further than that too. Unless a community actively looks to diversify it's views and opinions then it actually becomes off-putting to new members that don't agree with the views, even further stifling debate and critique.

So how do we start, here's some thoughts:

• let's acknowledge it's okay to disagree - in fact let's encourage it.
• let's not see disagreement as a bad thing, it's okay to debate.
• it's okay to agree each other are wrong.
• it's okay to change your mind, as long as you have genuinely changed it and aren't simply bowing to someone more experienced in the community.
• it's okay to disagree on controversial topics, like how we go about empowering women (however as guys let's make sure we're listening).
• it's okay to disagree with powerful members of the community.
• it's not okay to "troll" for the sake of disagreeing or causing ill-temper. Choose some opinions but don't argue with everything, it isn't cool.
• if you're going to disagree or debate then 140 characters isn't really enough, write a blog.
• if you're going to rant - a 29 tweet thread isn't the way to do it. Write a blog.
• respect one and other. Listen carefully to arguments put forward and be willing to change you mind. Listening is a skill - if you can't use it then you're wasting an opportunity to learn.
• don't let emotions rule your interactions. I've caught myself getting my "heckles" up to feedback. Take a step back and breathe. Was the person criticising? Or offering genuine feedback aimed at helping you? Think about their intent and respond appropriately.
• feedback is great, disagreeing is great, but sometimes it's best not done in public. Consider a private conversation might be more appropriate, people take it better.
• it's okay to disagree with this article, in fact I encourage it.