Can't Find a Good Man

What is going on here?

Have all of the "good men" blown away?

Personally, I would like to offer an alternative hypothesis—one where women have been put in a very unfulfilling double-bind. I would like to posit that cultural and biological factors have been pitted at odds, leaving women in a "no win situation" most of the time in modern life.

More Than One Kind of Love

In her book, Why We Love, author Helen Fisher describes three types of love:

• Lust—feeling sexual desire.
• Attraction—feeling appeal, allure, and motivation to pursue and choose a partner.
• Attachment—feelings of bonding around sharing a home, parental duties, mutual defence, safety, and security.

Each of these types of love can have very different origins and be independently expressed for different people. For example, one woman might find that she lusts after her partner, is attracted to him, and securely attached (perhaps that is the ideal). Another woman might lust after one man, be attracted to a second, and feel comfortable and attached to her partner only.

These differences in who we lust after, are attracted to, and feel an attachment towards, arise because each feeling has an independent origin.

Lust and attraction are often more deep-seated, primal, and uncontrolled feelings. Usually, it is impossible to "choose" to be turned on or attracted to a partner. These feelings are more likely elicited automatically from certain cues in a partner.

For women, those attractive male cues may include physical attractiveness, social status, economic resources, ambition, industriousness, stability, and intelligence.

Attachment, however, can often be more of a conscious choice. It is possible to "decide" who to share a home with, how to divide parental duties, and pick someone particular based on safety criteria. Therefore, attachment decisions are often more greatly influenced by social norms and cultural practices. Think of the "wish list" some women have for the perfect partner.

Women are motivated to "choose" men for how well they mesh with their life plan, goals, and ideals. Essentially then, some women choose to "attach" to men who are cooperative, agreeable, supportive, and often take their lead in areas the woman finds important. From a cultural standpoint, men who are categorized as "disagreeable," "opinionated," or expect women to "acquiesce" may be considered unappealing as "attachment" partners.

Unfortunately, however, many of those "culturally undesirable" male traits are similar and overlapping with the traits that are biologically "attractive." Although not always true, often the man who is intelligent, high status, and ambitious will be unlikely to take a back seat, follow, and submit in a romantic relationship. Generally speaking, men who have "leadership characteristics" may want to lead in many situations.

With those two "feelings" juxtaposed, women often find themselves unfulfilled in love. Many that I talk to seem to hover between what they call "nice guys" and "jerks" in their dating life. They become attracted to "jerks" for their status, ambition, and dominance—only to be hurt when those men don't live up to the cooperative and considerate cultural standard for an attachment partner.

Women then may gravitate towards a culturally prescribed "nice guy," only to find that they become bored, their libido wanes, and their eyes wander back to "jerks." Either way, they find the relationships largely frustrating and unsatisfying.

What Some Women Do

Learning to Love Leading—one strategy adopted by some women is to learn to love being the leader of a "nice guy". Think empowered business woman, cougar, or even dominatrix. All of these women relish being in charge, empowered, and having their desires fulfilled. Getting what you want can be pretty attractive after all. This dominant approach may have a downside in resentment and rebellion however.

Following Wisely—other women choose to be cautious in love, looking for the "right" guy to be with, and enjoying their attraction to strong, male leadership. This is more of the compatibility, eHarmony approach. These women evaluate and "test" men to find the right guy, a guy who will lead with their hopes, dreams, and goals in mind. They know that, if you're not driving, it is wise to pick the driver carefully. Thus, they find a man with strong, attractive attributes to swoon over, who will not end up treating them like a "jerk."

Mixed-Mating—yet other women join the "best of both worlds" club. Here, think polyamory, open relationships, or a hot boyfriend on the side.

Evolutionary psychology indicates that women sometimes use this strategy to seek the most stable and supportive partnership from one man, and the best genes for children from another. When women can't find it all in one guy, some choose to mix-and-match.

Negotiation, Sharing, and Balance—finally, some women choose to negotiate and share leadership roles with their partner. They divide life tasks and duties into different areas, with each being the "boss" of different things. Perhaps she leads with the finances, and he takes charge of the kids (or vice versa). That way, everyone has a bit of leadership, responsibility, agreeableness, and therefore attraction and attachment too.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.

Thank you … Overall then, dominant men were linked to successful short-term mating, whereas prestigious men were linked to successful long-term mating.

Therefore, if men are looking for short-term mating (or women want a short-term fling), then focusing on male social dominance might be the way to go.

In contrast, if men are looking for a long-term relationship (or women want a long-term partner), then focusing on male prestige might be more helpful.

? Playing hard to get

? Engaging in exciting or stimulating dates and activities together

? Gradually increasing physical contact and touch

? Working on physical appearance, style, and grooming

? Developing a positive attitude

? Getting your date or mate to invest in the relationship

? Rewarding a date or partner for positive and affectionate behaviors 

Liked what you just read? 

Staring with an inviting gaze can often pique someone's initial interest. Beyond that, however, sometimes eye contact can fan the deeper flames of passion and attraction too.

Want to add word or two ?

Couples who both looked into each other's eyes reported significantly higher feelings of affection, passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner.

Your comment ….?

Recognize that the first climb in a relationship or roller coaster is the most difficult – winning the attention and heart of another is seldom as easy as we would like.  

Be aware that the first free fall is also the most exciting – the most potential energy is created during the first climb, so that first descent is the most breath-taking and heart racing.

To get that free fall feeling back into your relationship, you may need to expend some energy first. Just because you’ve been around the track once or twice doesn’t necessarily mean the ride has lost its power to thrill.

Be willing to invest the energy needed to keep the relationship energized and full of joy.

Relationships require a push and a shove and a climb every now and then, as well, to keep it moving forward