Candid writing: Holding up a career, a brave face and my sanity when a parent has dreaded 'C' Word.

Hello, Elliot here, I haven't done this before...

Get yourself a cup of tea and sit down, this is a long one.

For some mad reason I have felt like writing an 'article' or blog style post on this subject or a while! This is more of a totally honest and candid perspective on my personal experience, an account of events - almost like a diary entry. Don't think I am looking for pity by the way, I really do not want your pity.

You never know what silent battle someone has going on behind closed 
doors, just a smile at someone or a simple message could just make 
their day.

I feel this candid and open dialog could help others who are going through something similar - I noticed very little to no information, advice or blogs on this when I was going through it! If I can help someone in anyway I'm up for that.

You're not alone!

I'm not going to go into nitty gritty details for respect and privacy reasons, but mainly talk about something us men are notoriously shit at, emotions!

Where it all started...

5-6 years ago, approximately at the end of 2013 when I was 18 (I'm 24 now), I'd just recently finished sixth form and in amongst my first full time job in the outside world working as a Sales Executive at a volume franchise car dealer. Things were going well and I enjoyed it, I got a kick out of selling cars, learning, making customers happy and not to mention earning money.

Most of you know, I'm bonkers about cars and it drove me (pardon the pun) to have a passion for working with them in one way or another. I get that from my mum and dad - petrolhead family.

I remember the day distinctly - mum had gone to get some test results she was worried about, I wasn't overly worried, it'll be something simple that can be patched up with medicine, right?

Unfortunately that is the day our whole lives changed - she had a
diagnosis of terminal stage 4 bowel cancer.

How on earth does one react to that kind of news? In my case not well at all, it rings in your ears, you do not know how to comprehend the news, you never will know how to.

I can't even comprehend how she felt and thereafter.

How did this negatively affect my work for the following 5 years?

Anxiety, constant anxiety which gets worse and worse. Thoughts circle in your head all day, every day no matter the situation you're in. Along side that, depression, even ongoing chest pains.

"What is going to happen next?", "Should I be at home instead of work?" , "I wonder how her scan is going", "I hope the treatment works", "I hope this 3rd operation works".

"Will she die?"

it's all you think about, it keeps you up at night. It will catch you out mid conversation with a manager or customer, it'll throw you off 
course. 

This anxiety became increasingly more intense and difficult as time went on. Thoughts circle in your head due to seeing more tests, more procedures, surgery, more treatments, hair falling out etc.

The anxiety then turns into over analysing anything someone says to you, any small comment, email or criticism.

You over think every granular detail and conversation for the rest of the day.

Day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year - the news and thoughts of it are all you think about, it keeps you up at night. It will catch you out mid conversation with a manager or customer, it'll throw you off course.

I became incredibly unemotional due to trying fiercely to block, fight and hide these feelings. Especially for the sake of my mum, I only ever wanted to show her how positive and happy I was, I wanted her to have nothing but hope and positivity flowing whenever she saw me!

Behind closed doors away from her and everyone else, I was a mess.

In front of her, I was nothing but happiness, positivity, 
encouragement and motivation.

Trying to keep this impression of being positive all the time is really hard work.

I was always forgetting things, my mind was always somewhere else - I felt damaged emotionally, my brain couldn't take anymore!

Over the course of 5 years my incredibly strong mum (and also dad who did a sterling job looking after her and taking her to treatments etc), endured what one can only describe as modern day torture battling that foul and disgusting disease.

What she went through is unimaginable and it showed how much of a bloody trooper she was - one of the strongest, most independent and above all caring people you'd ever meet along with LOADS of other qualities.

I'm extremely lucky to have a small circle of good friends and an extremely supportive girlfriend that helped me through the majority of this, she too has been through this.

Somehow through all of this time I retained jobs, moved up in jobs, performed extremely highly in them. Unfortunately, I got a lot of negative comments from others about my sudden progression which wasn't helpful, not many people knew what was going on behind closed doors as I didn't want people knowing.

I lost A-LOT of friends.

I didn't want to go to the effort of explaining what was really wrong or going on.

In August 2018 last year - she sadly passed away. 

She must have timed it I swear - I was on holiday in Greece with my girlfriend, her mum and her best friends family, all celebrating the life of their two dads who passed from cancer years before. We were in a vineyard restaurant at that moment toasting glasses to their dads when she passed.

It's fair to say many toasts to her were made that night.

Since her passing, I have missed her even more than I ever imagined - but the unbearable weight of all this I had been carrying for years had all of a sudden gone. She was at peace, no more pain and suffering.

Only recently due to some projects, people, situations and opportunities have I started to recover from this anxiety/ depression and grow as a person more exponentially than ever before.

What did all this teach me? How did this 'help' my work life?

No matter what, have something to keep you motivated, have a reason to smile.

What was my motivation? To prove to my mum I could make something of 
my life, to make her proud.

Life is FAR too short - if there is something you want to do - go and get it, go and do it! Stop making excuses and get on with it! Before you no longer can, appreciate life!

In my eyes, I was making every effort to excel at my work and prove to my mum I wasn't the waste of space I was at school with nothing but poor school reports. This was my only final chance in my eyes to give something back to her.

I became obsessed with self development, self education, the growth 
mentality, obsessed with making her proud.

Not only this, but I developed this weird trait of simply not giving a flying f**k what other people thought of me with the exception of co-workers and managers/ superiors of course.

If people weren't there to support at my hardest time, why should I now care about their opinions or criticism? their words haven't helped me or got me anywhere in the last few years, so why will they suddenly? they won't.

In general if someone makes a snide, negative comment directly or behind my back now it is like a water off a duck's back - I'm too emotionally strong now to care.

Not caring what anyone thinks of you is liberating and gives a sense 
of freedom in your life. People my age seem to care too much 
about what everyone else thinks. 

Being emotionally strong seems to be the biggest take away from all of this. I care too much about making others and myself happy now to even notice or acknowledge negativity.

Ive learned to grab life by the scruff of the neck, enjoy it, cherish it, learn and get on with things. I try to do the above with a smile and laugh somehow.

Don't get me wrong, some days I suffer emotionally, really bad at times.

Some days I need to take a time out or need to go via my mums resting place after work to rant - I guess that's part of the healing process right?

I appreciate everything, even the little things so much more now. I wish my mum was still around to show all the amazing things I get up to.

Just remember to take postives out of any situation, no matter how 
bad. 

I now have some very exciting career opportunities up ahead, some very exciting projects and things going on which i'm proud of and honoured to be involved in. My personal life is finally going in the right direction too. Thank you to those that have helped me.

If you got this far - thanks for reading, sorry if it bored you.

I truly hope no one goes through or their friends/ loved ones go through what I/ we have. Happy to help you with any advice or questions if you are going through something similar.

I hope I helped at least 1 of you.