Cancer - The new death sentence??

A death sentence??

In the old days, the death sentence seemed a more barbaric act - crucifixion, beheading, death by hanging, the gas chamber and now to make sure it is painless, mostly by mode of the lethal injection.

As we move into a more civilised part of our evolution, most countries have abolished the death penalty.?

While the death penalty is mainly handed out to criminals, serial killers, rapists etc, it was more to be used as a detterrent, to set an example, to bring about order and reform in society. All this works well for criminals.?

How then does then work out for the innocent??

When my mothers Stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis came through, that is exactly what it felt like - A death sentence!

In fact since that fated day, I literally died slowly one day at a time!

I went through a myriad of emotions ranging from anger, pain, fear, losing faith, blame, acceptance. Everyday was a roller coaster as I journeyed from work to travelling every alternate week to care for my mum - something I would do in a heart beat for the rest of my life if it meant she was still alive today!?

The issue is that cancer taboo, we know it exists, but we never feel comfortable enough to talk about it. Cancer is that elephant in the room that we prefer not to address.

In doing so, we die a thousand deaths everyday, in unspoken words, thoughts and actions, failing to enjoy the moments that life has to offer.?

The issue with life is that there is always a finality associated with it, but till we see death so close staring us in the face, we never really think that the end is near

Cancer diagnosis is a death sentence for most, but as hard as it may be, you got to try to make the last days count and make it as memorable as possible, create as many memories as you can, to see you through for the remainder of your life.?

When my mother was diagnosed, I maintained a short journal to document my emotions.

It is an insight into the depths of my soul, my emotions, my private thoughts.

I am sharing this intimate journey so that you understand the vacillating emotions, the trauma and the test of faith, and if God forbid, you have to go through this fire, you will have a better idea what to expect, and hopefully you will be better prepared to handle the onslaught of emotions that you feel!?

Wed 21 Jul 2021:

On the day of mummy’s diagnosis, a gloomy Wednesday, as I rode home in the taxi from the Mumbai airport still digesting the shock of the diagnosis and holding back the tears while the the grey skies opened, and poured its heart out. It was like all our tears, the pain and sadness of the news started gushing out with no holds barred.

Even the heavens were sad, that day on Wednesday, as rains battered Mumbai and with is my heart

Thu, 22 July 2021:

“Drown yourself in your parents love” is what I saw on the church board while driving to the hospital resonated with every cell of my being. After all who are we but not mirror images of our parents!

Fri, 23 July 2021:

The smile on my face will never be the same. The pain in my heart will never go away. This burden will rest with me for life so even if you see me smile, just remember that there is a tear that hides away in the creases of my eyes.

Your mindset will kill you if the disease does not, so that is the reason you must be positive and fight this

Sat, 24 July 2021:

After turning 46 earlier this July, is this the gift I receive? Sorry, I don’t want it!

Sun, 25 July 2021:

Today I discovered that you don’t need to exercise after a long time to fell pain or sore in your body. After having a week of sleepless nights, I got to know of many stress points in my back, however, the physical pain pales in comparison to the emotional pain

The medical profession seems to have sunk to a new low! You can’t trust doctors who seem do things for their own convenience and today was surely an eye opener on doctors putting their interests over patients. Being a doctor is not that noble anymore!

Mon, 26 July, 2021

What should I say today. I am numb with the pain. I see mummy and feel her pain. How I wish God would give her pain to me. I thought I traversed mountains and valleys in my own life, but nothing could prepare me for this. I am broken, shattered and I will not be stuck together again whole. I am the new Humpty Dumpty

Fri, 30 July 2021

After a bone chilling few days, my body is giving way. I can’t eat, sleep!

This death sentence should have come to me. If I dealt with God, I would ask him to put my mum on the bench and use me instead.

I know it a bit of a selfish thought but at this time I need to ask God if I really need to drink from this chalice of pain and suffering

What would you do!

Sat, 31 July 2021

What a month July has been!

Sometimes it’s hard to fathom if this is but a dream and someone needs to wake me up. Spending quality time with my parents cooking for them and taking care of them is a blessing. I try to do my best and that’s all I can do for now

Mon, 9 Aug 2021

Every night when I wake up at least once, I have trouble going back to sleep.

This nightmare comes alive as my senses return and then I start arguing with God to take the pain away from my mother and cure her miraculously as he can do all things. I am so worried for her and now that my time to leave back to Bangalore is approaching, I am terribly disturbed how I am going to get thru this!

I lived my life as an expat always leaving someone behind and while this has been a feature in my life, this time it is different. I dread what is in store for my mother and I can’t bear to think of anything happening to her. She taught us to dream, to discover, to love adventure, and experience life! Somehow, I did not value all those things then, but now as I look back, I see how monumental her impact has been on me in a good way!

Children are never old enough, while parents are never young enough

Thu, 12 Aug 2021

I say the Protection prayer (Pslam 91), my most effective, most powerful devotion to God every night, but it is not longer about me. It is now always dedicated to my mom with the hope that God will keep his promise and protect her!

We don’t know what the future has in-store for us but for now it’s the calm before the storm

Sun, 15 August 2021

Destiny is the sorry excuse we make for taking poor decisions

Sun, 5 Sep 2021

I now travel weekly to Mumbai to be with mummy. In hindsight should have been doing this more often. So close when I moved to India and still so far.

Time is always precious, never enough, too short but it should not take a crisis like this for us to understand the impact and depth of the statement

Fri, 1 Oct 2021

One of the best birthdays we spent with mummy! We also took her to Lonavala (a hill station near Mumbai) as only God knows what lies in store, but today we decided to park our problems and drive away into the night in the hope that the morning never comes!

Fri, 12 Nov 2021

Today, I fly early morning to Mumbai. I have been doing this for the past 4 months. I can continue to do this forever, if it means that mummy will be with us!

We know the end is near. Some of the reports we saw yesterday we off the charts and any element of hope has vanished.

Our priorities have changed and from us wanting to desperately save my mother, we now pray for her pain and suffering to be reduced.

We want to be by her side and ease her out of this realm as she goes to the next phase of her journey while leaving us to dwell on the speed of how flick of fate changed everything forever!

Mon, 27 Dec:

A lot of tears were shed privately when my mum was alive, however I take solace in the fact that we made her living days memorable and did not have to scramble in the last minute to make any of her dreams or wishes come true

We also were benefited from a great support system, extended family, work family that helped us emotionally, financially and we made sure our mum got all the love, the best care, the best food and most of all to be surrounded by her favourite people in her last days

I share more in due course as I introspect, ponder and look at all that has come to pass over the last 5 months

We love you mummy. You are the glue that binds us together!